any good days that you can recall?

[ehm]

mithy

you are so right about that.

i've spent a little time in jail.

on and off

and for one ten day stretch.

i'd take jail over straight any day.

for me straight was like going back to prison

since i'd already done close to two years

in boot camp at 13.

i was 15 going into straight.

i woke up this morning thinking about how young i was...

my kid's 12.

i can't beleive my mom did that to me

(sent me away for all those years)

my dad wanted to send me away before he died

the fu**ing bastard

i hated that man

he beat the shit out of me

at 6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13...and finally died.

my own father...

he started yelling at me and breaking my toys at age 2.

yes, some how i remember...

miraculous huh?

my mother is the coldest and most disgusting

fake human i've ever encountered

i've had dreams that she was a serial killer

having my sister and i help her

i've had dreams after that where i kill her

and have trouble disposing of the body parts

entire dreams of me dropping an arm in a creek

stuffing a leg in a bag

her head down the toilet (that one was weird)

my sister and i have a few drinks at a party and

start jokingly discussing, "killing mommy"

i'm sure people think we're freaks

it's still funny though

that poor woman

i feel sorry for her

(not enough to invite her to my wedding)

i'm just surviving

never happy

it sucks to want happines so much

but feel it to be the most unreachable goal

suspended happiness that is.

sure i've felt happy.

but i'm still always sad

always afraid

alone

to this day

it doesn't make sense

my dad had just been killed in a car accident

it hadn't even been a year since his death

i'm still paying for all the pain those two

hell-holes put me through

yet trying to live a NoRmAl...(yeah right) life

i don't like leaving the house for long periods of time

i hate being around people

i hate most people

i always feel like an outsider

people who whine and moan about their lives

when they have a family who loves them make me

so fu**ing sick

my mother didn't even come to darren's funeral

(my daughter's dad)

we [were] even on speaking terms at that point

killing her wouldn't even make me feel better

(well, not that i would)

she can never give it back

my childhood

the love i never had

i don't think i'll ever have a relationship with my mother

i feel like i've grown up and never lived

was never allowed to

or given the opportunity

it's depressing as hell

any good days???

NO.

still working on it...

[Antigen]

One of the best days I can remember was the day I got my ass kicked. It was not a good day in my overall life experience, mind you. But, in the context of the Program, I really did have a good time that day.

See, I'd split for a couple of weeks and I don't remember how I wound up back in group. But there I was, stood up by Chris Casselor and told to apologize to group. Well, I had nothing to apologize for. I didn't get mad, I didn't yell or cuss or anything like that. I can't remember who, but someone stood up and told me how disapointed they were, yadda yadda, how they'd looked up to me so much before, whatever, and how my splitting had made them doubt their program. "Very astute, whoever!", I said. "The program is full of shit!

So Chris says "Who wants to sit on Virginia" and the crowd went wild. I didn't. I just waited for my escort and strolled along to the spot, laid down, and put out my arms. That went on for a couple of hours and I just refused to help the SOB pretend that I'd done anything to bring it on. God Damn, was he pissed! Ok, so my legs and back were numb, I probably had a bruise or two and my body was most uncomfortable. But I won the battle that day. That was a rare day.  

But this is far from demonstrating that the authorities must interpose to suppress these vices by commercial prohibitions, nor is it by any means evident that such intervention on the part of the government is really capable of suppressing them or that, even if this end could be attained, it might not therewith open up a Pandora's box of other dangers, no less mischievous than alcoholism and morphinism.
http://www.mises.org/liberal/ch1sec11.asp' target='_new'>Ludwig Von Mises

[ehm]

[scene edited by director]

 ::heart:: ::heart:: ::heart::

[Antigen]

Thanks, that's sweet. I should add a couple of things; 1) there were a lot of days that I caved, folded and went blithely along with the insanity. That was normal, this other day was different. I'm not proud of that, I just don't want to offend anyone who I helped torture on one of those other days.

2) It didn't end with the sitting. There were a couple of hours of marathon in a timeout room. At some point, someone busted my nose in there. I don't know who did it and I didn't want to mention it because I think it might be someone who's been reading the board lately and I didn't want to bring it up. But now I will because I want to make it very, very clear that I haven't tried to remember who did it; I would probably have done the same thing on another day; I hold no grudge at all and I probably had it coming. To whoever busted my nose the first time, if you read this, I hope you understand how much you helped me in my little demonstration and that it didn't matter anyway, as far as my looks are concerned, because someone else wound up breaking it again just a year or two later.

So thanks for busting my nose.  :lol:

Never attempt to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
--Unanimous

[xeon]

Overall I do have some good memories in spite of the horrors of Straight Inc.  I was not a drug user when I went in which was tough as some of you could imagine.  Those that believed in me and supported my stance were "rays of light" if you will.  I guess I couldn't blame the people who didn't trust me, there were many people who came in with my story... only to reveal a "drug list" after "getting honest".  The only thing I needed to be honest about was coming from a horribly disfunctional family and being full of hate, anger..(pull some other feeling out the air) LOL.  Some of you will find this strange, but my drug and way of burying all of my pain was in sports, that never was a popular statement.

Other things I enjoyed were some of the other Straighlings, two that come to mind were Andy and Aaron.  Andy was probably my favorite person there, he would often tell people, "Dave doesn't have a drug problem, he doesn't need to be here."  With most everybody telling you're full of shit, that was something much needed to keep my head straight.  Another guy who would drive us to a host home I stayed at for a while reminded of an close Uncle of mine who always makes me laugh.  

Other things I enjoyed were host homes related.  One host home had an interesting travel through Wash. DC, which we sometimes pass hookers.  Being an early teen in a repressed environment, seeing hookers was pretty exciting.  This particular home had a sibling who was into freestyle biking and some skateboarding, which was fun to watch out the window.  Any source of entertainment was welcomed.

There was one other home in a rather ritzy neighborhood who had a daughter in the program.  Being on first phase was tough to communicate with them, but they wanted me to tell them how their daughter was doing... behind the oldcomer's back of course.  I felt like a part of their family and the mom would make me some special requested food items, like Lasagna...YUM!  

Another thing I enjoyed was when the ex-Straightlings who were disgruntled would hang out by the exit from the parking lot.  I can remember being told to ignore them and not make eye contact... but I did.  Funny stuff now that I think about it.

Other things I learned that may be beneficial is how to better express myself and understand the reason why people use drugs to begin with.  I think those are good things.

[SilmarilOne]

Remember--most of those who admitted to the drug list after "getting honest" were lying.  I know I was. People will admit to anything under torture.

--thomas--

[Antigen]

Well there's lying, and then there's lying...

In the more commonly accepted reality, I was a kid who'd sneak a beer sometimes when no one was looking, more for the excitement of getting away with something than for the buzz, and I'd probably smoked a joint with friends or family about 20 times.

In order to comply with the Program definition of Honesty without doing horrific damage to my own, here's how I described that:

Pot, alcohol, THC (componant of cannabis), downers (alcohol is a depressant, and there was that one free sample from Mom's Miltown bottle), diet pills (that couple of weeks before the Summer trip to the Vinyard, to visit my aunt, uncle, cousins AND THEIR MALE TEENAGED FRIENDS!!!! YIPPEEEE! and I wanted to lose a little wight.) speed (constituent of diet pills), stimulants (ditto), junk medicine (cough syrup for chronic bronchitis).

I don't think any of us belonged in a drug rehab. And I don't think Straight was a drug rehab. They didn't know a thin about drugs or drug use or why people use drugs or how to help people who are using drug badly.

They specialize in dominating people. That's what they do.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
--Bastard Administrator

[xeon]

I know what you mean about the drug lists, at some point it almost became a hip thing to have the best string to rattle off.  I remember one guy had to "get honest" that he had never shot up with heroin. I guess you would have had to be in Straight to understand the need or desire to do make up something like that.

With some people I could have swore they thought sharing a wild sexual story was some sort of epiphany.  It was a whole other world behind those doors  :shrug:

I guess that's something I always enjoyed watching...
Newcomer first week: "I haven't done any drugs...honest!!!!"
Newcomer in two weeks: *Sob "I've done alcohol and pot
Necomer in a month: *Tear "I've done alcohol, pot, cocaine, heroin, prescription drugs..yadda yadda yadda and had relations with my dog."
Newcomer in two weeks: "I'm coming hOME!!"
Now 2nd Phaser: I've got to get honest, I've never had relations with my dog."

Enter Scene Two: The Misbehavor

Hope I didn't steer this thread too crooked. :wink:

[ClayL]

On 2003-07-15 16:37:00, Antigen wrote:



They specialize in dominating people. That's what they do.

Well, that sums it up about the best I've ever heard!

CL