http://www.bulletinboards.com/v1.cfm?co ... s#1328483Laugust 18, 2004. an excerpt from my diary
hello. i'm #5 in the challenger line in the female barracks. i have dark brown hair and green eyes. my legs and arms are strong. i am a program success. i can fidget unnoticed for extended periods of time, as i wait in line for my physical nourishment or for the bathroom. i can down all foods as long as it will keep my stomach from growling. my voice is loud and horse from not getting much use as i announce my title at each count- off, at each entrance- way. i can sleep in class and pretend i'm doing my schoolwork. it's never gone noticed before. i can produce tears at group- time even though my heart is cold and tired. my skin crawls from not having been touched in an interminable period. i can stand the heat as long as i drink continuously from the plastic mildewy bottle that i've re- used a million times before. i can take 2 1/2 minute baths from my laundry bucket. and i can keep my fingers from roaming over my own body at night. but i cannot help looking at you, at your soft skin. your breasts and lips are perfect. how do your eyes look so young and so old at the same time? you yell at the staff and they beat you time and again. and i wish i could be the one getting the blows instead of you. but you won't keep your mouth shut, because you refuse to be broken and i kinda love that about you. i would do your time here for you if it meant you could leave this wretched place. you are untainted, you are not yet damaged. like i am. i dream of a better place. a safehouse somewhere where you and me are living together. away from this unjust, cruel world. i promise to protect you, not like i'm doing now. it kills me when your isolated in O.P. for so long. and i can hear you screaming and it breaks my heart. and i want to stop writing these words and start talking them, start yelling them, start a riot with them because i would like to feel again. i would like to feel how you feel, i want to feel my head slamming against the floor repeatedly, my legs and arms being twisted dangerously, i want to feel an open hand slap me across my placid face, restrained, suffocating, i want to feel the rush of refusal, the kick in my ribs, i want to be stripped and flogged, have my naked body dragged across a floor of broken glass, i want to be hog- tied, i want to be pepper- sprayed, i want to try to run into the ocean. if it meant i could feel again. i really would like to kiss you one more time.
[Date/Time=11-29-2007 - 11:31 PM] Name:#5 in line [Message Id=1328483]
