Author Topic: "LISTEN TO THE WIND BLOW !"  (Read 1381 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Nikki

  • Posts: 407
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
"LISTEN TO THE WIND BLOW !"
« on: November 23, 2007, 08:53:30 PM »
I was in the St. Petersburg, Florida "Straight, Inc." system circa March to July 1986.

It's funny how I have almost blocked it out. I was sharing about it with my beloved last night only because someone near us has opened up a cult-like "residential facility" for adults and we're just bewildered how it's continuing.

After sharing my story with my beloved, and the tears and the memories came back from abuses I'd suffered - not knowing that was what they were at age 15 - we came online curious to know why the one I'd been in had closed down. I'd gone to college with the idea I'd go to Law School and shut the place down as it had been the motivating reason for my living back then - to close the place down. Only to discover, mid-college - it was already shut down.

After a Google search, 40 known kids who had belonged have killed themselves. I ended up getting out, after a successful run away and writing a letter to my parents finally able to tell them of the abuses that went on there. I told them, when I called, "If you send me back I will kill myself." I want to make it clear I was not a spoiled child. I was not an indulged kid. I was your average 15 year old, but for being an alcoholic. It was not a threat. It was an honest plea of my outcome if they sent me back there.

"The Kid"

I liked boys, fashion, music, Cosmo, reading. I was shy - but alcohol helped me to be sociable. I enjoyed going to the mall, the movies, the beach with my friends. I had an allowance and my sister and I shared a car. I had a curfew and I had to keep my grades at a certain level. I was your average 15 year old girl and it's important I make that clear. I had experimented with pot by the time I entered this facility, but on my intake they told me I was a druggie. The truth is...while some of my friends were smoking pot, I was looking for alcohol. But this was only on the weekends and while we were at a club. We were not the "stoners" by any stretch.

"The Incident"

One night I ended up being taken to the hospital with alcohol poisoning. My parents were quite scared as I had blood on me and returned home several hours after I'd been expected. Even today I can't remember what happened exactly....but it's enough to know that I'd tried to stop two grown guys from fighting and ended up getting hurt myself....

"The Beginning"

The doctor suggested this program, "Straight" and my Mom - the next morning - tells me we're going to counseling. I remember feeling glad. I remember how I'd love to discuss why I was scared all the time and why I needed alcohol to not feel scared. I remember thinking, "Oh good!" and so grateful my Mom wasn't mad at me for having put her out the night before with the whole ER thing.

So we're going and I'm chatty. It never took too much for me to get excited about a new opportunity and I felt like this was going to be good for me. Good for our family. Who knows...? I remember big plans because all I ever thought I needed was for a Doctor to sit me down, listen to me, and then tell me what I needed to do to be "normal." I read a lot as a teenager and was quite introverted which wasn't quite average in my family...though when I was with people I trusted, I was exuberant, lively, and quite open!

Fast forward. This place tricked my Mom. This place tricked me. I didn't know that I was leaving my house only to not return for over three months. I didn't know that the 20 minutes it took to get there would be the last time I'd spend that time alone with her [until my escape]. I didn't know that when we were in the office and someone came to get me I wouldn't see or be able to speak with my Mom until I'd "earned" that "privilege." [Which in my case was about two months.] I didn't know I was about to be falsely imprisoned. She didn't know it either. As cultish as "Straight, Inc." has been outed as, toward the kids. As abusive as it's been outed...what I haven't yet read about is the cult-like control they had over the parents.

"The Mother"

I'll tell you this and I'll tell you this now: My Mother [capital "M"] is easily the strongest woman I know. She's often been the pain in my ass, as any mother-daughter relationship has its thorns, but easily I have never known a human being stronger than my mother, almost to a fault. She's opinionated and sometimes controlling [out of fear she's not so strong] but she knows what she wants, sees it, and goes to get it. Almost equally she's generous and loving, and smart...But her primary attribute I would gift to my Mother is strength. You can stab her in the back, wound her to tears, and yet in as long as it takes for her to come to terms, she has forgiven you and forgotten it. This is my Mother.

The fact "Straight, Inc." had managed to convince my mother that it was a good and safe place for me...the fact that they had other parent meetings [with other parents who had kids in the program] all involved in the brainwashing...The fact she hadn't spoken with me as to my treatment, because they disallowed it, telling her it would interfere with my *program*... She bought it. Why wouldn't she? She had a kid who was scaring her and she didn't know what else to do with her.

"The Program"
----------------------------------
The terms you're going to hear: Druggie [the nickname for anyone in Straight], cop-out [when a kid runs away they've just copped out], "1st phase"[1st phase is what you come in on...you graduate after phase 5. 1st phase is supposed to last for 14 days. Me it lasted three months.], host home [where you sleep at night...and it's the home of someone on 2nd phase or higher].

Belt-looped [when you are standing, as a 1st phaser, someone always has you by the back of your pants to walk you to the bathroom, to walk you wherever. If a higher phaser didn't care for you they'd grab you harder and hurt you.].

Motivate: in group, we had to motivate. it was a form of thrashing our arms up and down and thrashing in our chairs. If you didn't motivate you would get into trouble. The reason for it, usually, was to indicate we had something to say and you always better be ready to have something to say. If you're like me, and was scared to death - remember? I went in shy and scared - then you stay in trouble, they label you as "acting out" and you stay on 1st phase. We were always told not to motivate in front of our open meetings. Open Meetings were Friday night when our parents sat opposite our group as they too were in a group. The mike got passed around to the parents as they shared how they felt about you. They were encouraged to say negative things as you stood there and were unable to respond.

Talk: You had to earn "talk." Talk is what a 1st phaser could earn which meant you could talk with your parents for five minutes after Friday night group, BUT because you were belt-looped by a higher phaser, they stayed there to witness your talk. If you said any part of the truth you were living or what was going on that was "negative" you would get reported and confronted and/or revoked privileges.

Confronted is when the group motivates very loudly and you have to stand up and get yelled at by other kids and staff - which is other kids who have graduated - without being able to say anything. I was spit on and so were others. If you complained about getting spit it, it happened more so I didn't complain.]

T & R is "Talk and Responsibility" which is what you could earn after extended "getting with the program." [Can talk to parents for 5 minutes and can be a guard at the door. The theory is that you're becoming assimilated and can be trusted more. If one is getting "T & R" they're about ready for 2nd phase.

2nd Phase is when you can finally start sleeping at home. You get locked into your room at night and you still have to spend your days at the building. You still are not allowed to read or go anywhere but the building and you still have no freedom. If you fall out of line you could always be revoked back to 1st phase.

"My Experience"
I was on 1st phase for a very long time. I couldn't motivate because it looked weird and I was scared to death to speak. I really didn't think I was an alcoholic or a druggie and apparently I had to admit it to progress. I remember when a staff member would start walking up to the main chair in front, when a certain tone was in their voice, it was like the kids in group just "knew" when it was time to motivate. It was like they were able to sense when they needed to. With that type of motivation, is when it meant someone was going to get confronted. Confrontation in Straight was the scariest thing I'd ever witnessed...Other kids in the same boat as you would yell and scream and curse and belittle and even spit on you. Then Staff, looking responsible and powerless over the abusers action may say something like "That's enough" and then call on another motivator to do their dirty work some more.

Often I'd see the confronted, shaking and crying and trembling. Often I was the one doing this. I was confronted several times for being a b_tchy snob thinking I was better then everyone. "...and who the fuque do you think you are? Group, I think "Digits" thinks she better than you. What do you think about that?" ::Motivate:: Then [an example] a friend I'd shared a smile with earlier [cause we couldn't speak] gets called on, stands up and yells at me telling me I'm worthless. ::Motivate:: A guy is then called on [and girls and guys could not even make eye contact so I'm wondering how he even knows me at ALL to say anything...not to mention the guys group sat in their own chairs a good ten feet gap in the middle from the girls where staff would walk down to get to the "Leader Chair"] and he stands up and tells me I better get with the program.[ Admittedly, though, the guys had it worse than the girls. ] :: Motivate :: Another girl gets called on, who I thought was my friend, "And I had to tell you to sit up straight five times last week! You better start getting with the program!" ::Motivate :: "And when Laura hit you you looked like you wanted to hit her back! You better straighten up!"

[Laura tried to run and she hit me in my right breast and sure I wanted to hit her back. She'd bitten someone, kicked someone else and punched me in my breast...AND she was my friend. But she was fed up with the place so she was breaking down. Years later, in college, I discovered that same breast has a tumor and I don't know if it's related but I never received medical care and all I can remember is getting confronted because no one took care of me and I had "feelings" about it.]

My own breakdowns. One day in group - in front of maybe 80 or so kids - I let out a scream and buried my head. I don't remember what I was thinking but I was getting confronted again...and the tears are now coming back to me...I was in trouble again...and this time I had really been trying to "get with the program" by trying to talk more...So when the girl [my 2nd phaser who I'd stay at night with] started confronting me I didn't stand up to "take it." It was like no matter what I was doing, I wasn't doing it well enough and I was trying so hard. So I just screamed and screamed - to block her out - and buried my head and screamed some more.

April - one of the Staff, came and got me, held my hand and walked me into a sort of resting room with a bed. She talked to me and soothed me. She basically told me in a nutshell that this wasn't real. In code, she was confirming every reality I held inside of myself to be true. She was sharing, again in code, that this place wasn't real and that my reality WAS inside of me. Finally. After months of seeing, hearing, smelling, and tasting this non-real stuff, as it was not matching up with what inside I knew to be true... I finally had this girl about 23 if I remember right on Staff [who I was always attracted to for some reason, now knowing why] who was validating me. Validating my reality.

My reality was that this place was full of @!$%# and that it was a game...a sick Lord of the Flies game that was getting away with spiritual murder of kids who may have needed very real help, but more often than not, could have benefited from a "family transplant." It was pretend. It wasn't real. April also told me, in code, I had to "fake it til you make it." That was Straight's motto among each other - the problem being that we never made it. April meant "Fake it til I made it out. Tell them what they want to hear. Anything to survive." This is what she shared with me in code. [No. I'm not crazy. It had to be in code, often we spoke in code, because we never knew who would snitch.]

Later, I went into an emotional blackout of that episode and had forgotten April's words. [Straight is the reason why I think I suffer emotional blackouts to this day...After research I have learned I am probably suffering Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...] As I said, I had forgotten my screaming and had forgotten what April told me. I had suffered a psychological break and had forgotten.

So when it made sense to start pulling my hair out, I did. I would sit in the chairs as other people motivated and would think inside my head that it hurt when I pulled my hair out. I would release my hair into the floor and be mesmerized by it. A 4th or 5th phase "row guard" [they stood at the end of each row in case someone needed to go to the bathroom and/or to make sure no one ran from their chair] would come back and tell me to sit up straight and I finally shook my head No and then it occurred to me I was now in "act out." {Act out is when you're labeled an incorrigible and they basically revoke all your privileges and put higher phasers on either side of you in case you're about to run. I wouldn't run. I never understood people who did. Guards on the rows, guards at the doors, and miles from any store. But I guess psychological breaks don't make sense.} So I pulled more hair. I went I guess you would call in a catatonic state so to speak. I quit talking. I quit eating. And I pulled my hair. A few weeks later I'd go to another host home. This was the beginning of the end.

"Beginning of the End"
I think I went to another host home because of my "act out." It had finally started occurring to someone I wasn't well I imagine. I left Gwen's and went to Cassandra's. Cassandra was a 5th phaser and she worked intently with me. I liked her right away. She encouraged me to eat and I did. She talked with me and so I talked back. I liked Cassandra's spirit. Her home was a 1 story house and I didn't even try to run. [I'd tried running from Gwen's one night but they lived in an upstairs apartment and I became stymied at the top of the stairs in the dark so I stopped.] All of a sudden I began remembering April's word...

In group, I began to speak a lot, I began to lie a lot. I made up stories as to why I was *this way* .... I said I was an alcoholic and a druggie... People would comment on my progress. They couldn't believe the change. April would pass by and wink at me. It was in Straight that I would learn how to lie. So I put in for 2nd phase. They denied me. [They often did this to see how you could "handle" rejection of 2nd phase.] But hey, I was "with the program now" so when they asked how I felt about it I proclaimed I just must not be ready and I submitted what it was I'd do to improve in order to make it next time.

See...I'd watched and learned. When people put in for 2nd phase, they were often denied about 3 or 4 times. The whole schedule about 1st phase being ideally 14 days and mine went into over 100...was to satiate the parents I believe. Straight, Inc took no insurance and it came from the parents pocket EVERY week you were there. For that money the kids still stayed at host homes, were fed by host parents for breakfast and on Sundays all meals. Very profitable Straight had it, especially from the wealthy parents. I imagine the wealthy kids could stay on 1st phase forever...because you still had the minimum times for other other phases to contend with. [2nd & 3rd phase were 3 month minimums if I remember correctly. 4th & 5th was 6 months. 3rd phase is when you could go back to school.]

So, when one puts in for 2nd phase, one has to write why they deserve it. I figured I'd be okayed my 3rd time so I started on a Friday and was rejected as I said. Staff announces who made what phase before the "Open Group" meeting - which was Friday, and the "Closed Meeting" which was Monday. I wanted to end my Friday on a good note so is why I'd put in originally on Friday. I'd be rejected then, and then Monday and then the following Friday I'd be approved.

Getting rejected that first Friday was not pleasant. After the Open Meeting April came walking out with a pair of jeans. "Hi guys. I just found out that someone must have been planning a cop out." ::motivate:: "Let's look in these pockets." ::crazy motivate:: "A dollar! Who would steal a dollar unless they were planning a cop out?" Something started nagging at me. But still, I motivated. "Digits! Stand up!" Oh crap. My stomach fell to the ground. No. Please don't let them do this. PLEASE don't. I didn't know whether to fight back laughing or tears. So I stood there.

Remember how I changed host homes? Well they transfer your clothes. And before you get your clothes - if at all...yeah some of my clothes "got lost" because sometimes OTHER people would get donated your clothes against your permission because they never asked it. Anything could have happened. I'm not sure if I had even worn those jeans. But it was comical. How could a dollar have helped me? And then the jeans that I hadn't seen in well over two weeks that started at my previous host home. Yeah, the dollar could have been in there when I came into the place...I still have no idea.

But I got confronted. Which, again, was comical, for by this time, I know the story. It only lasted a minute or two and onto someone else for something else. ...Because if they'd really believed I really HAD stolen a dollar it wouldn't have been as easy as it was. What I remember was the kids going nuts in their motivating, only one person even saying "You have to get honest!" and my explanation that I had no idea how it got there and my final exam question, "I know the truth. So it doesn't bother me if you guys want to say I did that." Whew. I passed. April allowed me to sit down. See. If I had cried or gotten angry or laughed, or let them know I knew it was a test, I would have not have "been with the program" and would not have been able to go home when I did...Which was the next Friday. [Again, if they really thought I'd stolen in order to "cop out" would I have been deemed "healthy" enough for 2nd phase?]

2nd Phase - At Home

Fast forward. A few days after 2nd phase I got a newcomer. I had to belt loop her. Some other phasers came by one Sunday and saw that I had turned my back on her several times. That was a no no. [It was like it wasn't built into me to *want* to be "in charge" of someone. Imagine that.] Long story short, it was time to finalize my plan when it became clear I was going to be reported. The other phaser that was over was a known snitch and I was getting reported. It was a Sunday the next day and the weather was beautiful.

We weren't allowed to look outside, as my newcomer pointed out, so when we continued to look outside and comment on the beauty that was the day we spoke in code until it became clear we were both on the same page. I wrote a letter to my Mom and we left out from a window. I called my Mom a few hours later when I was sure she'd know I was gone. Told her if she sent me back I'd kill myself. I meant it. It wasn't a threat, it was my only choice. I had made it as far as I did with the thought i would escape. It was the only thing that kept me from suffering a permanent psychological break.

In the letter I'd let my Mom finally know of all the offenses that place had perpetuated against me and others. I did not know at the time that most of them were against the law. Let me cite some law or statute breaks that as an adult, I can now cite:

False imprisonment, practicing medicine without a license, practicing mental health without a license, practicing psychology without a license, neglect, assault, battery, mental/verbal/emotional abuse, kidnapping, denial of medical care, denial of contact with parent or guardian, peeping tom laws [being watched going to the bathroom, having a shower], inadequate hygiene [only 5 minutes for a shower], denial of private contact with my doctor [I had to go to my doctor and the 2nd phaser came into the same room - to watch me - as he performed a "female" exam on me], insufficient nutrition, no contact with outside unless being belt-looped to the car....

The Day After the "Cop Out"

Me, my mom and my dad held hands the next day. I was scared to death. I didn't know why I had to come back. My Mother calmly told me it was to sign me out. I didn't believe her, for by this point [knowing I now probably have PTSD] I didn't trust anyone....and I wouldn't until I came into real recovery. So inside the doors, and into the office we went. Was her name Mrs. Yancy? I can't remember.

We sat down. It was coming. I bet this is how it happened when all parents brought the kids back. My heart was in my chest. I expected a higher phaser any minute to come in and grab me by the back of my pants and to lead me back to the windowless room with the blue chairs. The woman got some papers together and asked: "You know you can keep her signed in?" My Mom looked at her and then me. She squeezed my hand, "Digits? You want to stay signed in?" Unable to comprehend what was going on, could only express my truth in one word as "No." I knew when I looked down in my lap and felt my Mom's head raise up to eyeball this woman what that meant. It meant that was that. The woman said, in a nastier tone, something to the effect, "You're going to let her be responsible for this decision?" My Mom, my heart hasn't swelled this much since, said: "Yes I am."

The Aftermath

I basically walked away from that place unable to believe that my faith hadn't been misplaced. I suffered nightmares for years afterward and even had an anxiety of some sort a few times when I saw something...Once I saw a bottle of barbecue ketchup at a grocery store and started shaking. {It had been in my first host home.}

Another time I put my hand on the door handle of my Dad's car, prepared to jump out, because we had to drive by the building to cross the bridge to get to Tampa and I was going, via train, to stay with my Grandmother for the summer - which was usual for my summers.

I would awaken from nightmares for years afterward. The kind of nightmares that involved waking in the middle of the night in cold sweats. I can't fully remember what the nightmares involved at this point and for all I know I've blocked them out as serving no healthy purpose for me but my sister remembers them as they affected me. I remember, to a much lesser degree today, the fear I would re-feel with the nightmares.

I did quit drinking successfully for about a year but I adopted fear full force and not eating. I also learned self-mutilation when I felt fear or pain. Fear propelled me to make straight A's in school as I denied food and engaged in drawing blood. I would be fertile ground for my first real boyfriend when he began hitting me and I thought I must have deserved it as well as the name calling. It changed me.

It taught me that at anytime I can be placed somewhere and abused. It taught me that I have no advocate in this life. It taught me that God was dead. It taught me that when all else fails, there is a comfort to be had in suicide - which I would attempt several times afterward. It taught me that self-abuse feels better than others doing it. It taught me that anyone at anytime has not a privilege to my body, but a god-given right to it whether or not I agree or disagree.

"17 years later"

November 21 2002 is the day that some of these ideas would begin to change. I don't know to what extent Straight, Inc. has affected my life and to guess would be fruitless. But I can say that I'd never self-mutilated or attempted suicide before this place. I'd always had an eating issue but I'd never starved to the degree that I would after Straight, Inc. Before Straight, it seemed to have been more of a hobby, taking diet pills. Afterward, I seemed to get comfort from not eating and diet gum and Vivarin and coffee. Though I wasn't drinking for a period, this other manifestation prevailed. This proves to me, countless, that Straight not only did not help me, but harmed me.

November 21, 2002 is the day some of the ingrained ideas I'd received would begin to change. With the help of loving and supportive people in the recovery community is how I would finally began changing some of these ideas. Though I hadn't known it at the time where many of these ideas came from, today I understand that they either came from my involvement with Straight or were reinforced.

I'm currently reading a book by Deepak Chopra entitled Book of Secrets and two of the five causes of suffering, according to this book, involve two sources of perceptions. One is a negative perception and the other is a reinforcement of a negative perception. A negative perception can pass like a wave, and in an otherwise healthy person, I imagine it would. But the reinforcement of the perception is the long haul suffering. Straight, Inc. either introduced upon my 15 year old person overt or subtle negative perceptions and reinforced a few I'd already gone through in my young age. Because I had been immersed in totality of this place for 4 to 5 months day in and day out with a minimum of ten hours 6 days out of 7 "in group" or "in chairs," it's easy to understand how a negative perception [which this book proclaims and I believe it "that perception is reality"] adopted or reinforced time and time again could hinder my ability at a successful life.

Forty people, according to internet sources, have committed suicide due to Straight, Inc. Some could argue they were troubled when they came in. But that's not good enough for me. When there are no Doctors or licensed Counselors available to kids whose primary reason for being there is a supposed trouble or addiction and being there against their will at that as well as parents entrusting their kids' lives to this place with the dream it will help them, it's not just irresponsible, it is criminal.

It is criminal and it happened to me.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
______________________________

http://stroke.freeforums.org/index.php? ... 9bf3c85a42

Illuminate the path we tred.