Seriously, is there more potential for an absolute train wreck of a relationship than having two survivors date?
I go back and forth on this. Really, I do. Sometimes I think it would be workable, other times, impossible. Not like I am going out of my way to find any one, particular type of person to date, survivor or otherwise (unless she is an artist/musician... then I'm all hers... especially if she happens to be an A/V geek and now plays drums for a totally pretentious, overrated, musicians' collective. oh wait, she has a boyfriend. never mind.)
I think that, as a survivor, it can probably be anywhere from 2-6 times more difficult than dating someone who was not one. This is all speculation, however, since I have never dated another survivor, and my previous relationships were pretty annoying and fucked up anyway.
One thing I have found interesting about any situation where a group of people are thrown together for an extended amount of time and all suffer the same systematic abuse, is that we all share that common experience, and as such, will feel a connection with those people, even if you never would have even considered being friends with them had you met them in the real world and neither of you had survived a program.
So... when you reconnect with someone years later, what is there? The program. And there is a guarantee that you both will share at least some symptoms. I always have to give myself a narcissism check when I am talking with another survivor. Am I seeing them, or my reflection? (I mentioned that in the other thread.)
It's as if you know someone intimately, yet not at all. You trust them, but you don't.
Which brings me to why I think this is harder than your average relationship. You are hooking up with someone, who, for most intents and purposes, is about as much of a stranger to you as a person you go out with on a date for the first time, which is fine. This is normal. The not-so-normal part is that despite the lack of real insight or connection you have with each other, you know how to really get under each other's skin, push each other's buttons, and exploit each other's vulnerabilities, because you have similar issues and symptoms as a result of that abuse. I'm sorry, but nobody gets those car keys until they have been with me for quite some time.
Do I really want to be with someone who possibly knew me when I was at my ugliest and my psyche was the most compromised? Would anyone want to be with someone who had that kind of knowledge? That's fucking blackmail material right there.
As for that arbitrary 2-6 range that I mentioned earlier, here is how I broke it down in my mind:
2x as difficult: Dating someone from a different program than your own
3x: Dating someone from the same program, but who attended a different campus or different era
4x: Dating someone from the same program, who attended when you did, but you either don't remember them well or you weren't that close.
5x: Dating someone from the same program, who attended when you did and you were close friends or in the same peer group.
6x: Dating someone form the same program, who attended when you did, you were possibly close, and there was an authority dynamic between you two. (older/younger student)
5x and 6x I think are pretty neck and neck, for the most part. I think it was the authority dynamic that put that scenario as potentially the hardest in my mind.
I really do think that it is more difficult for a lot of us to see that other person a lot of times. At least it is for me. I always have to remind myself "I see you. I hear you." Because seriously, I *want* to see them. I'm sick of looking at myself. I see my ugly mug in the bathroom mirror every day.
I certainly don't think it's impossible, just difficult. And like I said, what the hell do I know? I've never dated another survivor. I'm still pining after drummer girl. (well, not *as* much.)
I think it gets better when the conversations specific to the program have tapered off, and the majority of your conversations are about what kind of day you had, this killer movie you just saw, what's for dinner, or how much of an amazing fuck you were last night, darling.
Anyway, I have officially overthought this issue.
As such, I have come to the following conclusion:
Fuck it, life is short. If you make each other happy, then it's all good.
...because if there is one thing the program drilled into our brains... is that we could die tomorrow.