I come here because I first went to a different forum after typing in google cedu graduate. I went to this other forum where there were some CEDU alumni and I posted my experience. I was pretty new to the internet and was shocked when I next returned that I had been attacked, when I did nothing but post my experience. I posted a post with a few questions regarding the program's reason for things, and was faced with hostility. Another occasion someone had taken on my identity there and assumed I was something different than I am, and posted some laughable shit pretending to be my handle- me.
I came to fornits.com and was welcomed, PMed by a few welcomers asking my experience. I ignored those for about a year. During that time Parents of perspective "students" contacted me and asked my experience, opinion, and references.
I not only felt justified in questioning what I myself witnessed at RMA (CEDU), but felt encouraged to finally explore WHYs. Why did it take such a large portion of my BRAIN, my past, my CEDU education? Why did I value so much what I avoided the more?
For some ten years- Inside myself- I ran from any thought or person who I knew knew the program. I stopped any situation that could remind me, Barbara Streisand is singing in the Safeway, I'm out. Mom talks about the academic defecit I have because of Idaho, I shut down, she mentions anything regarding my mental health and future and stability, (and 50% of the time it's regular motherly shit, I'd say concern but...) and because I couldn't face WHY and HOW my relationship with her and myself had changed over the years, it was hang up, go away, conversation over.
Then something in me woke up. Or maybe it died. Or burst. Snapped, spun, reflected, evolved, changed,
I realized that I was living a life in reaction. I was Anxious and scared and quirky. I had terrible insomnia. I went to the shrink. Um, a real one, this time. He said I could have PTSD. I ignored him, and told him the reason I became so emotional about when talking aout the place and felt compelled to talk of the CEDU education place is because emotionally, when I felt something strongly- anger, desperation, sadness, guilt- I was automatically transported there. I'd think and dream about it even though I was conciously blocking it out. It was only natural I'd get emotional when talking about Idaho, right Doc? Outside his office I never talked of it. I only saw him for a couple of months. I was starting to wake up, but the alarm went off inside of me on September 10th, 2001,
The whole clock got ripped out of the wall the next morning. I watched the second tower rammed, heard the plane augering in low and the signal give out on the television behind me. My roomate and I were half out the window staring at the WTC, but it's his facial expression that's burnt in me now. Like RIchard Armstrong standing in front of the door in 1988 and I hear a pair of scissors open next to my hear. That moment feels the same. The slow motion action in my minds eye, as my first day at RMA, in Idaho. Some emotional vampiric monster had tracked me from Idaho. It stalked me down in the city, and took that ten years and called it WASTE, when it found me.
I had been running, avoiding responsibility, denying any possibility that I wasn't perfect because I had my summit.
I returned home after renting out my spot in B'lyn. I told 'em I needed help. I took this shrink more serious because I was ready, There was no question that the trauma I experienced personally by witnessing what I did on the tenth and eleventh of September, 2001 was emotional and state terrorism, and did jar, in me, the need to see what is real.
CEDU stole soul(s).