Subject: Rules For A Safe Halloween
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids that speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve any puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on or above a grave, tomb or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which just caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits...just get out.
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good
reason for it. DO NOT stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle
Or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had half a tank, just go ahead and shoot yourself. You're going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
18. If you wonder upon a strange alien-looking pod that is beginning to open, DO NOT stick around to see what it is going to do.
19. Do not look in a mirror and chant mystical names or phrases.
20. If you are in a confrontation with the undead and manage to cut off a head, arm or leg, you will now have to battle the severed appendage as well.
21. In the event that you have to face one of Satan's minions, don't use Holy Water or a crucifix as a weapon because it only angers them.
22. Don't use garlic as a vampire repellant. This is an old wives tale, and if you were to ask your garden variety vampire they would most likely tell you that the garlic actually improves the flavor and the strong odor makes the victim easier to find.
