Give or take. I had blood in my pee. I got taken to the clinic, I was on first phase at the time on a "setback". I got no medicine. Next Friday I got on 2nd phase again, went to someone else's host home though. Saturday I was v. sick and went to emergency room and got antibiotics. That night I had a raging fever, 105 degrees. Lucky my mom was there at that host home to make sure I was okay. Next day I checked into Fairfax Hospital and was there for a few days on cold blankets and iv drips. My mom didn't make me go back to Straight after that but she held it over my head that she would if I didn't --------. A high fever does stuff to you. Getting mind raped by Straight does something to you. Having it held over your head does something to you. I do know for sure there is a cure. There is no perfect life, there is always suffering, but your soul comes from god. Then I see a photo in the media of a mother weeping over the coffin of a four-year old. I have a terrible nightmare, then I read about miners trapped to die deep underground. That is endless, the question of why this beautiful life, why this suffering? There is some evil behind Straight, Incorporated, something really, really evil and stench-ridden, beyond just a "zealotry" to get kids off drugs. Maybe just this small thing that you do is not so bad. Maybe you meant to be one of the good guys. Maybe it would take some real in-depth training like some kind of martial arts to feel your motives right and to make sure you were fighting with the right army. At the end of the day, have you been gentle and kind? The reason Jesus said to serve people is he was the backwards king. He didn't say I am the greatest, I will rule you and control you. He said, serve me by serving the least of these, feed the hungry, clothe the poor. Serve each other. That's the only kind of king I would ever trust or give my allegiance to. It's not even a born-again Christian thing. It's just something you feel sometimes, sometimes more, sometimes less. Sometimes you have a huge feeling in your heart and you know everything is taken care of by god. Sometimes you are so despondent when you see how much you live in North Korea and can't get out. That's when the old negro spirituals mean something to you, you feel it all the way down and you understand that the promised land isn't everything turning out all right. Sometimes a lot of things turn out wrong, people get killed and innocent people go to prison. The promised land is in your heart and in your soul, the promised land is getting tired and sitting at the front of the bus, the promised land is hundreds of people boycotting the buses, the promised land is telling the true story to teach the coming generations.
