Author Topic: Fred Francis reports... (Read 7807 times)

Anonymous · « **on:** July 31, 2007, 08:47:33 PM »

Anyone remember the documentary?

Anonymous · « **Reply #1 on:** August 01, 2007, 12:43:00 PM »

yep???

Anonymous · « **Reply #2 on:** August 01, 2007, 04:17:04 PM »

Were you there 3 times? Are you from Boston?

3xsaSeedling · « **Reply #3 on:** August 02, 2007, 12:14:55 PM »

Yup.
I had such a hard time posting here: feels kinda like I'm back on the front row. This sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sucks!!
Not from Boston... Jersey shore.
Where have y'all been?

3xsaSeedling · « **Reply #4 on:** August 02, 2007, 03:19:40 PM »

I'm remembering stuff I could've KEPT living without.
Have to change my 'quote' now:
"...I found it!!"
oh joy.

3xsaSeedling · « **Reply #5 on:** August 11, 2007, 03:03:39 PM »

I'm not sure where this subject does belong, but I have to get this out.
I was molested by a family member from the time I was 4 until the age of 16. There were other times, other people, too. Felt like a magnet, actually.
There's no closure for this. Nameless, faceless strangers from the past, the family member's dead. Only what I'll be able to live with.
Why didn't theallseeingArtBarker see that one? Why was I so angry?
Not only did my own family (with 2 exceptions) not see/do anything? Wait: that's how I got to theSeed.
Now I can really feel like I don't fit in anywhere. Forever. Sometimes, there is no 'around the yucky parts'.
Perfect that I call all these memories 'stuff': that's just what I did-stuff them. 2 years worth. Suddenly I feel like my whole life is at stake.
I see lots of 'roadsigns' in retrospect, for all the good that does me now.
I've had issues with being left out and being liked for as long as I can remember. Did whatever it took to 'be included'. 2 neighbor boys lured me into a shed and convinced me to expose myself to them. My mother caught them, but never spoke to me about any of it. I have no clue what she was thinking, but in todays world... . I think I lucked out on that one.
All the while... My family is HUGE. When there are get-togethers, all the 'kids' slept together, like a big slumber party. Included was horsing around and lots of 'you kids be quiet now and go to sleep'. Lots of laughter and warm fuzzy feelings, ya know? There was also inappropriate contact (I called it 'slap and tickle'). I just blew this stuff off as normal kid behavior. I was 4 when that started.
Then, more neighbors. I was 10-12 by now. My family member would 'pop-up' every now and then, but I managed to duck that mostly.

I remember in H.S. a boy I liked tried to force me to perform oral on him. Twenty years later I 'met' him again. When he asked if I remembered him, with that smirk on his face, I gave him a blank look and said 'nope'. :wink: How satisfying to watch his ego wither everytime he saw me after that!
He used to have to come to my job EVERY week... ::roflmao::....still do when I think of it...

When I was 11 or so, my molestation became a regular thing, every time this family member saw a chance to try. Apparently my reactions were to act out. This got me the label 'incorrigible' - what does that mean, anyway?
They sent me to my cousin's farm for the summer. I loved it! Quit smoking, learned some things, wanted to stay and go to school. Then her husband molested me. And I told this time. Home I went. Then they forgot my birthday...
One day, incorrigible me was assaulted by the family member. Tied me up and tried to rape me. My brother intervened. My parents came home. All I got was the 'if you're lying' speech. Not another word. No concern, no counseling, NOT ANOTHER WORD. I was never left alone w/the family member again. (There was a final episode with the family member who approached me when I was about 20. Blew the whole thing off w/a yeahsureright - getthefuckouttahere.) I wish I had remembered some of this 'stuff' then.
Also around this time my bro-in-law decided it was ok to have some fun w/me too. (I'll be your best friend! Ya know ya want to!)
I had the time to talk with my mom about this before she died. About 10 years after, the family member died. Bear w/me. I have to be careful to protect...
8-) was my favorite. Always. I would do anything ** ever asked, loved *** that much. Still. And **'s been dead for years.
My reality is calling me. gtg

bbasap

GregFL · « **Reply #6 on:** August 11, 2007, 11:29:22 PM »

Well, abused, neglected, truant, broken family..all of us ended up in the seed. Rape and abuse before the seed unfortunately seemed to be fairly common, as it is in society at large. The amount of children in the seed with this problem seemed to be much higher because of course, we were the troubled kids.

What was not normal is to lock up these rape/molestation victims in 'treatment' where they had to blame themselves for all the bad that happened in their past/where they had to say they were slutty if they were girls, and where no treatment was ever given, not even a nod, for their pre-program abuse. What they got instead was more abuse.

I am sorry this happened to you 3X. thank goodness it happened so long ago and you are now old enough to understand that it was them that were wrong, not you.

Anonymous · « **Reply #7 on:** August 12, 2007, 01:11:33 AM »

That is correct Greg. There was no treatment to anything real inside ourselves. We were caught up in the middle of "kids" that really weren't kids for so long because as the years passed, they turned from thier 20's to their 50's. Most of them tried their best to keep that "childhood innocent" expression, but the older they got the less convincing it became. Many of them looked like what they needed was sex to calm them down a bit, the whole time reminding you that "They" were the "truth." Can you imagine someone following you all around the house telling you stories of the goup's heroes as if the person telling the story witnessed the act? There was always a secret lingering in their minds. . .you could feel it when they talked to you and it was in their eyes. ..Were they trying to say, the way we live is not "normal" . . ."i'm not really like this. . .this isn't me!" Am I in your eyes now, Greg?

Anonymous · « **Reply #8 on:** August 12, 2007, 10:34:08 AM »

I went to CEDU, and funnily enough, was just starting to get better on my own after some traumatic experiences, and neglect and abuse in the home. I started to learn how to protect myself and I wasn't trying to fill holes using vices... but I still grappled with a monumental sleep disorder and couldn't seem to stay in school. Other than that, I was an honest, sincere, if sensitive kid.

At that moment, I was sent to CEDU (for not going to school, which I literally couldn't stay awake for). CEDU in a very weird way sent me backward by re-traumatizing me in many ways, and also by never even knowing or addressing the issues I was already beginning to come to terms with. It effectively undid my growing healthier self esteem and understanding. The strange thing was that I was trying to convince myself that CEDU was helping me, when I was actually thrown off my natural trajectory.

Everything that 3X went through before the program was already horrific and unjust... Going through the program only enmeshes that sense of unworthiness... that is what makes me so angry about these places. How can a treatment based on humiliation and degradation do anything but further cripple someone? How can anyone involved in the structure/ideology of the program not see that their methodology is NOT beneficial and conducive to sending out emotionally healthy people back in society? It just seems like common sense to me.

I remember sitting in the raps watching the meanest facilitators/contributors take cotrol/power of the room. People were in awe of them...and feared them. Kissing their asses out of raps in hopes they'd be spared. I remember thinking how can these people be so lionized? I couldn't understand how they could live with the meanness residing inside them. To watch these Little Hitlers deified out of fear and cowardice was the most unsettling, unnerving hallmark of the program to me. Shouldn't it have been respect, insight, compassion, and humanity that earned them their status?

The realization that the place designated with the responsibility of helping you only raped you emotionally just sickens me.

3xsaSeedling · « **Reply #9 on:** August 12, 2007, 01:20:31 PM »

I don't understand: how we can be evidence, and still there's denial of 'abuse' we endured?
I'm talking about emotional brainwashing. I'm talking about feeling like you don't quite fit in, sqare peg in a round hole. Then the idea :idea: "I asked for/deserved" this, Abby-Normal, ya know? I was never even stood in front of group and come down on when I started over. That would be 'playing her attention game'. Just stuck back in group. Lucked out again, I think I was SO brainwashed, I never knew I had been, and isn't that the point?!
I used to watch the staff during group to see if I could 'pick-up-on' what it was that made them sooo different.
Picture a room full of little piles of shit. I still stuck out-got that wrong too!
Some things just don't wash off. Like being taught you did it to yourself and deserve what you get. Thanks Art.

I'll never know what made my family member think molesting me was ok. I'll never know why my family chose to participate in my emotional rape as well. They will never understand how it was for me, nor me for them.I have never used or even seen a junkie/crack addict, or either drug.
Abandonment issues, useless crap like that. Looks like I struggle with my same demons today as then. Experiences have taught me how to 'beat them into submission' and go on about my merry way. I still watch&wait. Reality does have a way of being real. 36 years doesn't change that.
None of this has ever calmed the suicidal urges I've had forever.*

I keep thinking of a compass analogoy I read in here. I could still use a good 'needle-straightening'! And which way IS due north?!
Here's another one: what if we weren't ever really 'broken'?

*"Just keep passing the open windows." freddie mercury
I hear ya freddie

Anonymous · « **Reply #10 on:** August 16, 2007, 08:09:15 AM »

I was around in those days. What were your initials then? Maybe I remember you?

Anonymous · « **Reply #11 on:** August 16, 2007, 08:09:55 AM »

I was around in those days. What were your initials then? Maybe I remember you?

3xsaSeedling · « **Reply #12 on:** August 16, 2007, 11:33:59 AM »

mgm - also had 2 brothers (2yrs. and 4 yrs. older than I) 1 lived at home. Neither were ever involved in the program: they lucked out. It would've ruined both of them.
...And yours?

Anonymous · « **Reply #13 on:** August 16, 2007, 04:34:47 PM »

TCK. I had a sister that went through the program and 3 younger brothers that did not. As they say we f*#@ed up everything for ourselves so they didn't need to be as f*#@ed up as we were. Both my sister & I benefited from the program. I have alot of good memories. I stuck around for a long time, she did not. We happen to be best of friends today.
I feel bad that you had such a crappy home life as a kid. Its sounds like a bad Dr. Phill show. I empathize with your situation. I had emotional and physical abuse from an alcoholic father, but luckily no sexual abuse.
He finally went to AA when I was in my mid 20's and stayed sober till the day he died a few years ago. My mom was in and out of nut houses when I was a kid. Once divorced and off of tranquilizers, she kind of stabilized as the years went on. I guess thats even still questionable today. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

GregFL · « **Reply #14 on:** August 17, 2007, 03:03:45 PM »

TCK, if you are new here, welcome. If you are not, welcome back.

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