Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > Straight, Inc. and Derivatives

STRAIGHT books, screenplays, etc.

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Carmel:
I dont know if this helps...but I envy you.  I always wished that I hadnt gone in so cowed as I did.  I look back and wish that I had been more resistant.  I think the people who didnt comply with the program had a little more upstairs than the rest of us.  

You were surviving, probably a lot better than those of us who just went along.  You cant be expected to be so accountable for the way you acted.  You were just defending your mind.  if that meant taking pleasure in others pain, maybe thats what you needed at that time to keep it together.  

We all did what we had to to keep it together....and now we can laugh and cry and talk about it all with a new perspective.  Dont feel bad.  I was to afraid to lash out, god do I ever wish that I had though.

There was a girl that used to attack me all the time, like you said....targeting people.  I fought back once because there was no one close enough to restrain her and she would have pummeled my brains out had I not lashed back.  I got put on a refresher for it.

I dont hold a single bit of it against her.  She was stronger than me.  Mentally I mean...she wouldnt let them and their insanity in. I cant really see it from your point of view...but maybe I can help you to know that what you were doing was not all that horrible given the circumstances.

misbehaver:
Carmel, they got in...Deeper than I ever thought, I appreciate your kind words, but I refused to feel during my Straighttime. I managed to detach; completely, or so I thought. But,I refocused my dysfunction; allowing me to transform into someone that I refused to admit that I'd become. A loser in a no win situation; this fed my appetite for vengence, violence, etc.

That allowed me the the freedom to lack compassion and care, concern, etc. EXCEPT for those willing to fight with me. Yep, I sure felt stupid when the other "hardcore" misbehavers threw their shoes at me when I got pulled off the floor after restraint. I'd never felt so alone. I couldn't drag my own family into this nightmare unless I went along. In a way, I felt that by fighting Straight to the very end, they (my parents) could be somehow protectected from being sucked all the way in. That was my twisted way of taking responsibility. Tough Love???

A combative teenager merged easily into a brutal adult? I was in Straight in 1986, but unlike many "phasers" I never stopped fighting. I never will. It's my job. Fortunately, we live in a time when my vocation is demanded. And well paid. Jason

kaydeejaded:
I never got into a physical fight until Straight, I was scared to death of the people I met at Straight. They were so much older(I was 14) and bigger (just under 5 feet) than me. They drove me to violence, to where I did not care if I won or not as long as I got a few shots in. I lost the concern that I would get hurt or I would lose. I really can only credit Straight with that.
       In some ways I am grateful I guess because I can pretend not to be afraid when I am, now. I seem to be more confident than I was before, but I am not. I am still scared. I just act like I am not and sometimes convince everyone but me.
        Straight I rail against everyday, hating them being resentful to my parents ect.. But they are the defining influence in my life. Maybe I am pathetic but it is true. They changed my veiw of the world and although they were WRONG in their ways I would be a different person today if I did not spend 13 months with them.
         I did not get out as a gradutate or even a changed sober person. I was messed up but aware of the lies always below the surface of everything, everyone and every story. This is a trait that angers my family even my friends but it is true. I did not make the lies I only decided to see them and accept the fear that comes along with reality. The fear that probably kept the spieces alive for years before man oraganized and dominated this planet.  
        I think that it was the frightened man who made rules to live by. Guidelines to eliminate suprises and keep things under his control. It was the confident who was so sure in the final outcome he saw no reason to control the fates that led him there. I do not need to be told what to do is what I am saying don't tell me shit, I was given the instincts to do what is right for myself. For the holy rollers then if I am wrong in anything that I do then your God is not perfect and in your very thought you are against him for he made me, And homosexuals by the way! While we are are at it! :wink:

Anonymous:

--- Quote ---On 2002-01-31 13:35:00, misbehaver wrote:
 I reached a point that I not only targeted certain individuals, I took pleasure in the actual exchange of injuries. That's the kinda stuff I have difficulty taking resposiblity for.

--- End quote ---

Believe me, I know what you're saying. I didn't do a whole lot of physical violence on anyone. There's only one time I remember hitting someone. It was self defense, but it was political; had nothing do do with the girl that I hid.

I'd come back from splitting, been marathoned for some hours; I like to think it was around 4 for some reason but I realy don't remember. I didn't hit back when I was 1 against 4 or so. That would just be dumb. I didn't even yell back. I knew were spending valuable moral the longer they didn't get a rise out of me.

Afterward, excercise rap. I had a bad case of bronchitis and asthma. I complied with walking, that was reasonable. But trying to run brought on severe coughing and choking fits. But they wouldn't quit pushing and staff was pulling people aside and telling them to push me harder. So, at some point, I decided brinksmanship was in order and decided to sucker punch the next bitch who dug her nails into my back. (Remember, girls, long nails were a sign of 'doing good' because picking or biting them was avoidance?)

Well, the next girl was Kim, who'd never hurt anyone that I remember. And she wasn't really putting much entheusiasm behind the harrasment; she'd just come up behind me and it was her turn. But I'd made up my mind. Mainly because I really hated the last girl who'd poked me in the back till I almost fell over. She really was a snotty bitch. That and the fact that I really couldn't take much more.

My dad was an old WWII vet and lifetime evangelical NRA member. He taught me to seriously consider at what point violence really was in order and to understand that that was a point of no return. Well this was it. So poor Kim comes up behind me and does her part to keep staff from dunning her for 'being weak with me' and 'not showing enough love for' me. I gave her a roundhouse that put her on the floor. I didn't even know who she was till it was too late to pull back.

Nothing happened that I can remember. I remember walking around the far side of the big group room and seeing all these people hovering over her. [To: any lurkers unfamiliar with Program culture, Yeah they kept running and I kept walking. Staff hadn't told anyone to quit, had they?] I was braced for a serious takedown but none came. Not a word was ever said to me that I remember. But then, there's about a year that I don't remember.

That was the only time I ever remember striking out violently. But I did my share of the psyche crime to avoide it. I tried my best to mitigate without taking any risk. I was saving that up. I never broke a rule until I started planning to split. I saved/stle lunch money and got up an hour early on the pretense of studying to knock down a couple of cups of hi intensity Folgers Crystals solution to try and lose some wieght (ugly girls should never hitchhike!).

That means that I acted as a spy and a CO and a snitch and a mindfucker for all the time I was angling for the door. I have so much more respect and affection for whoever it was who broke my nose than for all those who helped break my mind. The bitch of the whole thing is that I can't remember who's who and they're probably the same people.

BTW, I didn't answer right the last time. Just wasn't focused, I guess. It doesn't matter what I think, does it? But that's the best expression that came to me for what I was trying to say.

Wrong? How can you be wrong? This is your business. Whatever you decide is, by definition, right. Isn't it?

misbehaver:
email me. survivital@aol.com

Jason. Please?nicey.nice....
Not tryin to sound needy;if ya got something to say,I'd love to hear ya.your determination and spirit are rare, not to be wasted. Jason

[ This Message was edited by: misbehaver on 2002-02-08 20:28 ]

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