Dealing with a Silverback

[Woof-a-Doof]

I haven’t written in a while, but felt the need. This post isn’t about Straight Inc. in the strictest sense. It’s more so about daily shit I have experienced lately…day in and day out shit. Wouldn’t even think Straight Inc and it’s long lingering effects would enter the picture…yet they still haunt

Where to start….

Ok, I am not an idiot. I am not stupid. I am not ill mannered. I am not lazy.

I have a few physical issues, including two herniated disks in my lower back (L4-L5 specifically). I also have pernicious anemia (body doesn’t retain or maintain sufficient levels of Vitamin B12).

I am being treated for Attention Deficit Disorder w/o Hyperactivity and Explosive Temper Disorder (mostly due to frustrations exacerbated by the ADD).

I work an average of 48-50 hours a week, in a field of work that is totally foreign to my experience. I work with a company that refurbishes school busses into bloodmobiles. The work environment is like a cross tween “American Chopper” and “Monster Garage”. I have been there over two years.

Because I have no mechanical inclination or experience, or any building/designing experience…understandably I am not held in high esteem buy my co-workers.

However, I have a tenacious personality. This, I think, has won whatever respect I have obtained there. If I say I can’t…chances are I am right. Yet if another person says I can’t…I take serious issue.

I accepted this job as a favor to a neighbor, who asked me to “help out” his father in-law…who I have learned, has the personality along with all the traits of a Silverback Gorilla.  He is controlling and watchful of anything that would interfere with his domain. He will go toe to toe with anyone, including our employer…and those 501c Blood Centers we deal with. He will, preen his crew, help rotate tires, and help tune up personal vehicles, change oil etc etc etc.

There is a general rule of thumb I believe to be universal in that the “The only stupid question is” A) one that is not asked or B) one that you all ready know the answer to. With my foreman, the only stupid question is the one that comes out of my mouth.

Daily, I am in a position that I simply have to ask a question. Inevitably I feel like an absolute moron and then I find myself in a horrible situation…I have to approach the Silverback. The outcome of this could be a simple answer, or he could look at me as if I had three heads, totally befuddled. I try to articulate the situation in a clear a manner as possible…it just seems to make it worse. Now, he is pissed…and has to go and physically examine whatever it is that brought me to him in the first place.

Emotionally at this time, or I should say, between the time of asking the question and going to examine the problem…I am a basket case, because I don’t know how he will respond. Will he remember I have ADD, and simply show me or tell me then be done with it….or, will he belittle or berate me….will he take that attitude further into the shop…exposing his wrath to my co-workers?

As I said, I have been there over two years now and I think my skin has thickened considerably in regards to the working milieu of the shop. I was taken on as an apprentice/helper and now run my own crew. I show up on time, do overtime, work weekends.

As most of us do, I examine everything. Yet looking at this puzzles me. As I said earlier, I am not an idiot, far from lazy, certainly not stupid and I think I have some form of decency/decorum when dealing with other people…So how come I feel like a moron? Why are my emotions, my inner landscape dominated by the Silverback? There is a sense of incongruence each time I have dealings with him. I don’t sleep with him, I don’t feed him, so why should give a fuck about how he thinks about me or treats me?

So what’s this have to do with Straight Inc? I am not sure exactly. However, after each of these incidents I think of Straight Inc., nothing specific but just vague memory references to Straight Inc. A sensation or feeling of “never being good enough” and for what? I have no aspirations to do the work I do now! Like "never being good enough" in Straight....for what?

Why do I all to often feel like a turd in the punch bowl?

Why is the sense of “not being good enough” so important for less than 30g’s a year? Nothing about my work is mission critical, there are no lives at stake…I see it is as strictly personal. I don’t understand how people with good intentions can say to me…”Don’t take it personally”…Duh It’s happening to me “personally”. Or another, “Don’t take things so seriously”…Shit, get your ass chewed by the Silverback and see if there isn’t the resemblance of seriousness......and well, Personaly I do take what i do Seriously

It was predicted while I was in Straight Inc. that I would not live to be thirty years of age. I am almost 45…there is no owners manual…there is no reference chart and there is absolutely nothing I can reach back from Straight Inc. to help guide me thru this shit….well that’s not true, entirely…I can endure abusive situations for tremendous amounts of time for no obvious reason.

Wouldn’t that look good as an addendum to my resume?

woof (but feeling like a doof)

[Froderik]

I hear ya with all of this, Woof... You ever read Dostoyevsky? He talks about similar thoughts and emotions in Notes from Underground. I guess the point is you (and we) are not alone.. and it doesn't solely have to do with the fallout from being incarcerated at Straight, Inc.

[starry-eyed pirate]

Hey Woof.

I don't know...I think I know what you mean.  I don't know what to tell ya though.  I can't work with strangers at all.  I either work alone or with one of my close friends.  Most everyone around here don't even really have jobs.  we all just rinky-tink around scrappin an' such.

Well anyway, I just sorta wanted to say 'hey what's up, the mighty God is a livin man.'

[Woof-a-Doof]

errrrrr typed  buncha stuff in responce to your respnces and then closed the window...ugh

Froderick----thanks, and no I have not read any of Dostoyevsky...i did a quick search on him and did a lil reading on him on wikipedia...I will follow up on the work you mentioned as well. I agree, not all of my shortcomings and stupid shit can be blammed on Straight. Just that when yelled at, berated and belittled I get a visceral reaction....just like in Straight.

Pirate---I always get a smile in my spirit when I hear from ya! Actually, my employer, had a massive heart attack while delivering a blood mobile to Michagan (not the silverback). As such, overtime has been cut back effective immediately....so my time there may be limited....which is cooooool by me. Ihave a honey do list a mile long, and would really love to get a jump on a few projects. Also, it will give me time to get more work done on the ambulance I bought.  I wanna convert it into a mobile Digital Art Classroom.

Namasta

[Sam Kinison]

How sick was that time during Str8´s infancy during Helen P´s Reign of Terror.I was for some strange reason remembering Phil Ondriecek(sic)and his vicious,abusive Aunt Leigh.This lady was a ringside regular at the Rasslin at the Armory on Tuesday Nights.According to Phil,She was a lady grappler herself in her youth and by looking at her,it was very believable.I remember one open meeting,right after Phil "screwed up"(I HATE THAT TERM)and her holding the microphone doing what I call playing the trailer park dozens,calling him things like the "North End of a Southbound Mule" amongst a bunch of juvenile insults.Talk about your feelings,parents!Since she wasn't a parent but a relative stuck with him,I guess an exception was made for empathy and sensitivity.Hartz decided with this battle axe as a guardian,Phil treatment would be "hopeless" and terminated him.What really sticks out to me about this was,during this open meeting tirade by Leigh,Helen Peterman was standing in front of the parents,looking at the kids,with an unforgettable glowing gleeful expression.It was if a tiny genie was giving her cunnilingus right there and then,that's how ecstatic she was.His Aunt calling this kid "The North End of a Southbound Mule" over a microphone in front of 300 people gave her an unmeasuarable amount of joy,one hardly seen by the likes of this lady.I mention this just as addendum on just how sick and twisted bitch Helen Peterman really was!Mr.D,I still remember you with your head back on the panelling on that wall the first night at the Lang's house with that look of "Oh Shit,What do I do from here?".I'm glad you trusted me at least somebody did.I think that staff at that time was frustarated with me at that time because for that year and a half,as you mentioned D,I managed to survive that insane,soon to become more insane place.My mother thinks that she saved my life by sending me there,I have just begun to tell her of the atrociously high mortality rate of Str8 grads versus the rest of society.Mom's still looking for the words.Hang in there Mr D!One things for sure,if you can take Str8,you can take almost anything!

[webdiva]

'hey what's up, the mighty God is a livin man.'

you got that right mon! Now pass the orange juice! i'm thirsty!

and when you breakin out those tools pirate? or have you already?

[Antigen]

As most of us do, I examine everything. Yet looking at this puzzles me. As I said earlier, I am not an idiot, far from lazy, certainly not stupid and I think I have some form of decency/decorum when dealing with other people…So how come I feel like a moron? Why are my emotions, my inner landscape dominated by the Silverback? There is a sense of incongruence each time I have dealings with him. I don’t sleep with him, I don’t feed him, so why should give a fuck about how he thinks about me or treats me?

Tell that fuckin little staff member in your head to have a seat!

[85 Day Jerk]

What you are going through is normal.  We were conditioned to take abuse, and learn to expect it as a normal everyday occurance.
This Silverback fellow probably capitalizes on it and focuses his wrath on you more than others simply because he can.  I'm not gonna say it is right, but in the workplace, there are few alternatives to abuse that won't end up turning around to bite YOU in the ass no matter how unfair the situation.  I sense that you have reached a conclusion of your own that the job may simply not be worth keeping, and in alot of ways you may be right.  If you don't own the business, did not study hard to be there, or have a great deal of yourself wrapped up in the place, you are simply a cog on the wheel.

I had a job delivering laundry on the beaches back in the later part of the eighties and my boss got so bad that  I actually made up a story that I had forgot to latch the back door of the van and laundry fell out onto Gulf Blvd and got ruined by traffic.  What I actually did was to throw a couple of bags onto the street on my lunch break and let the traffic run over them until the linen and towels were fucked!  I got back with the story and ruined laundry, and old man Ray actually gave me a lecture, an extra weeks severance pay for free and then wished me luck.  I could'nt believe it, I was speechless.
Sometimes leaving a job is the best thing you can do for yourself all year.  Take care

[starry-eyed pirate]

errrrrr typed  buncha stuff in responce to your respnces and then closed the window...ugh

That sucks.  Happened to me more times than I care to remember.

it will give me time to get more work done on the ambulance I bought.  I wanna convert it into a mobile Digital Art Classroom.

That sounds like a great project.  Best 'a' luck to ya.

God is in you.

[RTP2003]

Tell that fuckin little staff member in your head to have a seat!

Smoke marijuana and execute the Straight staff that still live inside your head.  Destroy the Straight that still exists inside your head by SMOKING MARIJUANA.

[Anonymous]

As most of us do, I examine everything. Yet looking at this puzzles me. As I said earlier, I am not an idiot, far from lazy, certainly not stupid and I think I have some form of decency/decorum when dealing with other people…So how come I feel like a moron? Why are my emotions, my inner landscape dominated by the Silverback? There is a sense of incongruence each time I have dealings with him. I don’t sleep with him, I don’t feed him, so why should give a fuck about how he thinks about me or treats me?

Tell that fuckin little staff member in your head to have a seat!

Better yet, smoke marijuana and destroy the whole goddamn program, killing the little staff member in the process.  As we all know, smoking marijuana is the most effective, and perhaps the only way to destroy the Straight that still exists inside your head.

[Carmel]

Have to share a little secret with you Woof.  

I saw in the OP you mentioned a herniation in your L4-L5.  I am not a certified caveman western medical professional, but I will tell you that nine times out of ten....a herniation around these verts indicates a severely strung "psoas" muscle.  Some 90% of people Ive worked with that have this issue, have nothing more than a really tight psoas, and it can be alleviated with a series of sessions, usually one or two, working with the psoas major, minor and illiacus muscles.  Its really that simple.  I am talking a 100% reversal of any herniation.  No surgery, no drugs, and best of all its mainatinable at a miniscule fraction of the cost of seeing a regular doc for something he will never be able to cure.  A herniation is really simple to alleviate if you can target the cause...usually a combination of postural repetition (work induced mostly) and the resulting muscular dysfunction over a period of time.  

Of course, a solution this simple is in no way as lucrative as ongoing drug therapy and surgey, so you wont find a doctor that will suggest it, or even understands it most of the time.  If you are interested, I highly suggest you find an EXPERIENCED Massage Therapist who works with sports medicine who can do a proper psoas release.  You'll be back in shape in less than 3 weeks, Id bet my right arm on it.  Ive done it over and over and over for people, its hard to imagine such a simple solution....but youd be amazed at what paying actual ATTENTION to our bodies and what they tell us can achieve.

If you have trouble finding someone, I can even walk you through it to do for yourself and/or with another person. Free of charge of course.  PM me and we can chittle chattle on it.  Do a google image search on the psoas and you can get a nice idea of what muscle Im talking about, I can answer any questions you have.

[4Reagan2Youth0]

I wanna pay some attention to your body Carmel......
(shit, fuck, did I just write that out loud...........??)

No really, I need some tension releif too..  Can I PM you for a walk thru on rubbing myself? :wink:

[Carmel]

Ha!  Somehow I dont think you need any instructions on that....

I will try to come check out your show in August....so long as I dont get puched or kicked by some asshole punk whore.

[4Reagan2Youth0]

you'll be safe..