Table Restriction

[Anonymous]

God, what has my life become. When I get into work now and am sipping my coffee, all I find myself doing is quickly logging into fornits to get my fix. This past 2 weeks has been like turning on a rusty faucet that was off for 20 years and now the faucet is on and running and all the dirty dark colored rust filled water just keeps pouring out. memories are coming back at a rapid rate.

Latest and greatest  horrible memory - Table restriction.
As someone who served about 8 table restrictions in his time, FUCK YOU to all the fucking look goods and staff that kept me confined to so many dark dreary lonely nights in that stupid cafeteria. Twice I had the lower level. The lower level was good because you had that awesome view, the upper level facing the wall was probably the worst. The middle level was lame because everytime someone came in to get a piece of fruit or drink of water, they would talk amongst themselves and pretend that you weren't there.

That was the worst. They knew you could hear EVERYTHING they'd be talking about. Some fucking kids on Sunday nights would come in and talk about how great the movie was. You were just forced to sit there and take it.

I still can't eat alone in restaurants to this day. It's the same thing that comes back...you feel they are looking at you. You quietly listen to their conversations wishing that you could be a part of them or despising the people. THINK about the people that were sitting in the next table from you. It was so obvious that you could hear everything they were saying. But the whole mentality was "Let's pretend this guy does not even exist." Well thats a real fun exercise to be a part of at 15 years old. Ignored by 300+ people.

I wasn't very popular and so all you could hope for was some geeky older student to take pity on you and keep you company for dinner. Even though you hated what they had to say and it had no relevance to your situation, at least you had company.

I probably clocked in at least 3-4 months of isolation amongst all my table restrictions.

Today is Friday...I have the rest of my life (Thank God) But FUCK YOU CEDU - FUCK YOU for bringing this all back and keeping me hostage to your pathetic mind altering bullshit that hauntsme 20 years later.

[try another castle]

I feel you, dude. I was scared to post on fornits at first, out of fear of someone I knew from there finding out who I was, then when I started posting, I was hooked for a while, even though I felt I had processed all of this shit already. Then I dropped off for a while, and then I came back, coincidentally around the time I was considering starting to look for a boyfriend or girlfriend. Intimacy issues, anyone?

I certainly never logged as much isolation time as you did, but I was on a full time in Voyaeurs (some days nobody would even visit my booth), and a work detail in challenge which resulted in me being sent back through the truth propheet again. (With blownaway's peer group, coincidentally enough.)

I was also tormented, lonely, unpopular as all hell, in addition to going into the place with attachment issues already, which smooshing sure as fuck didn't help. I got called clingy. Did my need for affection indicate my consent for forced intimacy and love-bombing? no. RMA exploited that. Twisted what I thought was normal. Erased my boundaries. It's no wonder so many of us have issues with social skills. I can't have sex without dissociating. So fuck you, too CEDU. Fuck you for making it so difficult for me to fuck.

Thank god I have the number to a good sex therapist.

I should send the bill to Idaho.

Apologies if this makes no sense. I'm a bit sleep-deprived.

[sick of child torture girl]

thanks for your post,,,you know I read all the forums on fornits...but this one as since I am contected to it..its too painful. God can you beleive what went on...by the way does anyone know how they got away with it so long?
donations?
what?

[Oz girl]

This is a question I am hesitant to ask because I dont want to offend of upset anyone, but it is not uncommon to hear of posters who have been through these schools claim that they are afraid or nervous to post on forums like this for the first time.
Why? Is it  that you fear judgement of some sort because you did not have a good experience, or is it just that it is a part of your life you put behind you?

[Anonymous]

- Fear of being attacked.
- Look goods coming on here and being like "You need to get over it, Cedu was great."
- I was treated like a loser while there by staff and look goods. Validating how they treated me by posting 20 years later.
-Once you start posting, it becomes hard to stop.
- Once you start reading through here, it all starts coming back.

[Antigen]

I don't know how many people think of this beforehand, but here's something I've run into a number of times. One way of coping w/ messed up events is to tone them down or explain them to yourself someway so that you can live with the memory. I have a harder time with this with my own family than other program vets, but I'm guessing a lot of people have run into this. 20 odd years ago, my brother and his wife first took me into their home and rescued me from going back to the Program and then, around my 18th birthday, calmly, gently told me I had to go. They didn't explain much about why I had to go, except that they said they needed time alone with my nephew in their home as a family. I accepted that and filled in the rest. For years, I just assumed that my mother was pressuring them, as she had a tendency to do, and I could understand that.

Years later, I was talkign to my brother again briefely. And I asked him what was going on in the background. He told me that, basically, they kicked me out because I wasn't following the program. I was LIVID! More than that, hurt, rejected, abandoned.... banished all over again. From his point of view, I was being unreasonably hostile and emotional about something that happened so long ago. But see, nothing else has happened in the mean time between us. I've been pretty much completely estranged, there never was any healing or reconnecting.

This happens each and every time I try to get back into the family. Not that they're trying to mess with me, they're not. Just that their view of me, of our circumstances and how things have unfolded is very, very different from mine. Every time I try to deal with them for any reason it comes up. Last time I saw my brothers and sisters, I wound up angry and crying, and that made everybody laugh real hard, even my mom. He told me he didn't have to put up with my craziness and banished me from his house, which is where they have their yearly family reunions.

I love them, I miss them, I miss being a part of a big family. But I haven't been a full member since I was about 6 or so and, yes, I'm scared shitless of the whole lot of them!

[try another castle]

Ginger, I seriously don't even know what to fucking say to that. That's how fucked up that is.

[Anonymous]

Ginger --- I have read this forum on and off for a couple of years. Of course, I can always relate to someone because of my own experiences at RMA... but, I have never related more than to the description of what goes on in your family. That is my story!! I, too, have a big family. And I am more than just the "black sheep" -- more of an outcast. I can never do anything right in the minds. I am rarely invited to family functions. Even MY kids are frowned upon, while their cousins are spoiled and pampered. It's a huge issue for me right now and no one seems to get it!!

Castle --- I wish I had done things differenty with you when we were at RMA together, but I was so fucked up. Trying to figure it all out. I was bad at being an "older student". And I have some regrets with other students - you being one of them. Minh being another. Tirzah being another. I have a list.... 5 or 6 kids. Anyway -- I am sorry about the isolation you felt. Really....

[mbnh31782]

pardon... but what exactly is "table restriction" and what were the "levels"?  you mentioned lower level  etc... was table restriction like detention where you had to eat in silence?  or what?

[Anonymous]

You sit at a table all day and don't get up until you go to sleep. Sometimes people visit your table to lambaste you, but other than that, you sit there for days on end.

[try another castle]

Ginger --- I have read this forum on and off for a couple of years. Of course, I can always relate to someone because of my own experiences at RMA... but, I have never related more than to the description of what goes on in your family. That is my story!! I, too, have a big family. And I am more than just the "black sheep" -- more of an outcast. I can never do anything right in the minds. I am rarely invited to family functions. Even MY kids are frowned upon, while their cousins are spoiled and pampered. It's a huge issue for me right now and no one seems to get it!!

Castle --- I wish I had done things differenty with you when we were at RMA together, but I was so fucked up. Trying to figure it all out. I was bad at being an "older student". And I have some regrets with other students - you being one of them. Minh being another. Tirzah being another. I have a list.... 5 or 6 kids. Anyway -- I am sorry about the isolation you felt. Really....

Oh, hon, we all did things we regretted. And if you are who I think you are, I never had a bad thought about you in my mind, ever. So it's all good, man!

Feeling disconnect from family, then compounding that with RMA, is certainly going to mess with your issues regarding emotional connections with people. I don't think you would have been able to handle yourself any differently, even if you wanted to.

Besides, I was a lousy older student! Oh good lord, I was horrible to Ginger, my little sister. I didn't want her when she was assigned to me. How fucked up is that?

She ended up in provo after I left. I got a letter from her, that I still have, and you know what she said? She said that provo canyon was SO much better than RMA. Reading that today kind of gives me chills. I never responded to  her letter, even though I wanted to, because I was going through such a bad depression at the time, I kind of ended up not talking to anyone.


As for families... I found out something recently that  was both angering and validating. I had that argument with my stepfather and mother a few months ago about CEDU, and they gave the overall impression that I most certainly should have been sent away. Then I'm talking with my aunt over break about these kinds of places, and about RMA, and she says "Your mother said she never should have sent you there. She said it didn't do anything to help." I was shocked. I was initially happy that she realized that it was a bad place, but then I got angry, because I was like "Why the FUCK didn't she tell me this?" God forbid should a parent admit a mistake to their son or daughter. But you know what? It's all good.

I DO have a hard time connecting with my family, and I am certainly the "weird relative". But I'm lucky in that they care about me a lot. It's just that on my end, there isn't this emotional connection. My good friend from college feels the same way about her family, and she postulates that it is because we are both adopted.

[sick of child torture girl]

Id suspect in your case its cause you got sent away I also dont have that emotional connection to my parents

all those adopted kids getting sent away by their parents....you know, a kid isnt rental.

thanks for posting guys I actually cant read any of this stuff now as it makes me too upset..but I am happy you are getting all this info out

It needs to exist, there needs to be a record, this evil and the lives it claimed cannot be allowed to just dissapear into the air

[Anonymous]

pardon... but what exactly is "table restriction" and what were the "levels"?  you mentioned lower level  etc... was table restriction like detention where you had to eat in silence?  or what?

Lower level, middle level, and upper level actually refer to the table restriction areas you were confined to at CeduRS. The Cafeteria had 3 different levels for you to be confined in.

I might add though, table restriction meant being confined to a table for weeks on end and having to do manual labor. Sometimes manual labor that actually had a purpose, (Like I built a retaining wall) or they also had me do stupid stuff. Dig a hole and see how you dig a whole in your life. Now fill it up after 5 days of digging.)
Hauling rocks up the Microwave hill - an incline at about 60-70% - was one of the worst.

You were not allowed to smile, laugh, touch, be touched, or talk with anyone in the school with the exception of maybe 10-20 students. Other studentsin the school HAD t pretend as if you did not exist. In essence - totally shunning you. And they did a great job of it too!

It was not a fun way to spend your time at age 15...

[try another castle]

pardon... but what exactly is "table restriction" and what were the "levels"?  you mentioned lower level  etc... was table restriction like detention where you had to eat in silence?  or what?

Lower level, middle level, and upper level actually refer to the table restriction areas you were confined to at CeduRS. The Cafeteria had 3 different levels for you to be confined in.

I might add though, table restriction meant being confined to a table for weeks on end and having to do manual labor. Sometimes manual labor that actually had a purpose, (Like I built a retaining wall) or they also had me do stupid stuff. Dig a hole and see how you dig a whole in your life. Now fill it up after 5 days of digging.)
Hauling rocks up the Microwave hill - an incline at about 60-70% - was one of the worst.

You were not allowed to smile, laugh, touch, be touched, or talk with anyone in the school with the exception of maybe 10-20 students. Other studentsin the school HAD t pretend as if you did not exist. In essence - totally shunning you. And they did a great job of it too!

It was not a fun way to spend your time at age 15...

Yeah, that sounds just like a full-time.

[dniceo7]

Yup, pretty much sums up the full time experience. I always thought it was cool how they'd pull you out of classes for a week, sometimes 2, at a time when you were on a full time, so that you could spend ALL day instead of most of the day on work assignments. Often it was done during a key part of the curriculum and when you finally made it back to class, they said not to worry about the stuff you missed...your emotional growth was far more important.

Interesting point about people shunning you. I can't count how many times I got on a full time and my brainwashed "friends" felt obliged to pretend I didn't exist. Maybe it was because of all the snitches crawling about, or maybe they really were sold on the benefits of completely ignoring a friend for a couple weeks or so, but it always killed me when they'd respect bans late at night in the dorms and such.

Always had to love finally sneaking in a word with a friend you've been on bans with for weeks, and some asshole (fellow student) screams from across the caf or the house or something...."STOP BREAKING BANS!!"