On 2005-12-10 13:03:00, Anonymous wrote:
"Been to the ?record room?, huh? I guess we all have to deal with who we are, and what we have done in our lives. I?m no saint, but I don?t have the fear and dread you describe. Did once, it came from all the self-effacing humbling preaching, but I decided it is more important, and MUCH better for my mental health to forgive myself for being human and remember we create each moment. We touch others daily. Life is a dynamic thing and we touch people in tiny ways we may not even remember that can effect major decisions someone else makes. We were not given the power to see the effects of our actions directly in most cases. I believe in just living my life honestly.
I mean, what is all this 'sin' business? Guess I am really a far cry from the girl who left the Rebekah home. But I?m tired of someone else defining 'sin' for me. I am an honest, decent person who makes mistakes. I refuse to shiver in my panties worrying about what judgment God is going to dole out to me for thinking for myself. I don?t try to ?lead people to the Lord? (although I?m not condemning that) but to show Creator?s love. A lot of people, like myself, have been hurt badly by people who claim to be ?Christians? and then show anything BUT Christ love.
In my disgust, I?ve let religion go. Ask me if I?m saved and I?ll say, whatever jargon you want to call it does not matter to me. What matters is not someone saying the right words, but what is in the heart. If you had an auto accident, for instance and someone was killed, that seems to fall into the shit happens category. Don?t understand why so many bad things happen to people. Just know that this world does not make sense and it is best to trust that there is an intelligent, loving source who will make sense of it all in the end.
In my humble opinion, I don?t see that it would matter much if we COULD clone Jesus (or Einstein or Hitler). All you would get is genetic make-up that would trace his physical heritage. It seems to me, all our bodies are is a vehicle for the spirit anyway. Some people have intelligence, musical ability, etc, but what really defines someone is not as much the vehicle we enter the world in, but what we do with it. We can develop our bodies and our talents, but it takes spirit and will to do so.
My conscience does not exist to beat me into submission, but to operate like an internal compass that keeps me heading pretty much in the right direction. And if I wander a little, no big deal...we are all human. Even the planets wander a little in their orbits. The tsunami made the earth wander a bit on it?s axis.
The important thing is be on track. What is 'on track'? I think each person must define that for themselves. We were given brains, intuition and spirit that can guide each of us. If I screw up really bad, I might feel the need to make some reparation of some sort, or may have to suffer some consequences but God is still in control. If I wake up in the morning alive, there must be a reason I?ve been given another day to live. God is REALLY big. I don't think we mere mortals could even grasp how big.
I love science. Science is man's search for Truth. If a scientific FACT goes against something I believe in, something needs revising, and it is sometimes my belief system. Spiritual growth comes from all kinds of sources. Other times, the science is flawed and it gets revised eventually. The whole evolution vs. creation argument seems silly to me, because in the end we ARE here, it IS a miracle, and however it happened is really not the point. Some day people may understand the details of how we got here, but it won?t take away the miracle of it all.
I don?t think feeling guilty does anything positive for you unless you are doing something you need to change. Personally, it upsets me to see how much guilt has been doled out by pastors and priests. If I?m gonna feel guilty, by damn it is going to be for something I did, not for BEING who I am. I choose to live my life with eyes as open as possible, love myself, others and my Creator as much as possible, then get up the next day and try to do it better learning each day.
"
I think sometimes we are harder on ourselves than other people, or at least I am. I expect much more from me then even other people do. At times I even over do, guilty for never leaving well enough alone. Everything must have a place, I like all the pieces to fit, and if they don't? Then I must find out what went wrong. I have the overwhelming urge to take it all apart and put it back togather until it works, On top of that I seem to be my own worst enemy. Forgiving my self has never come easy for me. Forgiving other people piece of cake. I love and trust most people whole hearted so if they hurt me it runs deep. I jump into things with all fours be it good or bad. It is all the way or nothing with me. Nothing is Black and white for me, There is always room for change there is always another color to try or another direction to take. And if at the end of that road I discover something grate I will go get everyone I love to share it. Wining the lotto would do me no good because I would probably give it all away. I have never been a selfish person. I am an open book, Yet few really read me or know me.
A lot of people will skim over the pages, But no has ever took the time to do nothing more than scratch the surface. Some view me as a algebra book-I am much to complicated to learn.
And way too much trouble.
I believe as you do, that we do create each moment in our life's, I also believe we can be blindsided by the moments others take from our life's. Unfortunately are not refundable. As for the moments we give- priceless! I believe everything we do effects the people around us love them or not even strangers. Living life honestly is a good thing but not always an easy thing. Most truths are somethings people flat refuse to see. They don't want to know the complicated versions of ones life. It is to painful or they don't care or they simply love you to much to know truths.
They want an easy button. Rose colored glasses.
I respect you for the girl who left Rebekah and what seems to me- did not let it drown you and have risen above. I think it is awesome that you are a capable person who thinks for them self, acknowledges that you have flaws takes responsibility for them and still feel proud at the end of the day that you did your very best.
Most people can not be in the same room with themselves because they don't like themselves. Thing is the more they don't like themselves the more they blame everyone else for thier misery.
Of course misery loves company, So they recruit others misery. Still miserable but now not alone.
I understand what you mean when you say it is hard to trust people claiming to be "Christians". It is hard for me to. Some of the meanest cruelest people I ever meet where calming to be Christians! It is too bad there is not another name for them! All though what comes to my mind is hypocrite, In the worst sense of the word.
I think religion falls in the same category as republican or democrat "They are all lie-rs"! I find comfort in your words" What matters is not someone saying the right words, but what is in the heart. Don?t understand why so many bad things happen to people. Just know that this world does not make sense and it is best to trust that there is an intelligent, loving source who will make sense of it all in the end."
I understand what you are saying, When you say if someone dies in an auto accident "Shit Happens" I take it to meaning it was an accident and I should let it go. I should, I know...I think when bad things happen we all tell ourselves- What if I would have done this or that? There has been a lot of what ifs in my life. I am sure there is a lot of things we would have all done differently if we could have had a second chance. I know I would have.
Gwd I wish it was as simple as that. We are all held accountable for our actions. Unfortunately
our actions not only hurt us but effect others also. Which has been the hardest part for me.
He had a mother and dad brother and sister and friends and I fifteen year old girl who was pregnant by him, so probably a child to that I am held accountable for hurting. And there just are no words for what it has felt like to face them. I have found it debilitating and has crippled not only me but them for life.
My biggest regret is that I wish it would of been him taking my life instead me taking his.
Even though it was a accident, It doesn't change that it still happened. His last words to me where that he knew I did not mean to do it. I still don't feel that lets me off the hook.
I believe he took my little girls life Yet I still can not muster up the strength to forgive myself. It feels like a bad bad dream. It is still hard to believe it happened. He was my first love. I never thought or could imagine this would or could happen. I have had it for breakfast lunch and super since I was 21. Remorse dose not even come close to the regret I feel. My conscience dose beat be into submission. It is like a monster under my bed.
No body sees it but me. As for my internal compass I trust it with all my might. It is the only thing left that no one could take from me.
I must trust myself in that I am headed in the right direction. And as I get older I have found it to be quite handy. My instincts are usually right on. I listen and pay attention to them.
Didn't when I was young. Do Now.
I also believe it is important to stay on track. But every now and again I run out of power steering fluid, If you know what I mean, I can still stear but it is hard to hold the wheel.
Like you said God is in control and when I can't hold on the wheel he has always taken it and gave me a safe place to fall. He has carried me through a lot. He is all that I trust. As for everyone else I would be lying if I said I did not sleep with one eye open, I do. Most times when people think you are sleeping reveal their true self's. I have learned a lot from leaving one eye open. I think we have all danced with someone who has stepped on our toes and if they ask us to dance again we know that they are again going to step on our toes but we still let them.
I am true at heart and believe that most things are not intentional, However happen still the same.
I will take your advise that nothing positive can come out of feeling guilty.Well other than learning from it of course. But is good advise Thank-You. You are a good writer friend. But you know what makes a grate writer is a grate listener. Thank-You again for taking the time to listen without judging. I do not know you but will remember the stranger that took the time to hear me really hear me and offer good advise.
You have a wonderful out look on life and are inspiring. I am better for meeting you even if just once.
