I Have A Troubled Son. What should I do?

[Ganja]

Can I give you my address so you can have him mail me some 'shrooms?

[Anonymous]

We've exchanged PMs but I decided to put my reply to him in public to warn all the other parents. Since he's apparently chosen day treatment over a lockdown hellhole, most of this may not apply, but I figure I'll throw it out there anyway...

The entire concept on which this industry is built- the idea that you can somehow pay someone to "fix" your kid- is wrong. Imagine for a moment that someone you didn't like and didn't trust went and paid someone else thousands of dollars to "fix" you.

Even if you truly believe you are doing this out of love, he will probably never believe you.

In fact, if he is changed, he may spend time intentionally changing himself back simply out of spite. Imagine for a moment that instead of dealing with a kid who is no longer acting out of peer pressure or extended youthful lack of foresight, but instead out of raw contempt? Consider for a moment that the most popular topic on the Straight, Inc. board is the "I just" (did a whole lot of drugs) thread. These are people who were in Straight twenty-five years ago. They still have the same amount of rebellious hate, only now it's crystallized. There's one man who will only listen to heavy metal made before his "intake day".

And aren't you at least going to warn him, or at least let someone else warn him, before you do something this extreme? Doesn't he have the right to know what the hell he's being thrown into? Do you have any idea what these people run on and what they do? Browse the other forums for a while, especially the CEDU one.

Search the forums for posts made by "Exhausted", a woman who was in a similar situation with her violent teenage boys.

By the way, the name of the particular program means little. These guys change names more often than they change underwear. You don't have to believe me- ask around, especially *after* you've found the program in question, and you'll see Fornits members eagerly pointing out where all the program heads used to work, and what the facility used to be called. You're getting ready to pay thousands of dollars and your son's life- you can at least find out exactly what the hell you're buying first.

By the way, I'm called Milk Gargling Death Penalty for a reason...

[TheWho]

The entire concept on which this industry is built- the idea that you can somehow pay someone to "fix" your kid- is wrong. Imagine for a moment that someone you didn't like and didn't trust went and paid someone else thousands of dollars to "fix" you.

I see it a little differently?.. its not about fixing but trying to give the child an opportunity to grow or helping them to get back on track.

If I were acting out of my element and causing myself harm, gambling my money away, having the police at my house 3 times a week for various reasons, waking up in hospitals, I would hope the people around me that love me would take over and get me help.  They couldn?t force me to change but they could get me to a safe place where I was protected from myself and give me an opportunity to get back on track, if all the local options failed to work I would hope they would make some decisions for me to keep me safe else where.
This is what some TBS?s do?.they provide a safe place for your child so that they can grow without the influences of whatever bad element was causing them to become ?At Risk? in their old environment.

There are many places with poor track records so one needs to do their homework.

[Ganja]

I see it a little differently?.. its not about fixing but trying to give the child an opportunity to grow or helping them to get back on track.

Semantics; same thing, really.

[Troll Control]

This is a real situation. And it's more like a 7 day place. I couldn't even get him in there until I mentioned "suicide." I don't think he is really suicidal, but he did mention it.

I know how to Google. That's how I found this website and a few others. I started researching TBS's when a co-worker of a relative suggested a certain "school." In researching it I learned about the horrors of some TBS's. The school suggested to me turned out to be a former WWASP school in Ga.

I get the impression that this is a site for people who had horrible experiences at horrible TBS's. I figured that if there is any dirt on the program in Hendersonville, NC, I could find it here. After I posted, I searched the site and found an article about a death at an Eckerd program in Florida.

Does anyone have a positive suggestion about my son's situation? My son gets out of the very short-term program today or tomorrow.

Thanks.

Sorry if i seem negative to you.  There are many people who come onto this site pretending to be parents, often asking questions that seem silly to most that have been around here a while.

I can't emphasize enough how unsafe this industry is.  As far a suggestions for help?  I am not a mental health professional (and neither are educational consultants, or most that work at these programs).

I suggest you ask a therapist what his advice is.  If he suggests a TBS, point him to this site, and we will point him to the ASTART to get a clue.

If you want my advice?  Imagine you couldn't afford a TBS and go from there.  Exhausted, who posts on this site, could probably also offer some advice.  She is a parent who had similar issues with her kids and learned to work them out on her own.

Your son is depressed, and has issues of his own, a TBS won't fix that, it will temporarily "fix" the behavior, (which will most likely return to normal once he leaves).  At that point.  He will also hate you.  Ask yourself: is he the forgiving type?  The underlying issues will still be there, and only introspection and/or therapy can help that.

My advice on what to do:  See how he acts when he gets home.

What to do if he acts out?  Ask a mental health professional.  Functional Family Therapy can do a lot for these situations as well.

Hey Pops,

Listen, you've gotten some good advice here.  Definitely stay away from 'programs' that take your kid out of your home.  They don't work, are expensive and carry a very high risk of physical and psychological harm - we're talking long-term, hard to deal with, life-altering consequences here.

You got good advise about FFT.  FFT in conjunction with a day treatment program sounds like the ticket for your boy.  Look into it.  Find a licensed therapist who specializes in FFT and get him into day treatment to keep him safe.

BTW, I am a former licensed therapist who has worked with dozens of 'TBS' kids to try to undo some of the massive damage they incurred at the hands of uneducated, unlicensed quacks at the conformity factories you like to call 'TBS.'

Any questions you have can be asked here or directed to me by PM.

Good luck.  It's not nearly as bad as it seems and there are effective research-proven modalities to help your boy.  

STAY AWAY FROM 'WT,' 'EG,' 'TBS' - THEY HAVE BEEN PROVEN INEFFECTIVE AT EVERYTHING OTHER THAN EXACERBATING EXISTING PROBLEMS.

Thanks. He gets out of the inpatient stay today (after 7 days). The Dr suggested he now attend a day treatment program at the facility (9 - 4pm). We will go with that and then follow-up with family therapy. No private school will take him in the middle of the year, so I guess he will have to go back to his public school, unfortunately. That will make this very difficult.

I never want to send him away from home unless he can get real therapy at a real program and it's the only way to keep him out of trouble. He's my responsibility and I love him. I will fight for him (and against him if necessary) to get him the help he needs and try to set him in the right direction.

Pops,

Funny, ain't it, that the licensed professionals seem to come up with the same answers.  

Follow the direction of your kid's therapist and get him into day treatment.  Also, ask his therapist if he is or knows someone who is versed in Functional Family Therapy.  This will do you a lot of good.

FFT focuses on the relationship between family members and does not rely on some sort of diagnosis, but rather learning to live with one another in harmony by improving parenting skills and communication.  This sounds just about right for you and your boy who seems not to suffer from any sort of mental illness - he's just running a little too fast for a kid his age.  

You and he seem to have an adversarial relationship and I suppose you already see where that gets you (As Deborah has said before - If your only tool is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail).  FFT will help this adversarial relationship to become more supportive.

You will both need to do work on this issue, but, in my experience, your boy will respect you for trying to find a better way to communicate with him and that will lead to other gains as well.

Good luck.  Work hard.  Keep your boy at home where he should be...

[Troll Control]

Pops, one last thing.  There are distinct benefits offered by the TBS industry.  

I'm not suggesting to send him to one of their facilities, but you can tell him that you are "looking into it" as a "last resort" and direct him to this site to read up on what goes on in the programs - this will likely get you some leverage when he sees how dire you think his situation is.

And, if I don't hear from you again and you are still considering a  ::bangin::  ::puke:: 'TBS' please reference ISACCORP.org for further details.  If you have questions you feel haven't been adequately addressed here, I suggest you contact ISAC's founder, Shelby Earnshaw directly with any questions you may have.

Again, good luck and keep us posted on your progress!

[Anonymous]

Is it possible for you to homeschool the chap for the rest of the year?  Public and private and rtc are not the only three option here.  At least until summer, he would not get behind if you are able to think outside the box and homeschool.  Just saying.

[Anonymous]

I see it a little differently?.. its not about fixing but trying to give the child an opportunity to grow or helping them to get back on track.

Semantics; same thing, really.

no it is not the same thing, but you'll never get it either

[Ganja]

It amounts to the same thing concerning a TBS, my astute negroid.

[Ganja]

(But the point is that a TBS does neither.)

[Anonymous]

Is it possible for you to homeschool the chap for the rest of the year?  Public and private and rtc are not the only three option here.  At least until summer, he would not get behind if you are able to think outside the box and homeschool.  Just saying.

Home school could work wonders for the whole family.  Even if they sacrifice and do it for just this semester.

[Anonymous]

In some families that would be worse than a program!!!

[Anonymous]

In some families that would be worse than a program!!!

Yeah, like mine...

[Anonymous]

:rofl:  :rofl:

:skull:  :skull:

RIP Anna Nicole Smith 1967-2007

We will all miss you!

[Anonymous]

Now that's someone who should have been involved in the teen escort business.