I Have A Troubled Son. What should I do?

[Dad Trying]

Dad Trying, I asked earlier:  Do you have a repsonsible relative or trusted friend that your son could live with on a temporary basis---since you feel that some of his out-of-control behaviors are a result of his new peer group?

This might offer a chance for a new school setting, as discussed by PUNK70, which seemed to work for his son.

Also: this might offer a chance for all of the family to get involved in family therapy, so things could be worked out--which seems to be what you want for your son.

Good luck.

No, not in a different school district.

[Anonymous]

This DAD is a troll.
He refuses to answer any questions that relate alternatives for his son.

[Dad Trying]

It just occurred to me that your son wants to work but at 15 is having a hard time finding work. Do what my Dad did. Hire him yourself. Got a garage or basement that needs cleaning? How about a car that needs washing?

When I was moping around the house at 14, my Dad offered 50 bucks to clean out his garage. He informed me I could split this with any kids I got to help (a suggestion). I found a friend and we each got 25 bucks for an afternoon of work that kept us busy and out of trouble. My Dad even made and brought us lunch (no charge).

The next job he gave me was to paint the same garage.

Done that. I let him work in my office. He worked about 3 hours and said he didn't want to work there. Also, last summer I offered him $100 to do some yard work. He did about half and stopped. His mom had to go help him finish. He got $80 instead of $100 because he didn't finish it by himself.

[Dad Trying]

Thank you to all who offered suggestions. I didn't find a good TBS, but you gave me a lot to mull over.

Goodbye

[Nihilanthic]

There are no good TBSs. The concept of a TBS as they exist now, isolation/brainwashing based humiliation and coercion/conformity camps are intrinsically wrong.

Its basically high-risk outsourced torture. Why bother? For the money one of them costs you could get actual therapy or go on an adventure...

[psy]

So the message you send back is: "You will do what I want or I will punch you until you do."

No, the message is-- if you attack someone, expect them to defend themselves, and you may get the worst of it.

I always stop when he stops.

god i wish i could sleep... i hate insomnia.

I see where you and TSW are coming from.  However: here is my suggestion: if you cannot subdue him without hurting him, and he continues to try it...  do this:  drop your guard.  do not defend yourself.  Let him punch you.  Let him see the damage he inflicts.  Let him see his father with a bloody nose that he was responsible for.

Trust me on this.  Try it next time.

You have a right to defend yourself... and you have a right to choose not to as well... but why would you want to do that:  more than likely, he will look at what he has done and say "my god... what have i done"... maybe then he will realize that he should get help... and ironically, by his own hand.

[Troll Control]

This is a real situation. And it's more like a 7 day place. I couldn't even get him in there until I mentioned "suicide." I don't think he is really suicidal, but he did mention it.

I know how to Google. That's how I found this website and a few others. I started researching TBS's when a co-worker of a relative suggested a certain "school." In researching it I learned about the horrors of some TBS's. The school suggested to me turned out to be a former WWASP school in Ga.

I get the impression that this is a site for people who had horrible experiences at horrible TBS's. I figured that if there is any dirt on the program in Hendersonville, NC, I could find it here. After I posted, I searched the site and found an article about a death at an Eckerd program in Florida.

Does anyone have a positive suggestion about my son's situation? My son gets out of the very short-term program today or tomorrow.

Thanks.

Sorry if i seem negative to you.  There are many people who come onto this site pretending to be parents, often asking questions that seem silly to most that have been around here a while.

I can't emphasize enough how unsafe this industry is.  As far a suggestions for help?  I am not a mental health professional (and neither are educational consultants, or most that work at these programs).

I suggest you ask a therapist what his advice is.  If he suggests a TBS, point him to this site, and we will point him to the ASTART to get a clue.

If you want my advice?  Imagine you couldn't afford a TBS and go from there.  Exhausted, who posts on this site, could probably also offer some advice.  She is a parent who had similar issues with her kids and learned to work them out on her own.

Your son is depressed, and has issues of his own, a TBS won't fix that, it will temporarily "fix" the behavior, (which will most likely return to normal once he leaves).  At that point.  He will also hate you.  Ask yourself: is he the forgiving type?  The underlying issues will still be there, and only introspection and/or therapy can help that.

My advice on what to do:  See how he acts when he gets home.

What to do if he acts out?  Ask a mental health professional.  Functional Family Therapy can do a lot for these situations as well.

Hey Pops,

Listen, you've gotten some good advice here.  Definitely stay away from 'programs' that take your kid out of your home.  They don't work, are expensive and carry a very high risk of physical and psychological harm - we're talking long-term, hard to deal with, life-altering consequences here.

You got good advise about FFT.  FFT in conjunction with a day treatment program sounds like the ticket for your boy.  Look into it.  Find a licensed therapist who specializes in FFT and get him into day treatment to keep him safe.

BTW, I am a former licensed therapist who has worked with dozens of 'TBS' kids to try to undo some of the massive damage they incurred at the hands of uneducated, unlicensed quacks at the conformity factories you like to call 'TBS.'

Any questions you have can be asked here or directed to me by PM.

Good luck.  It's not nearly as bad as it seems and there are effective research-proven modalities to help your boy.  

STAY AWAY FROM 'WT,' 'EG,' 'TBS' - THEY HAVE BEEN PROVEN INEFFECTIVE AT EVERYTHING OTHER THAN EXACERBATING EXISTING PROBLEMS.

[AtomicAnt]

I still think the best thing Trying Dad can do is try to change his relationship from adversary to ally. Until that happens, the boy is not going to listen or cooperate. That's easier said than done, to be sure.

[Anonymous]

But, I was headed in the wrong direction at the age of 12.

'm not sipping the kool-aid, I am not programmed,

You are, and just don't realize it.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but this discussion is bordering on absurd.

Not bordering, it's already completely absurd. And I am only on page 4 so far!

[Anonymous]

This DAD is a troll.
He refuses to answer any questions that relate alternatives for his son.

I think that's obvious and was established back on page 1 of this thread. But it doesn't matter, the posters in a fight will use it to argue amongst themselves, and debate how to properly restrain your kid properly. Glad to see TSW bringing some logic and patience to this thread!

[Karass]

This ain't the 70s Deborah, when getting busted was no big deal. In these days of Zero Tolerance, the justice system should be avoided like the plague. Anyone who says a parent should call the cops for anything less than a life-or-death emergency should have their head examined.

I agree, and didn't suggest that, in case there's a misunderstanding.
The laws in Tx are:
Possession of Marijuana - Texas Health and Safety Code
§ 481.121. OFFENSE: POSSESSION OF MARIHUANA. (MARIJUANA)

(a) Except as authorized by this chapter, a person commits an offense if the person knowingly or intentionally possesses a usable quantity of marihuana.

(b) An offense under Subsection (a) is:                                      

(1) a Class B misdemeanor if the amount of marihuana possessed is two ounces or less;

(2) a Class A misdemeanor if the amount of marihuana possessed is four ounces or less but more than two ounces;

(3) a state jail felony if the amount of marihuana possessed is five pounds or less but more than four ounces;

(4) a felony of the third degree if the amount of marihuana possessed is 50 pounds or less but more than 5 pounds;

(5) a felony of the second degree if the amount of marihuana possessed is 2,000 pounds or less but more than 50 pounds; and

(6) punishable by imprisonment in the institutional division of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice for life or for a term of not more than 99 years or less than 5 years, and a fine not to exceed $50,000, if the amount of marihuana possessed is more than 2,000 pounds.  
~~

I might get some flack for this comment from the Scared Straight folks, but it might be useful to sit in on juvenile court for a week or two and educate him on the realities of the system. And take a few visits to juvie. It could be very useful if done with the right attitude, and not with the intention of scaring him, but educating. If your kid is prone to breaking the law, seems the responsible thing to do. I mean, how many kids actually understand what a felony is, or what probation entails? Not much of a deterent unless those things are understood.

If by some bizarre chance "Dad Trying" ever comes back, I just wanted to suggest to him that he and his son both check out the NORML website and get educated about the laws in their state. Many states make a special category for possession within X feet of a school zone, and that can be a felony charge even in states where possession of small quantities is otherwise a misdemeanor.

Brilliant fucking laws...bust a high school kid with pot in his possession on campus and charge him with a serious crime. Oh BTW, while he's on campus, any school official can search his car and/or his person & possessions -- and they don't need probable cause or any excuse at all. When they find illegal substances, the on-campus cop is close at hand to make the arrest. To hell with constitutional rights -- they don't apply to school kids on campus.

We're pretty close to the point where just being a teenager is a criminal offense.

[Ganja]

But, I was headed in the wrong direction at the age of 12.

'm not sipping the kool-aid, I am not programmed,

You are, and just don't realize it.

[Dad Trying]

This is a real situation. And it's more like a 7 day place. I couldn't even get him in there until I mentioned "suicide." I don't think he is really suicidal, but he did mention it.

I know how to Google. That's how I found this website and a few others. I started researching TBS's when a co-worker of a relative suggested a certain "school." In researching it I learned about the horrors of some TBS's. The school suggested to me turned out to be a former WWASP school in Ga.

I get the impression that this is a site for people who had horrible experiences at horrible TBS's. I figured that if there is any dirt on the program in Hendersonville, NC, I could find it here. After I posted, I searched the site and found an article about a death at an Eckerd program in Florida.

Does anyone have a positive suggestion about my son's situation? My son gets out of the very short-term program today or tomorrow.

Thanks.

Sorry if i seem negative to you.  There are many people who come onto this site pretending to be parents, often asking questions that seem silly to most that have been around here a while.

I can't emphasize enough how unsafe this industry is.  As far a suggestions for help?  I am not a mental health professional (and neither are educational consultants, or most that work at these programs).

I suggest you ask a therapist what his advice is.  If he suggests a TBS, point him to this site, and we will point him to the ASTART to get a clue.

If you want my advice?  Imagine you couldn't afford a TBS and go from there.  Exhausted, who posts on this site, could probably also offer some advice.  She is a parent who had similar issues with her kids and learned to work them out on her own.

Your son is depressed, and has issues of his own, a TBS won't fix that, it will temporarily "fix" the behavior, (which will most likely return to normal once he leaves).  At that point.  He will also hate you.  Ask yourself: is he the forgiving type?  The underlying issues will still be there, and only introspection and/or therapy can help that.

My advice on what to do:  See how he acts when he gets home.

What to do if he acts out?  Ask a mental health professional.  Functional Family Therapy can do a lot for these situations as well.

Hey Pops,

Listen, you've gotten some good advice here.  Definitely stay away from 'programs' that take your kid out of your home.  They don't work, are expensive and carry a very high risk of physical and psychological harm - we're talking long-term, hard to deal with, life-altering consequences here.

You got good advise about FFT.  FFT in conjunction with a day treatment program sounds like the ticket for your boy.  Look into it.  Find a licensed therapist who specializes in FFT and get him into day treatment to keep him safe.

BTW, I am a former licensed therapist who has worked with dozens of 'TBS' kids to try to undo some of the massive damage they incurred at the hands of uneducated, unlicensed quacks at the conformity factories you like to call 'TBS.'

Any questions you have can be asked here or directed to me by PM.

Good luck.  It's not nearly as bad as it seems and there are effective research-proven modalities to help your boy.  

STAY AWAY FROM 'WT,' 'EG,' 'TBS' - THEY HAVE BEEN PROVEN INEFFECTIVE AT EVERYTHING OTHER THAN EXACERBATING EXISTING PROBLEMS.

Thanks. He gets out of the inpatient stay today (after 7 days). The Dr suggested he now attend a day treatment program at the facility (9 - 4pm). We will go with that and then follow-up with family therapy. No private school will take him in the middle of the year, so I guess he will have to go back to his public school, unfortunately. That will make this very difficult.

I never want to send him away from home unless he can get real therapy at a real program and it's the only way to keep him out of trouble. He's my responsibility and I love him. I will fight for him (and against him if necessary) to get him the help he needs and try to set him in the right direction.

[Dad Trying]

This ain't the 70s Deborah, when getting busted was no big deal. In these days of Zero Tolerance, the justice system should be avoided like the plague. Anyone who says a parent should call the cops for anything less than a life-or-death emergency should have their head examined.

I agree, and didn't suggest that, in case there's a misunderstanding.
The laws in Tx are:
Possession of Marijuana - Texas Health and Safety Code
§ 481.121. OFFENSE: POSSESSION OF MARIHUANA. (MARIJUANA)

(a) Except as authorized by this chapter, a person commits an offense if the person knowingly or intentionally possesses a usable quantity of marihuana.

(b) An offense under Subsection (a) is:                                      

(1) a Class B misdemeanor if the amount of marihuana possessed is two ounces or less;

(2) a Class A misdemeanor if the amount of marihuana possessed is four ounces or less but more than two ounces;

(3) a state jail felony if the amount of marihuana possessed is five pounds or less but more than four ounces;

(4) a felony of the third degree if the amount of marihuana possessed is 50 pounds or less but more than 5 pounds;

(5) a felony of the second degree if the amount of marihuana possessed is 2,000 pounds or less but more than 50 pounds; and

(6) punishable by imprisonment in the institutional division of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice for life or for a term of not more than 99 years or less than 5 years, and a fine not to exceed $50,000, if the amount of marihuana possessed is more than 2,000 pounds.  
~~

I might get some flack for this comment from the Scared Straight folks, but it might be useful to sit in on juvenile court for a week or two and educate him on the realities of the system. And take a few visits to juvie. It could be very useful if done with the right attitude, and not with the intention of scaring him, but educating. If your kid is prone to breaking the law, seems the responsible thing to do. I mean, how many kids actually understand what a felony is, or what probation entails? Not much of a deterent unless those things are understood.

If by some bizarre chance "Dad Trying" ever comes back, I just wanted to suggest to him that he and his son both check out the NORML website and get educated about the laws in their state. Many states make a special category for possession within X feet of a school zone, and that can be a felony charge even in states where possession of small quantities is otherwise a misdemeanor.

Brilliant fucking laws...bust a high school kid with pot in his possession on campus and charge him with a serious crime. Oh BTW, while he's on campus, any school official can search his car and/or his person & possessions -- and they don't need probable cause or any excuse at all. When they find illegal substances, the on-campus cop is close at hand to make the arrest. To hell with constitutional rights -- they don't apply to school kids on campus.

We're pretty close to the point where just being a teenager is a criminal offense.

Rebel,

Will do. I think that might help. He picked some psychedelic mushrooms out of cow poop and took them to school to sell because he thought they were legal in our state. His only good grade last semester was "street law." Hopefully, he will take note of the harsh penalties.