You're right. It was a controlled environment. Completely artificial. Hell, Grant (Price, co-founder and Cascade grad) even told us that. Everything was controlled. However, you seem to be alluding to the fact that I was brainwashed to a degree. I'd say that I wasn't, but that looks to have the makings of a cyclic argument.
I won't say you were brainwashed. That is for you to decide. Let's face it, if you are/were, you wouldn't know it.
However, I can retort to the sense of fakeness/real me and all of that jazz. This is going to be a lot of disclosure, but it's somewhat necessary for me to explain to you my side of this.
Funny enough, before I even was sent away, I got into a verbal argument with some girl at my high school, and she called me out for being fake and always trying to impress people with bullshit. Yeah, that shut me right the fuck up.
Through my years in middle/high school, I rolled with the right crowd, but I was their scapegoat. I let them use/abuse me in exchange for their acceptance. I "knew" I was expendable to them, and that they just let me hang around for my overeagerness to finance things for them. I had, half-heartedly once, and seriously once, attempted to commit suicide at points in high school, and of course, played that "If I die, who'll be at my funeral, and more importantly, who'll cry."
It would suffice to say I was emo; just a few crap bands and shitty poetry away from painting my nails black. That's what I define as lacking self respect.
How does painting your nails black show a lack of self-respect?
I was insecure, and I hated it. I knew that even before I was sent away. That, for the most part, is gone now. I have good friends; people I trust. I don't worry that my parents are going to up and stop loving me because I screw up, and they actually are interested in my happiness, not just my grades.
I'm not sure why you need me to justify my satisfaction with my life, but there it is.
I suspect you'll have information to dispel some of this, and I'd like to hear it.
Well I'm not trying to argue with you at all. I'm just asking questions. Occasionally, I might share similar experiences or comment on the structure of the program... In no manner, am I trying to ask you to justify your satisfaction with life.
During my teens, I was insecure. I was just forming my identity, becoming independant, breaking away from my parents. Everybody hurts sometimes. I was "goth" (now called "emo")... as well. To a large extent, I still am (in terms of philosophy, not dress). It helped me, through art, introspection, and "crappy poetry" to explore myself, an not be afraid to show that externally. Acting class also helped.
Goth, to me, meant accepting people who for who they were, not demanding change, letting people grow on their own. It meant accepting that the world sucks, that it's fucked up, that there is no point pretending that things are fine when they're not. It was about introspection, self-exploration, and a willingness to show who you are artistically, externally, without being afraid of the condemnation of others. Granted, this was the goth movement in Ireland, and probably a bit more mature than that in the US.
In any case, the goth/emo movement is very artistic, and I find art to be a very therapeutic thing. I don't feel the movement is nearly as harmful as many make it out to be.
In program, I was told such things were to cover up who I really was... That I was fake. At first, I resisted it. I did not progress. I couldn't make it unless i "worked the program" (saying "i'm fake..."). Long story short... Eventually, I "accepted the truth" and had a dramatic realization: I really was wearing masks. All that stuff from before was just a safety blanket that I clung to. In reality, They just wanted to sever any anchor I had to self-concept. I realized this in part before I started research (suspected it, journaled about it...)... and after reading about how brainwashing actually works, I realized that portraying who I was as "fake" was integral to program's design for thought reform. I also researched into CEDU, and it's roots and discovered that I was not the only person to make these observations. when many different people come to the same conclusion independantly, it probably is worth looking into. I don't expect, or want you to say "oh my god, that is what happend to me"... If it did, you must, as I did, come to that conclusion on your own. If you like, I can point you towards some research that might make you ask a few questions.
Self confidence? After program, I felt I was more confident. In a sense, i was. I was more confident that "if i believed it, i could make it happen"... I was, on the other hand, less confident
to be myself. At the same time, I thought I was the "real me".
If you want to talk about this on the phone.. gimme a call at 571 277 5341