Being in an environment that used abusive verbal barrage as a tool to promote "emotional growth", that included emotional ambushes, a re-write of my personal history through staff coersion, a prolonged hijack of independent thought, and extensive , destructive exploitation of my feelings, fears, vulnerabilties, and personal truth had one big impact when I got out. Don't trust anyone or get close to anyone again in any real, meaningful way, because they will exploit you, "misunderstand" you to their benefit, or try and control you in some way. Another was that I looked at every situation polemically. Thus, sub consciously, I was judging people on the outside by whether they were "in agreement." I didn't know I was doing it at the time. But it made it impossible to accept anyone by CEDU's standards, which were contrived and unrealistic.
I also saw my emotions so exploited, that at the end of my stay, I deadened access to them, so I wouldn't have to display them and the possibility of them being violated. In fact, sensitive person I am, I became numb. Even during CEDU, I found the emotional process so inauthentic that I could not cry. I really, really tried, because it seemed so important that I cried and screamed my way to salvation... Prior to that, I used to cry at AT&T commercials.
Last, I had some real issues that needed to be addressed. None of them were ever addressed at CEDU because one, self esteem was destroyed there, and two, they weren't equipped to deal with emotional growth on any level at all. Three, they weren't even dealing with what was real. They wrote a script for me, badgered me until I adopted it, but most of their perspective of my history was completely false. Even the truth, like, that I had slept with one boyfriend and was raped was reconstituted in such a way that I was treated like a slut by the staff. I'd never even been promiscuous. In fact, when I got out of there, my whole sexual perspective was seriously skewed.
Basically, I left CEDU with soem of the same issues, plus more...
The fact that they lied to and manipulated my parents, lied to and manipulated me, had my parents lie to me for the first time, and crossed major ethical therapeutic boundaries contributed a deep mistrust of authority, that extended to the therapeutic community at times when I needed to reach out for help.
My trust and respect for my parents was further disrupted when I saw how deftly they were manipulated, choosing to believe CEDU over me, when my problem had never been lying...In fact, I could have learned to hone that skill better to facilitate easier transactions at CEDU. The kids who did best there knew it was a con, and knew how to play the game.
Finally, living in an isolated environment, where you see the truth terrifically distorted, watch staff members lie, manipulate, and distort reality, see students adopt an attitude toward echother similar to Hitler youth in the sense of being conditioned to rat bully, spy on, and abuse their peers, affected me in ways I can't even articulate. Not to mention, that speaking your personal truth was stamped out to oblivion to the extent you didn't even know yourself anymore.
It's been a long, long time since I've posted and I feel I've, for the most part, assimilated and made peace with it, on some level, but given the opportunity, wanted to "testify" about the realiy of this experience.
