Dear Prudie,
I work with a woman who talks frequently at lunch and in group settings about the problems she's having with her children. She claims they are just unruly, then discusses some rather dysfunctional behavior that seems like a cry for help. She casually talks about how they've been kicked out of every day care they've been enrolled in for fighting, biting, spitting, and threatening graphic, personal harm on teachers. The most recent story involved one child trashing the house while she and her husband slept. Her solution was to lock her children in their rooms at night, but now she doesn't know what to do with the one who has taken to defecating in the corners during the night. It breaks my heart to hear these types of stories, so much so that if she starts telling me about the latest mishap, I try to steer the conversation in another direction. My spouse thinks I should stay out of the situation, but my heart feels for these children, and I have toyed with the idea of anonymously calling the local social services office to report the situation. Do I have a moral and ethical responsibility to step in and report possible neglect? Or should I keep steering the conversation off the topic and keep my mouth shut?
?Heartbroken and Torn
Dear Heart,
Make the call. That's the advice of both Caren Kaplan of the Child Welfare League of America and Dr. Keith G. Hughes, a consultant to the North American Child Welfare Resource Center, after I read each of them your letter. Hughes said
these children are exhibiting signs of serious emotional distress, and that
parents who lock children in their rooms to keep them under control need intervention to help them learn how to properly deal with their kids. He said most states allow people who suspect child abuse to call the authorities anonymously and be held harmless for making the call. While it's generally best to stay out of the personal lives of the people at the lunch table, your heart is telling you there is something very wrong in this woman's life and that you need to do what you can to stop it.
?Prudie
http://www.slate.com/id/2155291/I found this interesting because it is not a blame the kids, let's BM the kids article, but a focus on improper parenting. It also illustrates a desparate parent that does not know what to do with her out-of-control chilren. She is a potential program customer. Note that the experts don't mention any intervention with the 'bad' kids who are making 'poor choices.' They focus on the parents.
I was speaking to my dear Sister (PHD Child/Adolescent Psychology) who has worked in the field for over 20 years. She said, "If you can fix the parents, the kids will usually be okay." She said the frustrating part of working with kids is that often she knows she is treating the wrong person. She just does her best to give the kid a good reality perspective and get them through it.
She told me a couple of horror stories about kids who went through much worse at the hands of their own parents than anything the programs dish out; real gothic novel stuff. Made my skin crawl.
