Let's Do It For Joe Mama!

[Anonymous]

"Route 60 has a shitload of hills and curves and we can stop at that all night Starbucks, get on the internet, and terrorize people on fornits."  She flashed me an evil grin and pulled along side me with her flashers going.  "Well c'mon jerk, LET'S DRAG!!!!"  

My, my.  Interesting.

[85 Day Jerk]

A work of fiction is a work of fiction.  Trying to pick it apart for 'hidden messages' will only serve to feed an already severely confused brain.

There are absolutely zero Starbucks franchises in Dalton Georgia.  That is one of the reasons I chose to use it in my story, fuckin duh!

If you must waste time gas and money, however, you will find 8 locations in a 50 mile radius of Dalton Georgia, and when you are through terrorizing people on Fornits, you can stop by a local McDonalds, buy a whole damn grocery bag of cheeseburgers, drive into the country, throw them at cows, and scream YOUR NEXT!!!!!

gotta love it

[Anonymous]

Uh, well no...I didn't actually think it was a work of non-fiction, but I did find that particular phrase of some interest.

Relax.  Check your email.

[Anonymous]

I ran into Joe Mama on the clusterfuck known as I-475 leading into Atlanta late last night.  I was bored as hell and had set up a tripod and mounted my camera in the breakdown lane.  I wanted to get a shot of either a commercial jet landing on runway 24 West, or else one of the many ass smoking sports cars like Lambourghini's or the fabled Ford F-1 GT that scream through there late at night.

As I was looking through the viewfinder and checking the built in lightmeter on my trusty Canon Ftb, I was startled by the soft sound of tires on bits of gravel coming from behind me.  Shit, I thought, it is probably a Georgia State Trooper gonna shoo me off the side of the road or maybe even give me a ticket or something.  I turned around and much to my surprise, it was Joe Mama sitting behind the wheel of her van.

"Whatchoo doing there jerk?" she asked.  "I'm setting up to take  pictures of some of them sportscars I keep hearing about."  "Fuck that shit, she says, let's race into Dalton."  "Route 60 has a shitload of hills and curves and we can stop at that all night Starbucks, get on the internet, and terrorize people on fornits."  She flashed me an evil grin and pulled along side me with her flashers going.  "Well c'mon jerk, LET'S DRAG!!!!"  

I decided it would be cool to have both of our cell phones on for this momentous occasion and she agreed.  To my surprize, Joe Mama had never raced her van before and did not know what to do so she asked me for instructions.  "Okay, I told her, "Put the shift lever into R for Race!"  She did and punched it and shot backwards in a cloud of dust and almost hit a support column while I laughed my ass off.  "You sumbitch, you almost crashed me!," she yelled over the phone.  "Oh shit, I forgot, for vans you gotta put it in D for Drag."
So she did, and shot off like a bat out of hell, with me close behind.
She stayed ahead of me until we got off on Route 60, then the first hill took it's toll on her overloaded vehicle and she began to slow down.  "Help me jerk, she yelled, I'm slowing down, what can I do?"
Trying to keep the laughter out of my voice I tell her, "Put it into 2,
that way you'll go twice as fast!!!"  She did, and the motor screamed in agony and sparks and shit started hitting the road under the van.  "Goddammit, you're catching up to me, this is'nt fair!"   "Calm down, calm down, now is there a big letter P on the shifter?"  "Yes, yes, there is!," she screamed excitedly.  "Okay then, now when you start coming down this next hill, I want you to slam it into P for Power and the added gravity should let you really haul ass, you got it?"

What happened next almost made me run off the road.  The back wheels locked up, and somehow her dogs opened the side door and bailed out like paratroopers leaving a burning C-47.  Next the driveshaft snapped off at the transmission U-joint throwing off shitloads of sparks and looking like the Worlds Largest Bottle Rocket flying around under there.  There was a strange glow eminating from inside the van as the tortured transmission went thermonuclear and Joe Mama's hair was flying up all around her head like Halle Barry's would do in all them X-Men movies.  Before anything 'real bad' could happen, the trailing end of the driveshaft struck a pothole in the road and the whole fuck'n van flipped up and over like Bruce Jenner doing the pole vault in the Olympics.
As luck would have it, it landed on this huge ass roll of hay the size of a big tool shed.  I decided it might be best to make myself scarce and call the accident in from a few miles away.  I am sorry to say that I was not able to get any pictures, but damn that shit was funny to see!!! ::bwahaha::  ::cheers::  :rofl:  8-)  :tup:

huh.

[Anonymous]

I ran into Joe Mama on the clusterfuck known as I-475 leading into Atlanta late last night.  I was bored as hell and had set up a tripod and mounted my camera in the breakdown lane.  I wanted to get a shot of either a commercial jet landing on runway 24 West, or else one of the many ass smoking sports cars like Lambourghini's or the fabled Ford F-1 GT that scream through there late at night.

As I was looking through the viewfinder and checking the built in lightmeter on my trusty Canon Ftb, I was startled by the soft sound of tires on bits of gravel coming from behind me.  Shit, I thought, it is probably a Georgia State Trooper gonna shoo me off the side of the road or maybe even give me a ticket or something.  I turned around and much to my surprise, it was Joe Mama sitting behind the wheel of her van.

"Whatchoo doing there jerk?" she asked.  "I'm setting up to take  pictures of some of them sportscars I keep hearing about."  "Fuck that shit, she says, let's race into Dalton."  "Route 60 has a shitload of hills and curves and we can stop at that all night Starbucks, get on the internet, and terrorize people on fornits."  She flashed me an evil grin and pulled along side me with her flashers going.  "Well c'mon jerk, LET'S DRAG!!!!"  

I decided it would be cool to have both of our cell phones on for this momentous occasion and she agreed.  To my surprize, Joe Mama had never raced her van before and did not know what to do so she asked me for instructions.  "Okay, I told her, "Put the shift lever into R for Race!"  She did and punched it and shot backwards in a cloud of dust and almost hit a support column while I laughed my ass off.  "You sumbitch, you almost crashed me!," she yelled over the phone.  "Oh shit, I forgot, for vans you gotta put it in D for Drag."
So she did, and shot off like a bat out of hell, with me close behind.
She stayed ahead of me until we got off on Route 60, then the first hill took it's toll on her overloaded vehicle and she began to slow down.  "Help me jerk, she yelled, I'm slowing down, what can I do?"
Trying to keep the laughter out of my voice I tell her, "Put it into 2,
that way you'll go twice as fast!!!"  She did, and the motor screamed in agony and sparks and shit started hitting the road under the van.  "Goddammit, you're catching up to me, this is'nt fair!"   "Calm down, calm down, now is there a big letter P on the shifter?"  "Yes, yes, there is!," she screamed excitedly.  "Okay then, now when you start coming down this next hill, I want you to slam it into P for Power and the added gravity should let you really haul ass, you got it?"

What happened next almost made me run off the road.  The back wheels locked up, and somehow her dogs opened the side door and bailed out like paratroopers leaving a burning C-47.  Next the driveshaft snapped off at the transmission U-joint throwing off shitloads of sparks and looking like the Worlds Largest Bottle Rocket flying around under there.  There was a strange glow eminating from inside the van as the tortured transmission went thermonuclear and Joe Mama's hair was flying up all around her head like Halle Barry's would do in all them X-Men movies.  Before anything 'real bad' could happen, the trailing end of the driveshaft struck a pothole in the road and the whole fuck'n van flipped up and over like Bruce Jenner doing the pole vault in the Olympics.
As luck would have it, it landed on this huge ass roll of hay the size of a big tool shed.  I decided it might be best to make myself scarce and call the accident in from a few miles away.  I am sorry to say that I was not able to get any pictures, but damn that shit was funny to see!!! ::bwahaha::  ::cheers::  :rofl:  8-)  :tup:

huh.

i think i am having a quick study lesson in Stay Away From Abusive People. you're another one of those who can't keep their stories straight. irregardless of whether this story is well written, entertaining, clever, etc, it departs from mere creativity because this sort of thing is exactly the sort of thing you have been doing, and i have only just realized how pervasive and pathological it is. i was paranoid, and you, like Sherman, got a kick out of messing with me. sick.

[85 Day Jerk]

I got a sixty-nine Chevy with a 396
Fuelie heads and a Hurst on the floor
She's waiting tonight down in the parking lot
Outside the Seven-Eleven store
Me and my partner Joey built her straight out of scratch
And she rides with me from town to town
We only run for the money, got no strings attached
We shut 'em up and than we shut 'em down

Tonight, tonight the strip's just right
I wanna blow 'em off in my first heat
Summer's here and the time is right
For racin' in the street

We take all the action we can meet
And we cover all the hillbillie states
When the strip shuts down we run 'em in the street
From the fire roads to the interstate
Some guys they just give up living
And start dying little by little, piece by piece,
Some guys come home from work and wash up,
And go racin' in the street.

Tonight, tonight the strip's just right
I wanna blow 'em all out of their seats
Calling out around the world, we're going racin' in the street.

I met her on the forum one year ago
I thought she suffered from a case of aphasia
I only wish I knew then what I know right now,
see'n how the girl has only gotten crazier
But now there's wrinkles around them faded eyes
And she cries herself to sleep at night
In the morning she makes a cup of herbal tea
and tries to figure how to make it all right.
She sits in front of the monitors glow.
But all her pretty dreams are torn,
She stares off alone into the night
With the eyes of one who hates for just being born


Tonight, tonight the highway's bright
Out of our way, mister you best keep
'Cause summer's here and the time is right
For racin' in the street.
 
{my apologies to Mr. Springsteen}

[85 Day Jerk]

Joe Mama showed up early for the Martin Luther King Parade and the guys at Pep Boys strapped a crawler to her back and used her as the Company Float................and won!!!!

Joe Mama thinks they let her sit at the front of the bus to maintain her dignity........actually it is so the damn front tires stay on the ground so the driver can steer.

We watched the parade from outside the Pool Hall, but it was hard to see, cuz the men inside kept coming out to chalk up their pool cues on Joe Mama's eye make-up.

Joe Mama had a dream........that she was a U-boat Commander in World War II and got hit by a torpedo.  She fell asleep in the bathtub
and done farted!

[Antigen]

stop by a local McDonalds, buy a whole damn grocery bag of cheeseburgers, drive into the country, throw them at cows, and scream YOUR NEXT!!!!!

 :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:

[Antigen]

85 Days, my ass!

[85 Day Jerk]

My bestest and cruelest stunt was to yell SPLIT! one open meeting when this one girl who got home stood up and ran towards her mom without saying anything.  None of the 3rd, 4th, or 5th phasers knew she had made home because they never announced it due to a shortage of staff and a special movie they got to see that afternoon.

This poor girl was tackled halfway up the parents side and her mother was horrified.  Me and the other few jerks laughed so fucking hard we damn near quit breathing.  I think the girls name was Carrie or Kelly or something like that.

[85 Day Jerk]

[im
g]

[Anonymous]

My bestest and cruelest stunt was to yell SPLIT! one open meeting when this one girl who got home stood up and ran towards her mom without saying anything.  None of the 3rd, 4th, or 5th phasers knew she had made home because they never announced it due to a shortage of staff and a special movie they got to see that afternoon.

This poor girl was tackled halfway up the parents side and her mother was horrified.  Me and the other few jerks laughed so fucking hard we damn near quit breathing.  I think the girls name was Carrie or Kelly or something like that.

Fucking hilarious that you got some girl tackled and brutalized.  Asshole.

 :roll:  :roll:  :roll:

[teachback]

My bestest and cruelest stunt was to yell SPLIT! one open meeting when this one girl who got home stood up and ran towards her mom without saying anything.  None of the 3rd, 4th, or 5th phasers knew she had made home because they never announced it due to a shortage of staff and a special movie they got to see that afternoon.

This poor girl was tackled halfway up the parents side and her mother was horrified.  Me and the other few jerks laughed so fucking hard we damn near quit breathing.  I think the girls name was Carrie or Kelly or something like that.

Fucking hilarious that you got some girl tackled and brutalized.  Asshole.

 :roll:  :roll:  :roll:

Yeah, you know I was thinking that was kinda fukked up there, Bob..

[Anonymous]

He likes to fancy himself a witty author and keeper of all things good and cool about Straight.

How wrong he is on both counts.

[85 Day Jerk]

..........stick your head in dog doo.
Child Please!  First of all, I wrote cruelest, which any reasonably educated 3rd grader could ascertain my acknowledgement of the wrongfulness of my actions some 28 years ago.

Second, as a jerk, it was basically my intentions to cause as much chaos and disruption as possible.  Exposing the brutality and stupidity of the Program, its policies, and it's staff was what I was all about.  I just did'nt lie back and take it.  I was willing to put my own neck on the line to expose the Program for what it was...pure bullshit, much like your attempt to cast a bad light on me is doing.

Third, I use the term "poor girl,"  which any reasonable person who is recieving a steady supply of OXYGEN to their brain could fathom that yes, I do indeed feel a bit of guilt and responsability for what transpired after my yelling the word "SPLIT" some 28 years ago.

Fourth and most importantly, is the fact that the poor girl would have been tackled regardless of my being there or not, for the simple fact that Staff had fucked up by not announcing who made Home prior to the meeting.  I was keen, alert, saw my chance and I took it.  I am not particularly proud of what I did, but at least I did not just sit there and be a victim and I REFUSE to entertain the notion that I should feel bad about it.  You were not there, as far as I can tell, therefore, what is the point of your comments other than to call me a bad person.  You call me an asshole, yet you cannot come up with ONE Joe Mama joke, not one.........jeez, I feel so empty now, I was robbed, I was robbed  :cry2:  :cry2:  ::crybaby::  ::crybaby::  ::bangin::