The current "My teen wont forgive me" thread on ST

[Anonymous]

he can't joint he army....I've also gone down that route, they have to be 4 months clear of any crimes, sentences or conditions, he hasn't managed to go 4 days without getting into trouble, he is on tag right now with a bail order, and ASBO and out of prison on licence, these are all seperate things and won't be considered spent for a long time, as he is still causing grief even though he is on these various conditions, I can't see him going anywhere but jail again, but you're right, he has to grow up now and learn what living in the real world is about


ona  lighter note, here's something to make you all laugh, he told me the toher day that i was making him go back to prison because i wouldn't give him money, so therefore I was forcing him to go steal  :roll:

[Anonymous]

Just try reregistering under a new name. Should work. once you have done the regster thing you can log in right away you dont get sent an email or any of that crap.

I did try, it said there was a registered user already using that e mail address LOL

[psy]

I tried logging in but it seems Fornits won't have me  :cry:

Still nvm about that......

I have thrown the 19 yr old out a couple of times, it doesn't make any differnece to the way my younger two behave, and as quite righty has been pointed out he has served 2 prison sentences, so of course he wasn't around in a long while and that made no difference - he is still my son though and my weakness with him is that he has suffered ADHD from a tiny child, but it has only just been recognised in this country, so he didn't get any help, he has adut ADHD to this day, the long & short of it is that through getting no help, he has never quite grasped the real world, as in he thinks the world owes him a favour, everything should be hnded to him on a plate, no one should question his behaviour and that no one can make him do anythign, we had that from a young age, 'they can't make me go to school, they can't make me go to court, they can't make me go to prison, they can't make me stay in prison' and so he goes on, he is still very much a little boy but sometimes I just want him back in jail because that way I know he isn't drinking, taking drugs or out a night getting into fights, he is hell bent on putting himself back there anyway.....I came in tongiht with food shopping & asked for some help getting it in from the car - he flipped, got in my face shouting at me "who do you think you are comig in here with that attitude" um, it's my house, I ony asked for help to carry in the food he is going to eat! he is of the opinion that I had kids so therefore I should forever be their slaves and they shouldn't have to do anything for themselves, he also has real problems in accepting the consequences for his actions, it has never been his fault when he gets arrested, it is the fault of whoever grassed him up, whoever caled the police & usually the police's fault for catching him, he just simply does not comprehend it is his fault for committing the crime!

he lived in a halfway house for a year but was kicked out when he was 1st sent to jail, he hasn't taken any responsibiity since, I think he made it for 3 weeks before he was serving his second term, the one thing that really brings my heckles up is that he cannot see that he only gets into trouble when he drinks! the rest of the time he's actually a nice lad. (He had been drinking tonight)

The bike thing sounds really good, however he wouldn't go and Ipswich is hundreds of miles from here, I'm not sure wether he would get accomodation or not, but he wouldn't go anyway and leave his little crew behind, he has zero confidence. he has been through years of life skills and help for colleges and jobs, but he just turns his nose up at it all, preffering to wander the streets intimidating people, my main fear for him is that one day he'll intimidate the wrong person and they'll kill him stone dead.

I suppose if I'm totally honest with you all - my biggest fear in life is that the younger two will turn out just like him, the GP pointed out to me that they are well on that road now (hey he recognised that but still wouldn't refer!) i did not bring my babies into this world to spend their lives rotting anway in prison, I don't want that for them, but more than this, I don't want them to want that for themselves

We, as a family have been let down badly by social services and the various other agencies I've contacted and now they are starting to point the finger at me, although I have spent many years trying to get help, my GP told me tongiht it's my fault because they have no rules and no boundaries, yes they do! they just refuse to adhere to any of them!

I wish i knew why they are so angry, if I did I would do everything I could to help them all i can do right now is to tell them I am dissapointed with their behaviour, I don't like what they are doing, but still tell them every day I love them, wish them a good day at school and kiss them goodnight, and I always make a big point of telling them how proud I am of them when they have done something good, even if its a thank you for sitting at the meal table without fighting or praising them for the odd times they do stay in on a grounding  - one thing i don't get though is why my daughter is totaly the opposite, she's so focused and knows exactly what she wants form life, runs 2 jobs, goes to college and wants to join the police force, i have never had a days trouble from her and yet she has been brought up in exacty the same way

It would be one thing if your 19 year old was just a drunk; however he seem to be more than that.  From what you are saying, he seems to be an abusive "angry drunk".  If i were a psychologist i would say: he doesn't have enough confidence without it, and only feels powerful when uninhibited.  Inside, he's confident, but too afraid to show it without the booze.  He probably thinks very little of himself.

You could try, before throwing him out, as a last resort:

I know you already have, but try it once more, at an irregular time when he's not expecting it:

Telling him that you are proud of him.  Tell him, with all his faults, you love him for who he is, and you're glad he's your son.  Tell him you know he can do anything he puts his mind to.  The point is to try and make him feel like he is a good person.  If he changes his attitude after that, offer him the motorbike thing.  Explain to him how he can make a career out of it.

Tell him that when he is sober obviously.

If that fails.  Throw him out.  It seems as if he is a danger to you when he drinks, and if he is going to change is must be on his own.  On the other hand he may never change, and that is his right.  You must understand that, at this point, it is out of your hands.  What he does is not your fault as a parent.  My advice is to find some place for him to stay and kick him out of the house (not onto the streets).

I can't imagine, him being in such a state would be a good influence to your younger sons.  Younger brothers usually look up to their older brothers.  In my opinion, as is all of this, if you want to see your 14 year old succeed he is going to need to see his brother either fuck up badly (so he doesn't want it to happen to him), or succeed(provide a positive example).  My guess is he sees his brother as some sort of hollywood roguish rebel character.

I dated this alcoholic girl at one point.  You can't make them change.  Your son has to realize his problem himself.  If he had decent friends I would suggest getting them all together when he is sober and saying something to the affect of "we think you have a drinking problem, there's nothing to be ashamed of, if you like we can get you some help".  If it's just coming from you I doubt it would do any good.  He has got to come to the conclusion himself.  Maybe, if you could convince him to go to that motorbike thing, he might find better friends there who might have the balls to spot the problem and tell him about it.

I have no idea why your sons went wacky and your daughter is fine.  My guess is genetics.

[psy]

Oh forgot to say

If I can get my boys to sit down at this forum, is that okay? I'm sure it would help them big time if they knew someone was on their side and also be able to talk to others who have been where they once were.

you'd have to excuse the 13 yr old though, he is a severe dyslexic who has a 10 seconds or less concentration span, he may not understand what you are trying to put across to him even if I read it to him........this is a big part of his lack of self esteem, he is realy clever, but feels everyoe hates him because he's thick, his words not mine, i'd like a pound for everytime I've told him you don't have to be able to read and write to be clever, he's a smart cookie, he just doesn't act very smart in his life choices

Sounds like it might be ADHD if it runs in the family.  I'm ADHD.  The thing is with ADHD people is that their brains operate too quickly.  They're too smart.  The world is just not interesting enough for them.  Can he pay attention to video games?  My guess is probably, since they are entertaining enough to keep his attention.  A lot of people with ADHD actually have extremely high IQs.

Unfortunately, medication is really the only thing that can help.  Your GP should be referring your kids.  Keep bothering the asshole.  Don't let up until you get what you want, and your kids need, badly.

[psy]

I found that when working with short attention span kids that if you try to force them to pay attention they are going to resist you all the harder.

GAAH.  How long did it take you to figure that one out.  It's like forcing a left handed kid to write with his right hand.  Willpower alone won't cut it.  Tough love and all that crap only frustrates kids and makes them think they are stupid, failures, or not strong enough.  It used to make me so fucking irate to see the staff treat the ADHD kids like they were acting out on purpose, or not paying attention, or ignoring them, or whatever.

[psy]

I dunno I stopped paying attention to your posts sometime last week.

I'm sorry if i offended you.  Seriously.  I didn't mean it in a wrong way.  Look.  When you first started working at program you probably didn't know what you know now.  Even then.  You should not be qualified, and I should not be qualified to be a counselor at any program.  If you were qualified, you wouldn't have to learn what we were talking about through experience with the kids.  They shouldn't be training tools.  I realize you, as well as many other staff in program had good intentions but without the proper psychological education, you get fallout.  I am not criticizing you personally.  At the program I was in, a good few counselors didn't even had HS diplomas, and they would reak havoc on kids' psyches.  You probably know what I mean anyway.  Just don't take it personally.  I actually hold you in high regard considering you were able to realize what you were doing as staff, stop, and have the courage to be honest about it, not only to yourself but also others.

PS: yes i realize i'm long winded.  It's because I type really fast.

[psy]

Thank your higher power I voted for Kerry.  I could be a lot worse.

[psy]

Well i did try to write in Nader but the stupid electronic voting thingy wouldn't let me do it without the VP's first and last name (hell if i knew that).  I'd vote anarchist but they aren't running.

[exhausted]

Me again, this time logging in succesfully as Exhausted, how embarrassing, I'm an IT tutor  ops:

Okkay everything I've read so far makes sense, everything, all of it

I have been down the route of giving my 19 yr old every opportunity to clean up his act , so have many other people, he simply doesn't want to know, so it's time for him to go, he is an abusive drunk, as I've banned him from stepping foot in the house wiht a drink inside him, he's now started sneaking it in, like I can't smell it on his breath? he got really abusive last night on vodka (again) I simply cannot carry him financially, emmotionally and physically any more, he has to go it alone and as has been said, decide on his won path, although he sopends alot of time telling me I'm not  anormal mother if I ask him to pick up the rubbish he strews all over the house or bring his laundry down etc, normal mothers slave after their kids don;t you know?

I have just been to the mental health team today to get the results of my 13 yr olds tests, sadly he has the learning ability of a 6 year old, his concentration span is about 7 seconds and he has no life or comnmunication skills, so I'm waiting to find out where we go from here with this......he was diagnosed with ADHD on Jan 13th this year, was put on Concerta about 4 months later and the doseage has just been upped......my son is told daily that he is not thick, by me & his siblings, in fact he is really clevber, the block just hurtles in when putting what's in his brain down on paper, our Prime Minister was a dyslexic! (John Major - muppet)

While I was getting the results, the 14 yr old jumped through the window of the car and ran away again, so i have no idea where he is at this moment, the 13 yr old soon followed suit after we returned home ... it really scares me not knowing what they are doing and who they are with, wether they are committing some crime or smoking drugs whatever.

I assure you, no matter what the day brings, and believe me it's like this every day - I tell all 4 of my children every single night that I love them, I may not like what they do, but I love them and kiss them goodnight, that's if they decide to come in that night of course.

I do praise the 19 yr old, I always try to find something about them every day that has been good, this is often difficult because sometimes I have to look very hard for something, but I'll usually find something even if it's a small thing like taking their shoes off at the door or hanging their coat up - everyone needs to be told their not all bad all the time, even me....even when I want to throttle them, I'll say please and thankyou to them, why should they speak to me with respect if I can't do the same? I find this difficult though when I've just been called a psycho whore, I have to bite my lip and say "I don't appreciate being spoken to like that, now would you apologise to me for being so hurtful and disrespectful PLEASE" when they do I thank them, in reality I want to slap them straight in the mouth, but that's not how I deal with things.

Oh well same shit, different day, tomorrow will bring more of the same no doubt - but I will survive it as I have done so far, until I eventually crack under the strain - still, when it's me who's been put into a mental facility at least I'l get some peace & quiet!

Seriously - my friend who also has a child with ADHD has just sufggested that as I can't get any help from my GP that i should take the 14 yr old to the ER and insist that I've had to go there because I have nowehere left to turn and see if they can get a psychriatic assessment, take a short cut as it were, I may just do that when I next see him, something has to give.

[Anonymous]

Now I'm curious what these kids physically look like.

Because I'm starting to have a suspicion...

If that suspicion is correct, there's organic brain damage and there isn't much you can do.

[psy]

Milk.  I think we've already established that she probably isn't a drunk.  The lady has come here for help.  Either help, or stop being an asshole.

[Anonymous]

We're not talking about anything that's happening now, we're talking about things two decades to a decade and a half ago.

I'm not trying to be insulting. I'm being perfectly serious. The symptoms she's describing are honestly starting to match up with FAS/FAE. Or maybe lead poisoning. The more she talks about it the more it sounds like the younger kids can't control their behavior.

She needs to get a real, in-depth evaluation on her kids from a real doctor, and the fact that her GP is giving her shit about it is terrible.

[exhausted]

Now I'm curious what these kids physically look like.

Because I'm starting to have a suspicion...

If that suspicion is correct, there's organic brain damage and there isn't much you can do.

Now you're talking my language!

I didn't drink then either, I have been down the FAS route when I heard about it a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't quite sure what it really meant, it was explained to me and then I felt a prat lol! I didn't know kids have a physical appearance cojnected with this as the person who mentioned it is very experienced in these matters and knows my boys

However.....I have always (right from when they were babies had a sneaking suspicion something was wrong, mainly the 14 yr old concerned me greatly, didn't sit up, roll over, take any notice of lights and twinkly things, you know the sort of stuff, my mum asked me if he had floppy infant syndrome way back then....I think she's a fruitcase so ignored her, BUT, if anyone knows anythihng about the effect of Diazepam on the fetus and what happens later on in life, I'd really like to hear from you! I saw a television program many years ago about a girl whose mother had taken it during the pregnancy and her daughter was almost vegetated by her early 20's - I have always been convinced it does some damage to the brain in some way, in fact i brought this very thing up with my doctor last night, but he dismisses ADHD as being an actual condition so he wasn't having any of it, I am convinced this may be the problem, I would never have taken it if I'd known it could cause any affect, funny because I didn't smoke, drink, even take a painkiller during pregnancy & yet I trusted the GP to continue prescribing Diazepam
Does anyone know of any research about this? Or have anything that could confirm my suspicions (I can't find anything on the net)

JSYK I wasn't taking Diazepam when pregnant with the 19 yr old or the 17 yr old

[exhausted]

Three Springs - the police have told me to stop claling them every time the boys run away as they are not my babysitters and to get off my arse and look for them myself, I have been greeted like this on many occassions so have stopped caling them, when they call me to ask if I will act as an appropriate adult after they arrest them, I tell them to get stuffed, we do not have the greatest relationship

My boys are downstairs paying a game and laughing      

[Anonymous]

All right. First the good news. You haven't really done anything wrong.

I haven't a clue what's really going on inside their heads. I'm in another country on the Internet. We all are. At this point you're not going to get your answer here (and you'd never get a real answer on ST, ever). The problem doesn't lie in behavioral anything, and the concepts of punishing them, discipline, etc, just won't work. You're trying to affect circuitry that isn't quite right in their heads. If there's any real solution at all it's going to lie in real psychiatry.

Find someone who is willing to conduct an MRI on the kids, do a full evaluation on their brains, find out what's really going on. If your GP doesn't want to refer you, and he's the one who prescribed diezapam, threaten to report him for conflict of interest. There's something wrong, medically wrong, here. You might even have a legal case. I don't know- I'm not a doctor or a lawyer, and no one else on this forum is, and (need I say it again?) definitely no one on ST is.

If your kids are playing a game together, laughing, etc, it means that they're not *that* messed up- at least not while they're sober.

Keep them away from the fucking alcohol. Don't store it in your house. If they're going to other kids' houses and trying to steal it from there, tell their parents what's going on. They're killing themselves on that shit.

Above all be nice to them. Remember, they're not really responsible for what they're doing (brain damage is just like that). You want them to be sleeping at your house. See them downstairs having fun together? That's where you want them to be, safe, not in the custody of sadists, and away from the booze.

Have you attempted to get them on this forum yet?