How 'bout them cubbies?

[ehm]

no???

[METALGOD8]

Hello, I am sure that you will not be always miserable. Many of us have nightmares, some more than others. I had one a couple weeks ago. This stuff is very complicated and just proves that it was completely rediculous that it was ever introduced to young people and humans in general. If you want, you could send an email to [email protected] and get a dialogue going. I hope to hear from you soon, thank you.

MG8 :smokin:

[mcadaret]

I wish I could comfort you, but I really can't. I left Straight on St. Patrick's Day of 88, and I still contend with fears and nightmares and demons. I will not deny my fears or yours by saying that you should look on the bright side or get over it. But....



I can however say that I noticed a couple things. First the trivial, I was in Springfield, VA from Oct 86 unitl Mar 88. So it seems that you and I were simultaneously being demoralized. Anyway.



The other things I want to say I noticed are in response to your question, "when the hell will I ever feel love?" I think you know the answer to that. NOW. I assume Moobie is your fiance. He seems to be hanging in with you. And you wrote briefly and passionately about feeling your daughter's love for you.



Feeling love after the abuse we have suffered is so confusing. Believing that we are worthy of love, capable of loving, and trusting another with our self is hard for people who haven't gone through abuse. Now lets remind ourselves of what we've been through. Metalgod's word complicated is only the tip of the iceberg. Self-loathing and self-doubt are only two of the complications most of us suffer.



Some days the demons seem to win. Some days are overwhelming. Don't deny it, but try to look at your daughter and/or Moobie and say "the demons are winning. Help me fight them." That's what I do. Look at my wife and kids and say, "everything seems to suck today, and I'm a total fuck-up. Help!" They rarely disappoint me. I won't say they can always send the demons running, but they don't often lose either.



I am a religious person. I know many here are not, and that's fine. We all make our own way in the world. I tend to pray for the people on this board in a general way. Would it be to forward of me, or would it make you uncomfortable if I prayed for you specifically? I'd like to, if you don't mind.



your brother,

Michael Cadaret

[ehm]

[ This Message was edited by: cult survivor on 2004-11-29 06:47 ]

[Anonymous]

Broken Heart
Though I have a broken heart
I'm too busy to be heartbroken
There's a lot of things that need to be done
Lord I have a broken heart

Though I have a broken dream
I'm too busy to be dreaming of you
There's a lot of things that I've gotta do
Lord I have a broken dream

And I've wasted all my time
I've gotta drink you right off of my mind
I've been told that this will heal given time
Lord I have a broken heart

And I'm crying all the time
I have to keep it covered up with a smile
And I'll keep on moving on for a while
Lord I have a broken heart

[Froderik]

When I first found these boards in October 2002, (almost 20 years since my intake) it was to say the least, highly emotional. (That remark would have never cut it in straight, lol, "Talk about your FEELINGS") It helped to have someone there to listen to me (my wife). It's great that your husband is so supportive of you. And rest assured that the sense of being overwhelmed will subside. And do us all a favor - if you DO choose to become a sniper, please make sure that you hit some deserving TARGETS!  :rofl:  I hope you'll pardon the dark humor...

[ehm]

0000000000000

[Froderik]

36 ½. I'll be 37 in April. I'm an Aries.

[Anonymous]

Visiting this board often transports us to our pasts. It is understandable that you feel like you go backward 20 years, because you are visiting the past when you reflect upon it. It is hard not to "dwell" in the past when you visit it so frequently.

My experience has been that it has done a little more harm than good to visit the past for the simple reason that there is pain there. Dwelling on that pain isn't necessarily therapeutic either. We can't change the past. When I think of the past it is painful and confusing, and depressing, none of which are really therapeutic. I would submit to you that this board is not the best place to be healed of past wounds, but it is good in the sense that you will bump into people that went through similar things and may find that there is some comfort in that.

I have yet to have a truly healing experience from reading these posts. I've gotten a few chuckles, though. I've gotten a healthy dose of sarcasm and angst and sometimes a ray of light here and there. But when you look at the board as a whole you are usually looking at a massive, collective, oozing and festering wound of which we are all the official scabs thereof. Not pretty.

You have to decide whether you should visit the board or not. It is realistic to say that you may not get what you are looking for from this board. You may have to seek Jesus for total fulfillment, spiritual ecstacy, and unconditional love.

This board is simply a forum for expressing thoughts and feelings without fear of consequence. There is freedom to express "negative" emotions here. Whether or not you can or want to stomach the rants is something you should probably consider. I guess all I'm saying is don't look for more than this here. It is what it is. I would look for healing somewhere else generally speaking.

People here are understandably angry. They feel that they have a right to be angry about Straight. If that is toxic to you, then limit your time on the board. My suggestion.

[METALGOD8]

I think we should all take a moment to gather our thoughts about what the previous poster named anonymous had to say.
Personally, I felt a wave of rage come over me for a moment or two.
Whoever this anonymous poster is has a relatively warped sense of reality, and may have inflicted a sort of major wound on the SURVIVORS.
I hope that everyone that read that post will see the forest through the trees and well, just blast the shit out of its author for being so gall.

 ::bangin::  ::puke::  :smokin:  :flame:  :flame:  :flame:

[chinrse23]

I dont know if the people who went through straight are really capable of forgetting the past and moving on.  I have to agree that this would be a good way of getting over it, but what has been indoctrined during the program makes that somewhat impossible.

Hopefully, you and others can come to some sort of balance between the past and the present.  Thats all any of us are trying to do.

[Froderik]

---

[ehm]

---->

[marika708]

I suppose there is some validity in the thought process of "dwelling on negativity will bring you down".  But pretending nothing happened isn't the answer either...

Someone I am close to, reminded me at one point that reliving all of the horrors I experienced 20 years ago was probably the reason that I felt so down and was so emotional after I found these boards.  The solution lies, I think, in knowing your own true motive behind your being here.  I come here for the camaraderie of being with other survivors and the sense of belonging that I can't get anywhere else.

I think all of us have our down days when we feel "sadder" than others, that's only human.  But everyone I have seen post on these board is a SURVIVOR, we not be perfectly where we want to be in our lives, but we are alive and making it, IN SPITE OF WHAT THOSE JERKS DID TO US!  

Some days I make it through easily and some days I wonder if I am going to make it through the next 5 minutes, those are the days I really need you guys.  I am very glad you're all here, and I think that we all run through a gamut of emotions when we started posting here.

Morli, all I can say is that based on my experience, what you are going through sounds extremely normal to me.  Give it time and just remember that IF you need to take a break from these boards, we'll still be here when you get back.  

Takce care,

Marika

When Plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in a society, they create for themselves in the course of time, a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that glorifies it.
--Fredric Bastiat

[85 Day Jerk]

I sometimes wonder if God punishes me for never using the talents that come natural to me.  It truly was a wonder unfolding like a
cactus flower in the desert moonlight, the time that I decided to draw a child's portrait that boring afternoon at Clearview Elementary when it had rained and the playground was muddy  so the children had to stay inside.
As I sat and concentrated on that one child's face, twenty three other young faces stared back at mine in intense curiosity as 20 odd years of idle talent slowly crept back into my hands as they began to dance and flutter across the blank sheet of paper.  Before I could stop myself, I had drawn a cherubic 8 year old girl as she would wind up looking at 16.  I kind of realized my own emptiness and isolation from not having a family or child of my own.  In the days that followed, the children would beg to have their portraits done and I began to experiment.
Portraits done in crayon were the most beautiful and held up well, but were also the hardest to draw.  My hands would ache so bad afterwards I would swear I would never do another, then the next day I would see if I could top the drawing from the day before.

As it turned out, I had found a valuable tool for teaching the children self disipline.
There were times I used the drawings as a weapon.  If I was displeased with a child, I would refuse to draw them and this always brought about the most angelic behavior in even the most problematic child.  All of the children took their drawings home with them
where they no doubt took the pole position on
the refrigerator door.  I signed my name to most of them, and although I never earned a penny for any of them no amount of money could buy the happiness and adoration that the children showered onto me for their gift.

_________________
In the line of fire, you know what to say
They gave us no choices, just one shade of grey
Back at that hellhole, behind Tyrone Mall
We walked in darkness, kept hitting the walls
I took the time to feel for the door
I had been treated, but what the hell for?

[ This Message was edited by: 85 Day Jerk on 2003-03-01 20:07 ]