Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > Spouses of Survivors

Giving love back...


My fiancé spent two years of her life in one of Straight's facilities. Those monsters spent two years poisoning her mind, destroying her spirit. When she should have been developing as a person, growing and experiencing life, instead she was imprisoned by the one person that was supposed to take care of her, the one person who she was supposed to trust, the one person that was supposed to love her more than anyone else, her mother. And even after 17 years her mother isn't even capable of understanding what she did to her daughter.

My fiancé has never known love from anyone her entire life. Her father was a abusive bastard, her mother uncaring bitch. And if that wasn't terrible enough add in four years of torture and brainwashing in Straight. I can understand why she has trouble believing in love.

My family background is the complete opposite of hers. I've a large caring family, and have never known what it's like to not have love. Which makes it all the more difficult to understand what she's been through, but I can empathize.

I love her. I know this. She has a hard time believing it though.  I understand why, but that doesn't make it any easier. I know that this has to do with, both, her parents being completely devoid of any trace of humanity and being forced into Straight's "re-education" program. I can't tell you how much pain this has caused us. She's worth it though. She may not know it, but she is.

Giving love back, to those it was stolen from.

Welcome , Glad to see you here. Welcome to the survivor family.

I can sure emphasize with what your going through. My spouse and i have been together along time and Straight has always entered our lives in one way or the other.
I know you said that you and her get into and she becomes almost like on the attack and that , that is not her and its Straight. Well , she is very lucky to have someone with such insight. It has been my experience that your right. Most of the survivors were put in at a very early age like twelve and thirteen, also, a very impressionable age when they are building their identity. It is part of who she is. Straight built people, the difference is that after they were gone they had to tear down the parts of them that were built by Straight. Some have had little success at this others have had great success at it. I dont know of any survivor that has been able to "get rid of straight".
You see when the arguement starts, she is prolly doing what she learned. Win. I learned that survivors when confronting people had to win, they had to be the best at it that was one way they could progress through the program and get the hell out,you can see it on the survivor board sometimes too. Many also have a control issue. They spent years with no control over their lives or even when they went to the bathroom many survivors do not give up any control without a fight.
But I'm prolly not sharing anything with you , you dont already know.
What did I do to deal with my spouse. Part of it you have already done. I learned as much as I could about straight, I accepted the fact that much like vietnam there is no "getting rid" of straight especially once they start talking about it or find the boards. The other thing I did is I would be calm during the arguement and let her win for the moment only to de-escalate it.Then later when it felt right I would ask her what was it that got you soooo angry and I would listen an not take it personally and I would ask her what could I do about xyz to make it better.
Then as time went on each week  I would ask her one question about straight. I would let her talk. I found the more she talked the less likely she was to blow. The trick is that most survivors dont talk willingly. Well let me rephrase that , they will talk but in Straight they were trained well on how to talk and appear serious and feeling when in fact they were if you watched and listened closely talking with no real emotions. (Most survivors DONT go there)So during her little talk I would ask her one question about one thing she said like, man bet you were scared to death? Then she would start to tell me how scared she really was.
Most survivors I have talked to wont talk for two reasons, sometimes going there has caused or should i say been a factor in some suicides. Many are scared if they do talk they will just break cause what they feel and went through is so horrible. I know my spouse needs more than anything to feel safe.
Sorry this was so long winded , and I dont know if it helped at all. I do know that ISAC international survivors action committe has a phone number you can call to talk to other spouses just to vent or talk , its open 24/7.
Sorry to post anon but forgot to log in before I started this long winded post.
You can also email spouses of survivors to talk , vent or just build a network of other spouses. they have a newsletter that comes out for spouses too. I know I have called that number and made a great friend who has been a big help when i get sick of hearing about straight or dealing with them with it.
The spouses support email is
[email protected]   :wave:

My S.O. is a survivor of KIDS.  He doesn't talk about it a lot, we've both kind of been through hellacious things, don't know who had it worse really.  I've heard a few of his stories about time there, he's so methodical when talking about it, I guess perhaps he's trying to keep himself distant from it all.

Are there any other women out there, spouses/s.o.'s of Straigh/KIDS?  I just feel like I want to learn as much as I can about his experiences, so that maybe I can anticipate things that could potentially cause an emotional problem later on.  Reading the postings of all these survivors has helped, so thank you to all the people who may read this that have posted in the past, and who will continue to post in the future.

Anyway, thanks for reading.  Look forward to hearing/getting to know others.

[ This Message was edited by: princessjenn007 on 2005-01-07 12:08 ]


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