I was obsessed with the idea of suicide for a while. I was under so much pressure with no way out. The world wanted me dead. They tried to erase me, like I was a mistake.
I understand why people take themselves out. I see the relationship between the psychological adaptations which we were forced to make in order to survive $tr8 and the reasoning that leads to suicide. Those psych. adaptations we made in order to endure the program were only appropriate for surviving $tr8. They weren't appropriate for getting along in society. On top of that they were made at a crucial time in mental developement. The more I think about it the more I come to appreciate Woofs analogy of the poured cement. I am forged in that experience.
We were held prisoner and given no rights. We were forced to trade our most coveted selves for our existence. We were forced to give up things more precious than blood. Things we cannot hardly get back. And I hope you see this too, Bonnie H.
....cause at some point, after all the manipulation, coercion, public school system into $tr8; brainwash-mind-rape and your integrity is shattered and your time has all been stolen from you, and you start to believe that the world is trying to oppress you in some kind of a semi-personal way, and then when it seems that your whole world is operating against you, it becomes apparent that suicide is the rational way out; that there is a reason you are under so much pressure...that the world doesn't want you and it makes sense to kill yourself...why not take the way out ?? Why not just be alright and oblige the world ??
...But FTW my friend.
...I don't want them neither.
...And they can keep all their authority to themselves.
...It's like so long ago but we're all here now on this board discussing what happened and still struggling to see it clearly, but some people are missing. Some of the kids I was real close too back then are dead an' gone. I feel like it'd be cool if they were here and we could talk to them about the whole thing too. I bet they'd have great insight. I wish they were here.
Tracy Andersen, I don't really know if he's alive or dead but I heard that he drowned in a flood shortly after graduatin from the place. He was cool to me. When I first came in he was on 5th phase. He must 'a' come in young 'cause he was only 14 or 15 at the time. He came and got me off the front row to take me to get my hair cut. Halfway to the intake room I told him I wasn't gettin' my hair cut and he asked me directly if I wanted my hair cut or not and when I told him no he said alright and took me back to group with my hair still long. That was a cool gesture on his part.
Jim Brown was my friend too. Glenn Steepleton was my friend. Steve Mathews...there are more... Matt Hunter...Dale Neville...
