The effects of $tr8 can be so overwhelming and yet so subtle. I haven't been workin' lately. It's been almost 2 months since I've worked. I'm not so much lazy, although I'll have to admit to havin' a lazy streak, but I've mostly been a laborer all my life, that is, when I'm not hidin' out wishin I was invisible or somethin'.
I was talkin' to an old friend yesterday, explaining to him that it aint that I'm lazy or don't wanta do the work, but that I'm just real uncomfortable with the idea that the homeowners may be inside their house watchin me work. I don't even feel like cutting the few lawns I still have left, here in the neighborhood. I don't trust any of these people and I don't want them to see me.
My neighbors houses are only about 20' from mine. Lotsa times I don't even want to walk around in my backyard because I fear someone is watchin' me. Lookin' outtta their windows, observin' me.
I asked my friend out loud: "Why do I feel so uncomfortable ?? What is it that's bothering me ??"
As soon as I asked him those questions out loud I realized how I had absolutely no privacy in $tr8. Especially on first phase, which I spent 10 months on. I mean really it's no wonder I don't want to be seen or watched or observed by anyone. How many times have I been systematically humilliated and degraded, especially in the bathroom, and when I was on 'consequences' it was especially bad because I had to ask for each square of toilet paper seperately with the words: "By the courtesy of your humble host-home may I please have a piece of toilet paper" !!!!!!!!!! How fuckin degrading and humilliating!!!!!!!
I told my friend about $tr8, which he had heard a little bit about before, so he was somewhat familliar with the place, and even explained to him how I had no privacy in the bathroom and even told him about how I had to ask for each sheet of toilet paper with those words. He sympathized with me but couldn't help laughin a little at the image of me bein' such a pussy. I almost regret tellin' him, but fuck it, maybe he will understand a little better why I'm "different".
I've always had trouble keepin' a job. For the last 10 years I haven't even applied for a "real" job. I've been self-employed, as a ditch-digger/landscaper type guy. I don't have the mental stability to be the kind of man who shows up to the same job with the same people everyday. Eventually I get freaked out and stop showin' up. I try to force myself to go. That's the advice I get from the 'regular' people who all seem to be able to keep a steady job, but my aversion to people is so strong...that even the need to make money can't over-ride my psychology, and it's weird because I am actually quite capable of sustaining deep and intimate friendships, but I am extremely selective with the people who I choose to be friends with.
Anyway my point was that all the humilliation and degradation I suffered in $tr8 is like a dirty secret that I don't even want to address, but if I don't I am left wondering: "what's wrong with me ?? Why am I so fucked up ?? Why can't I go to work ?? " and so on. It really helped me a lot yesterday just to admit out loud to my friend all the trouble I have. As soon as I asked my questions out loud in front of him the answers came to me. It's really a huge problem because not working means no money. I've been struggeling like this all of my adult life. I'm tired.
It's just so strange to think that I understand the obvious crimes, the serial mind-rape, that I suffered in $tr8 and yet am puzzled by my inablity to function consistently in society. It's not that I can't work at all but that it fucks me up just enough to keep me in trouble.
It's really even a lot more than just that. The scars and unhealed wounds I carry from the humilliation and degradation are just one aspect of the overall trauma. I exhibit many of the emotional and psychological symptoms of a rape victim. I have been told by my psychologist that I show signs of PTSD
What a fuckin' mess.
Sorry, I don't even know if this is making sense to anyone. I wish I could be invisible.
