Invisible

[Anonymous]

invisible, yes. paranoid, yes.

- another straight survivor

p.s. not a godam veteran of a war. w/e with that, don't know if this board joined the "alumni" in ideology or what. vet implies i signed up. none of us signed up for that shit. we could not possibly sign up for that shit because straight was closed. you couldn't see into it until you were IN it. i am a former unwilling, unrepentant prisoner. straight conned me.

I hear ya, but one could make the "drafted" analogy I guess... "Survivor" is somewhat better than veteran, but prisoner is more like it.

[Antigen]

Nope. Many, many vets were conscripted just like we were.

[Anonymous]

Well, yeah...that's kinda what I was saying there about using the "drafted" analogy so i'm w/ ya on that... prisoner certainly works too though; on that i think we all coulds agree..

[Anonymous]

more like a press gang than a draft board.  I go with survivor, anyone who wants to glorify their Straight sentence into a military career is welcome to do so.

[Anonymous]

Otoh, when all is said and done what's there to glorify about being in the military necessarily.. I'm sure that a lot of soldiers find that they "don't wanna be there".

[Anonymous]

Pirate, I get it totally. I have had the same issues with work. It all comes down to,  I end up telling people I work with TOO MUCH! I disclose Everything =(  Even though I didn't comply w/ straight, it still got in my head. It makes me very angry sometimes (at my self) I too wish to succeed consistantly in life. My surgery is soon and I will be returning to main stream life once again (hospital work), I am scared to death. And I am not exactly sure why. Yes, I too get paranoid around people I work for/with and eventually stop going to work and start looking for a new job. As this has carried me thru in the past, it will no longer benefit me in the long term. I'd like retirement and medical benefits... matter of fact I need them (Thanks to straight) So, I am hoping I can ~keep it all together at my new job for a long time.. Who knows, we will see. Facts are I have litle choice, I must work to secure my independence. That is the ONE single goal in my life. I will have it.

Interestingly over this summer I have been hanging out w/ my 17yr old niece almost everyday. I never got much time w/ her over the yrs, like my parenst were afraid I'd 1) tell her how insane the family truly is 2) teach her to be a ~bad kid (because my parenst still think I was a horrible kid and WANTED to be that way) 3) I'd tell her ALL the family trauma and secrets. But as she got older, it became clear she wanted to be around me, 1) because I never lie to her 2) I encourage her to follow her dreams 3) I allow her her own identity etc.. During this summer, I have also gotten to close up observe my Sisters parenting techniques.... And a spooky realization came to me 2 days ago... My sister is STILL programed in straight's philosphy and punishments.. She is treating my niece like she is a druggie teen! My goddess, this child has not even had her first kiss... and no way in hell she has even snuck out of the house or been alone w/ a boy or used/seen any drugs/alcohol in her life. But my sister treats her w/ no trust and interigates her about everything. She is not allowed to wear black shoes or black t-shirts, censors the music she can listen to.. uses" tough love tactics" during  punishment, plays head games w/ her to gain control and break down her self esteem.. etc.  It's been seriously bizarre to see how straight even affected my older siblings. Spooky stuff...

Bottom line is we are diffrent, we do respond diffrent.. even OUR whole family unit is skewed... It's like .. "Welcome to the Twilight z0ne"  I'm very concerned about how this straight/cult programming is-has affected my niece and nephew even tho they were born years after I was termintaed or w/e... just freaky.

~WD  
ps: I've been thinking alot about you/us all lately. I'm still out there putting one foot in front of the other..

Oh and is this Nov. thing still happening? I can't find the post.. Someone let me know the details, przz! I might get the nerve to arrive ;p We will see. That building scares me alot still >< I might not be back for awhile again, someone call me and let me know maybe or email me please.

~Free Love and Naked peace!~ WD

[Antigen]

Hey WD. Please make sure I have your email addy. I pulled all the ones from any registered username anybody ever used to post to this forum, but I'm not sure if yours is still there and correct. Matter of fact, everybody who wants to get updates and such please send me email via the forum (use the email icon at the foot of this post, plz) and I'll make sure you're on the list.

Here's how that works. DF wants to email everybody w/ a possible interest. I have a whole shitload of email addresses--everyone who ever registered here w/ a valid one (and, of course, a bunch of bogus ones, shit I almost never use a good one for something like a web forum either). Of course, I won't give those out, even to someone I trust a whole lot cause yenz understood when you gave them to me that I'd keep them private and not use them for spamming. So I'm just going to set up a little script to run through the list and send a copy of w/e DF comes up with to each addy. That way, everybody gets one w/o my violating that trust by giving the list out. See? Any questions, complaints, accusations or other comment, please hit me up and leave DF out of it. He's a gentle soul trying to do a decent thing. Me? I can take it. In fact I sort of start to feel a little off balance if I don't get a good, hostile knock down drag out every once in awhile.

[Antigen]

I don't really equate my time in the program as having been a soldier. And I'm ambivalent about military service and people. Free sovereign people sometimes have to soldier up, and that's as admirable as anything. A standing army, otoh, is a Fascist, authoritarian mechanism. Damned near everybody used to know that, didn't they? But a standing army is all this country has since not long after the unCivil War. So what's a free sovereign who's so inclined as a warrior to do?

Anyway, the metaphor holds when you consider how many non combatants always wind up accused, interred, tortured and interrogated as POWs in any war.   The truth is always the first casualty, b'lieve it! And that the drug war is, indeed, a war in every sense of the word and we all were, very much, prisoners of it--more so them really whack lunatics who were there voluntarily, as the parents and most of the staff, and who fucking liked it! Poor bastards! Can you even imagine what it must be like to be condemned to live out a life inside one of those skulls? Poor fuckers, turned against themselves and theirs, lost for good and all to the darkest of dark forces! I have sincere compassion and sympathy for them others, ya know? Even the likes of Virgil Miller Newton, who I view with the same mix of contempt and pity as a rabid dog who must be put down*.

And here's another point upon which I hope many can agree. No one ever won a war. Not ever down through history has any war ever been won. The best we can hope for is to END the war. And, if we're particularly optimistic, we might dare hold out hope that some of us will have LEARNED from it and not repeat it immediately.

* For the more paranoid among our readership, and I'm not addressing former clients here, no this is not a death threat. Virgil only needs to be prevented from fucking with people, such as unsuspecting parishioners of the Antiochian Orthodox Church and I'm so extremely averse to coercion that I will always, w/o fail, pursue the absolute least coercive means of attaining any vital objective. Just quit supporting that satanic mindfucker's delusions about being a priest and counselor and keep him away from children and other vulnerable people. I'm thinking a bold, red tattoo across the forehead reading "I'm a sick bastard[/color]" would probably suffice and be oh so apropos to those he so enjoyed humiliating in similar fashion.

[Anonymous]

I think the bottom line is that we are here to learn lessons of love.  We were subjected to this shit because we could take it.  So that we could, in our own way, learn those lessons, and, if we are lucky, share them with someone else.

not to burst your bubble or anything, but there were many who couldn't take it.  Many of them committed suicide.

That which does not kill you may make you stronger, or it may cripple you for life.

[Anonymous]

Gah alluded to it.. and we have all (most of us) experienced it?it is called PARANOIA.  And it sucks.  As you know, Pirate, I took a year off after my debilitating panic attacks.  After I ?woke up? and got done being angry and feeling sorry for myself, I finally decided it was time to get back to work. Yea for me! Big Step.  On my way to de-programming, right??  Riiiight...

Now I find myself creating reasons to work from home, or be sick, or close my office door so I don?t have to be around or interact with other people or ?be looked at?.  I have slept 32 hours in the past 48.  It is safe in bed.

Even when I go out of my house just to walk my dog I think about who is watching me from their windows and wonder are those lawn guys mowing the neighbor?s lawn really lawn guys. (Hah!  Maybe it?s you Pirate! Wouldn't that be cool.  Just kidding)  

But seriously, just when I feel like I am getting my head around the mind fuck that happened to me (us), I realize that I am not even close.  Here is one thing I?ve learned though.  There are fellow human beings out there who have it way worse than we have.  Way.  That, and my son, are what give me strength.  

I think the bottom line is that we are here to learn lessons of love.  We were subjected to this shit because we could take it.  So that we could, in our own way, learn those lessons, and, if we are lucky, share them with someone else.

i sleep on the floor. it sucks. i wish i could sleep for 32 hours. it is nice to sleep and stay home. not every "symptom" has to be fixed. i think straight also made me think i should be able to deal with any situation with equanimity. i'm not buddha. let yourself fall and cry for a while. we locked it up for long enough.

[starry-eyed pirate]

Thankyou. Yes.

[Anne Bonney]

The effects of $tr8 can be so overwhelming and yet so subtle.  I haven't been workin' lately.  It's been almost 2 months since I've worked.  I'm not so much lazy, although I'll have to admit to havin' a lazy streak, but I've mostly been a laborer all my life, that is, when I'm not hidin' out wishin I was invisible or somethin'.  

I was talkin' to an old friend yesterday, explaining to him that it aint that I'm lazy or don't wanta do the work, but that I'm just real uncomfortable with the idea that the homeowners may be inside their house watchin me work.  I don't even feel like cutting the few lawns I still have left, here in the neighborhood.  I don't trust any of these people and I don't want them to see me.

My neighbors houses are only about 20' from mine.  Lotsa times I don't even want to walk around in my backyard because I fear someone is watchin' me.  Lookin' outtta their windows, observin' me.

I asked my friend out loud: "Why do I feel so uncomfortable ??  What is it that's bothering me ??"

As soon as I asked him those questions out loud I realized how I had absolutely no privacy in $tr8.  Especially on first phase, which I spent 10 months on.  I mean really it's no wonder I don't want to be seen or watched or observed by anyone.  How many times have I been systematically humilliated and degraded, especially in the bathroom, and when I was on 'consequences' it was especially bad because I had to ask for each square of toilet paper seperately with the words: "By the courtesy of your humble host-home may I please have a piece of toilet paper" !!!!!!!!!!  How fuckin degrading and humilliating!!!!!!!

I told my friend about $tr8, which he had heard a little bit about before, so he was somewhat familliar with the place, and even explained to him how I had no privacy in the bathroom and even told him about how I had to ask for each sheet of toilet paper with those words.  He sympathized with me but couldn't help laughin a little at the image of me bein' such a pussy.  I almost regret tellin' him, but fuck it, maybe he will understand a little better why I'm "different".

I've always had trouble keepin' a job.  For the last 10 years I haven't even applied for a "real" job.  I've been self-employed, as a ditch-digger/landscaper type guy.  I don't have the mental stability to be the kind of man who shows up to the same job with the same people everyday.  Eventually I get freaked out and stop showin' up.  I try to force myself to go.  That's the advice I get from the 'regular' people who all seem to be able to keep a steady job, but my aversion to people is so strong...that even the need to make money can't over-ride my psychology, and it's weird because I am actually quite capable of sustaining deep and intimate friendships, but I am extremely selective with the people who I choose to be friends with.

Anyway my point was that all the humilliation and degradation I suffered in $tr8 is like a dirty secret that I don't even want to address,  but if I don't I am left wondering: "what's wrong with me ??  Why am I so fucked up ??  Why can't I go to work ?? " and so on.  It really helped me a lot yesterday just to admit out loud to my friend all the trouble I have.  As soon as I asked my questions out loud in front of him the answers came to me.  It's really a huge problem because not working means no money.  I've been struggeling like this all of my adult life.  I'm tired.

It's just so strange to think that I understand the obvious crimes, the serial mind-rape, that I suffered in $tr8 and yet am puzzled by my inablity to function consistently in society.  It's not that I can't work at all but that it fucks me up just enough to keep me in trouble.

It's really even a lot more than just that.  The scars and unhealed wounds I carry from the humilliation and degradation are just one aspect of the overall trauma.  I exhibit many of the emotional and psychological symptoms of a rape victim.  I have been told by my psychologist that I show signs of PTSD

What a fuckin' mess.

Sorry, I don't even know if this is making sense to anyone.  I wish I could be invisible.

Makes perfect sense to me.  The paranoia and feeling like a complete failure in life I think were the worst lasting effects for me.   I bought for a long time that I was just a fuck up and selfish for "putting my family through so much".

[lostnfound]

Makes perfect sense to me.  The paranoia and feeling like a complete failure in life I think were the worst lasting effects for me.   I bought for a long time that I was just a fuck up and selfish for "putting my family through so much".

....and if we go by psychology, the whole reason we were in straight & doing drugs/having behavioral problems was because of what our parents did to us.

[lostnfound]

I was talkin' to an old friend yesterday, explaining to him that it aint that I'm lazy or don't wanta do the work, but that I'm just real uncomfortable with the idea that the homeowners may be inside their house watchin me work.  I don't even feel like cutting the few lawns I still have left, here in the neighborhood.  I don't trust any of these people and I don't want them to see me.

My neighbors houses are only about 20' from mine.  Lotsa times I don't even want to walk around in my backyard because I fear someone is watchin' me.  Lookin' outtta their windows, observin' me.

Sometimes, I wish I could go be a hermit and live in a cave on a mountain somewhere. Too bad it's not practical.

And if they see you, what are they going to do - set you back?  Hell, flash them.  Walk around your back yard naked.  Bet they stop watching you then - either that or they will watch you more. LOL

[Anne Bonney]

Makes perfect sense to me.  The paranoia and feeling like a complete failure in life I think were the worst lasting effects for me.   I bought for a long time that I was just a fuck up and selfish for "putting my family through so much".

....and if we go by psychology, the whole reason we were in straight & doing drugs/having behavioral problems was because of what our parents did to us.

Yeah, funny thing about that.  My dad took absolutely no responsibility for how I "turned out" (according to him) but when my oldest went through her crazy-scare-the-shit-out-of-mom stage it was completely my fault, according to him.   Then when she got through it and was fine, I had absolutely nothing to do with that, according to him.