PAinful as awakening may be, it is preferable to being asleep to the brainwashing and abuse we were subjected to. In order to heal, ya gotta know where you got hurt. It's painful to realize these things, but that is a normal reaction---we were subjected to things that hurt us, so we feel pain. Once you wake up to the deceptions, you are able to make "course corrections" and retake control of your mind and your life. Question the dogma, talk about it with someone you trust, eliminate things in your life that tie you to the painful aspects of what you experienced. Assert your independence of thought in your daily life. Question authority. Determine to enjoy your life as you see fit, live to your standards, no one else's. Eat, drink, or smoke whatever you want, whenever you feel like it. Listen to or read or watch whatever you feel like, fuck whatever consenting adults you wish to. Wear clothes that you like, that are comfortable or that make you feel good. Talk behind people's backs if you feel like it (just remember that no one likes a no-good busybody gossip), and think about the "real" reasons for rules, and follow only the ones you respect. Don't let anyone tell you what to do, ever again. I am not saying to swan dive into a lake of gluttony, alcoholism, sexual promiscuity, and self-centeredness to the point of being an asshole, be sure to keep yourself alive, but live your life the way you want to. Every day that passes is a day farther from that point in time, and anothe rday that you have survived. The pain and confusion you are experiencing now is temporary and normal. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do, it is a normal, healthy, and sane reaction to the abnormal, unhealthy, and plain ol' crazy situation we were in. For now, just keep in mind that the feelings you are having are normal, and temporary. The real trick, now that you see how we were "programmed" is not just de- but re-programming ourselves the way WE want to. Some people say that yoga has been helpful to them, others swear by counseling. Generally, having a supportive environment consisting of one or two people you respect and trust can be enough., make sure thast they are not judgemental and that they understand the magnitude of what happened, but don't allow yourself to be hung up on getting the approval of others. If nothing else, maybe coming to Fornits and anonymously ranting can be a way of blowing off steam. There's no one-size-fits-all remedy for Straight, but there is hope and means to get beyond the anger, confusion, pain, and depression that so often come along with "waking up". Living well is the best revenge, so keep yourself alive. Reclaiming your mind is not only possible, it can also be a hell of a lot of fun.