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Offline Anonymous

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« on: January 30, 2003, 02:47:00 PM »
Jeff. It was Jeff wasn?t it? The day I turned purple. You gave me a card. Full of things I could sense neither of us believed. I could feel your compassion though. It had been only a small token of respect and dignity, but it remains with me to this day within the deeply sealed contents of my mind. If you are out there and feel the same way I do, know that I kept your example to me in my head always. (Even after that card became? Was it lost, burned, ripped? Many times would I attempt to cleanse my soul of those sick and damaging statements? Trying all the psycho-babble bullshit like creating an effigy symbolizing everything I wanted to cleanse myself of and the like.) It's a standard I still try diligently to maintain (your compassion at that moment, not the mantra). I tried to do the best I possibly could. It was just so damn hard sometimes. We would all fail. Even the strong among us crumbled under the terrible weight, burden, and responsibility to each other. We were all so sick from lack of sleep and stress. The numb that place could slip you into!

There were few times I had ever become so 'numbed-out' in all my numerous and excessive drug experiences. I was gone. Way out there. We were all reduced to primal basic levels. Even though I would sit straight and always talk, and always listen and always analyze. So many pivotal moments exposed in such a condensed period. My life had become everyone?s and everyone?s had become mine.
Mental over-load.
I was there with you.

Crouched in between the small bulbs of carpet, hiding from Staff?

I could rub my arms across the bumps. In my mind I had become a dark angel, creating my wings from the ash around me. I would draw the power into me which pulsated within the room. This was the problem even the Staff did not want to examine. Damn them for continuing on. There had to be a conscious point they reached at some point in which they would know they were not helping, only making the problems more severe. Damn them for their arrogance. Damn them for their pride.

I do hope they suffer just as I have.
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