Other options?

[Anonymous]

What other options are there for parents who have kids that need help?  What does a parent do when all the local options of counseling have not worked, the public school system in useless, and the Therepeutic Boarding Schools seem corupt?  What is the best option when everything else has failed?  Do any of you think it is possible to have an effective TBS?  What would one look like to you?

[Anonymous]

90% of the time, the kids don't need help, the parents do. Sad but true. You're going to have to be a lot more specific than "need help" around here.

I severely doubt that this topic is anything but a troll, based on language choices; the magic phrase "all the options" is used, and the public school system "is" useless while the TBSes only "seem" corrupt.

However, if this is a real topic, and your son or daughter really does have serious mental problems, then the only remaining option is a real mental hospital staffed with real psychiatrists. Regular visitation is usually recommended, and the goal is to provide appropriate treatment and release the child as soon as possible. (Hmm. Wonder why they don't do that at TBSes? Ah yes, MONEY)

[Badpuppy]

What makes you think counseling isn't working? Have you tried Functional Family Therapy. What input did your kid have in selecting a therapist that he would want to work with? What help have you attempted to get to make you a better parent? I don't necessarily believe that all parents who send their kids to TBS are poor parents, but they don't have the skill level to deal with their kids. You can have average parental skill and a child who needs better than average parenting. In addition parenting is something that goes on until the parents die. Even in death they teach their kids something about how to die.

I go over to the ADD forums and many posters have terrible problems with their ADD/HD kids. The types of problems that land kids in hospitals or in trouble with the law. BUT AMAZINGLY ENOUGH NOBODY IS THINKING ABOUT SENDING THEIR KIDS TO A TBS. They get professional mental health reccommendations and follow them.

[Anonymous]

Most of the time the kids who have been sent to TBS or wilderness have refused to go to counseling at home, or are lying to the counselor. This includes ones the kids have agreed to see. Family therapy has failed- the kid is still abusing substances, skipping school, refusing to abide by normal rules and disrespecting family members and teachers.



There are many non-corrupt TBSs and RTCs. There are also some terrific wilderness programs. An Educational Consultant can help you find the best program for your child.  A lot depends on what your kid's issues are, how strong the kid is academically and what the family's financial resources are.  Go to http://www.strugglingteens.org for more information.
 :silly:

[SHH]

I think alot of parenting issues are when parents decide they need to start disciplining the kids when they turn 13. It doesnt work that way. Make sure your kid knows you mean business from age 6 months. Make sure your kid knows No means No, back up your consequence threats with real consequences, and make sure your kid knows the boundaries and what happens when they cross them. Make sure they show others respect, and make sure you set a good example. Make sure you dont give them every single material thing they want just because you can afford it, And above all, make sure they know you love them no matter what. Parenting is no walk in the park, but its rewards are enormous. I am proud of the fact that I was strict with my son from an early age. He got compliments on how he behaved, how polite he was (please and thank you), and at the age of 10 now all I need to do when he starts doing something unacceptable is change my tone of voice and thats all it takes to get him to settle down and do what has been asked of him. He and I have a wonderful close relationship. He is a bright, funny, sweet, loving child. Being tough in the beginning makes it far easier when they get older.

[AtomicAnt]

And above all, make sure they know you love them no matter what. Parenting is no walk in the park, but its rewards are enormous.

I agree with this whole heartedly. I think any kid that feels loved and valued will turn out okay.

The strict thing depends on the kid. When my son began acting up at an early age (2.5 or 3 years), I felt the same way. My wife and I began to 'crack the whip.' So to speak. The marriage was failing and I think this had a lot to do with it, but it turned out that the more we disciplined, the more our son fought back. He was violent, refused to stay in one place for time outs, and was expelled from a dozen day care situations. He was expelled from one kindergarden.

At first, the more difficult he became, the more we tried to stop it. We resorted to psychologists and CSTs (Child Study Teams) and they only told us to do the same things were doing.

The breakthrough came when I realized we had a war going on with our son which was a constant battle of escalation. He does something, we punish. Instead of getting the message, he seeks revenge. He was learning nothing and we were getting nowhere and running out of options. We could only escalate so far before running into the boundaries of abuse, after all.

So, I did the opposite. I dropped all punishment completely and focused on positive reinforcement and the idea that if he feels loved and valued it would all work out. It did. It only took a couple of weeks before he settle down and our relationship took off.

For three years now, I have not punished him at all; ever. I empathize, I advise. I relate to him respectfully as a person. It is working. He has had no problems throughout 2nd and 3rd grade and returned straight As on his last two report cards. He is now 9 years old.

He's not perfect and he's more assertive and self-assured than many adults would like to see, but I like his confident, assured personality. Best of all, he has learned to trust me implicitly. He listens and responds very well.

[RobertBruce]

On 2006-05-29 18:15:00, SHH wrote:

"I think alot of parenting issues are when parents decide they need to start disciplining the kids when they turn 13. It doesnt work that way. Make sure your kid knows you mean business from age 6 months. Make sure your kid knows No means No, back up your consequence threats with real consequences, and make sure your kid knows the boundaries and what happens when they cross them. Make sure they show others respect, and make sure you set a good example. Make sure you dont give them every single material thing they want just because you can afford it, And above all, make sure they know you love them no matter what. Parenting is no walk in the park, but its rewards are enormous. I am proud of the fact that I was strict with my son from an early age. He got compliments on how he behaved, how polite he was (please and thank you), and at the age of 10 now all I need to do when he starts doing something unacceptable is change my tone of voice and thats all it takes to get him to settle down and do what has been asked of him. He and I have a wonderful close relationship. He is a bright, funny, sweet, loving child. Being tough in the beginning makes it far easier when they get older. "

Given the style of tough love you endorsed and supported I doubt your child is as balanced as you think. When are you going to answer those questions?

[Anonymous]

Heres my soution, its called Talk to your fucking kids and work on your own interpersonal issues along with you child therapy.  Its really difficult because it requires being open minded and admitting that you arent right all the time and that your lifestyle choices that you try to enforce may not be  working for your kids.  It also involves actually finding out wy your kids do what they do and not just blaming the scapegoat of the month.  It may also involve going to joint therapy sessions with your kid administered by a therapist that you both agree on.

[Anonymous]

Between SSH amd Atomic Ant I bet my money on the Antster.  SSH you say your kid is 10...going to be interesting to see how "good" he is when he hits the teen years and starts to think for himself.  I am a parent too with but grown kids so I have seen what works even though each child is different.  What works best 1) Treat your children with respect so that they respect themselves and others, not just "behave" so their parents get pats on the back from the neighbors. That means respecting their boundaries.  You teach your children how to say no by allowing them to say no as well and respecting that.  For instance, if you want to hug your child and he says no, respect that, don't force it. 2) be reasonable about forced "consequences" because you could back yourself into a corner and it becomes a power struggle, which you will always win until your child becomes a teenager.  It is good to have dialogs about natural consequences to awaken their awareness about natural cause and effect. 3.) Your child needs to feel that you are on his/her side, right or wrong.  That even if he behaves against the grain you are still on his side.  This does not mean you will tell him wrong is right or condone what is truly wrong but that you will be there for him. If you accomplish this then you can build a relaitionship of trust in which your child will confide in you if there is a problem and that should be the gold standard for all parenting. 4) If you are in conflict iwth the other parent do not, under any circumstances EVER put your child in the middle.  No matter how much of a jerk, bitch etc. you think the other parent is, your child is part of each of you and anytime you attack or put down the other parent you are doing the same to your child.  Your issues
with your spouse are not his issues with his parent. 5)If you ever feel like a failure as a parent (and you will) don't EVER articulate it to your child because it means if you failed as a parent then you have raised a failure as a kid.  Of course it is always ok to admit mistakes.  Mr. Ant and others are right: listen to your child; ask questions; don't lecture and preach.  Finally if you have done it right your relationship will segue from parent to parent and friend.  Oh I know the popular psychobabble says be a parent, not a friend but that is bullshit.  I am not talking being a peer but a friend.  In this world that is unpredictible, often violent, always random and somewhat scary we need all the friends we can get and who better than one who has proven  himself to love you unconditionally, to be always there for you and always on your side.  By being that you show your child what a true friend is and what to look for in one.  I speak from experience.

[Anonymous]

That was my post.  Sorry, I make it sound like parenting is a competition and it never should be.  I do agree kids should not be given every material thing; that makes them  weak pawns for
predatory commericalism.  Also parents should be involved and aware from infancy, not ignore their kids until they are teens and then ship them off to be "fixed".

[SHH]

Well some of you misinterpreted what I typed. I never said I didnt allow my son to say no, or didnt respect his decisions or anything like that. I do think that a structured environment is good, but you make it sound as if Im some sort of meanie LOL and that I only want the neighbor's approval. Thats not what I meant. I meant that he got compliments on how polite and thoughtful of others he was, not for my benefit, but for his. and youre right about one thing, the teen years will be trying. But, he knows I love him no matter what, and I am sure we will get through it. Trust me he gets spoiled plenty, I give in alot to his requests, but he also knows No means No.

[Anonymous]

On 2006-05-30 04:00:00, SHH wrote:

"Well some of you misinterpreted what I typed. I never said I didnt allow my son to say no, or didnt respect his decisions or anything like that. I do think that a structured environment is good, but you make it sound as if Im some sort of meanie LOL and that I only want the neighbor's approval. Thats not what I meant. I meant that he got compliments on how polite and thoughtful of others he was, not for my benefit, but for his. and youre right about one thing, the teen years will be trying. But, he knows I love him no matter what, and I am sure we will get through it. Trust me he gets spoiled plenty, I give in alot to his requests, but he also knows No means No."

I agree that some misunderstood your post. I was only trying to point out that different approaches work for different kids. The one size fits all approach that programs use and pop psychology books preach doesn't always work.

My Father was quite strict and that worked fine for me. I'm in my middle 40s and so was raised during a time when corporal punishment was the norm both at home and in school.

Still, I trusted my Dad (still do) and although we had our verbal confrontations during those tough teen years, he never waivered and I never felt belittled or disrespected.

I think the key is in the trust and respect areas. I always respected my Father because he set a good example of what a good man should be. You know, the old 'tough but fair' kind of guy.

At the same time, I would never hit my child, and my parenting style is much different than my Father's. Despite my leniency, my Father has told me that I'm a good Father.

[AtomicAnt]

Sorry, forgot to log in. That was me.

[Anonymous]

another HLA troll

sounds like kathleen or Jeff Hollowway or John Mcmilllon