Sense of Under Achievement

[Woof-a-Doof]

I found this in my files (8/14/05) and thought I might continue the thought, albeit a wee bit choppy?a lil self deprecating and brings about a feeling of exposure?like handing yall the razor, then exposing my throat. I still feel compelled to ask, explain or just see if any one else has an idea of what I am talking about.
Of course I was in Straight?it might be fair to note at this point I have ADD w/o Hyperactivity?and that the over all sense of ?under-achievement? has been attributed to ADD as a classic trait. So it?s kind of a ?Which came first, chicken or the egg? question in my mind. Was this need to achieve unattainable vague goals a product of ADD?or from my experience in Straight and the bullshit immediately after? Was/is the exceptionally low tolerance for failure and the accompaniments of rage more characteristic of the ADD or the Straight incarceration? Are the absolutely demoralizing moments brightened by chatter of memories of Straight?s Expectations?

A question that has occupied my mind for a few weeks, although rather difficult to articulate, it seems necessary to ask if only to see if I am alone in this.

The question is one of ?under achievement?.

I think of the two words, ?potential? and ?capacity?, they may come into play later in this writing, but I am not sure at this point.
Whilst in Straight, there was a need to achieve, although the obvious achievement desired was to be released from Straight, this which I speak of is to me seems less than obvious.  

To appear, ?as if? I were doing something, I had to make it ?as if? I were going somewhere. ?As if? my life had a particular direction, which at 14-15 years old, I had no earthly idea what that would be. Actually, the plan seemed to work, in the sense that it would accelerate my release.

My vague plan was to go into the medical field, which there was some interest in, but that as far as it went really. In my time there were a few examples that would seem to prove my theory. One individual, when of age had every intention of going into the Marine Corp, which he did. He was the apple of all the parents eye, he was the crown jewel in the staff?s repertoire. Simply put, he was the star child. And his time in Straight seemed at the time, to be incredible shorter than others?including myself.

There was another guy (Steve And**r**ews) who excelled in school, not a bad looking guy and no defiance or disruptions. He had his eyes set on going to college at Ball State, or Ball U. something like that. I don?t recall that he was of the same ?Star Child? caliber as the guy I mentioned earlier, but his program seemed to zip by as well.

All the time in my program I had this idea that ?they? wanted me to be something, obviously other than I was. I was supposed to change, ok, what ever, but what was I to change into? I was to be something other than I was, which in hindsight seems ludicrous because I didn?t know who I was at the time and to survive and ?achieve? release, I had to be something other than I was. Now I ask the reader, does that make sense?

College, well, that didn?t go well; my first semester proved that I had literally bullshitted my way through high school. It is worth mentioning (if only for the irony) that I was second in my class (another Straight-ling was first in our graduating class). I had achieved admission into a Southern Ivy League school?but didn?t do more than that. I walked away an academic failure?well what really happened was getting hooked up with the senior chemistry majors. Ahem?that?s another story?another post?I digress.

I then joined the sub-marine corps I had no grand plan, other than to get the hell out of Dodge and to that end...I succeeded. There were no plans of making a career out of the military and yet another irony was the fact that I despised the entire notion of joining into the military. I had even turned down two appointments, one to the Citadel and one to the Air Force academy in Colorado. (which infuriated my dad to no end?he was full bird colonel in Air Force) Then my MOS was a cook, a cook aboard a 364 foot submarine. My dad, to this day hasn?t really accepted my decisions of that time period. He really wanted me to be something?although what that ?something? was never really clear?kind of like Straights expectations of me.

Even later in life as my urge to create began to surface. There was an almost immediate reaction that I must somehow market to the public, to make a name for myself. Again vague expectations began to fall upon me. What saddens me is that I adopted many of these ideals. Somehow, the fun had been robbed from my time creating.

What if I was simply taught I was a good person? What if I was taught that I was always a good person regardless of mistakes I have made and successes I have I had. Rather than hearing I had such ?potential? which in itself is a un-achievable expectation?had I have learned of the ?CAPASITY? that is inherently my own, individual abilities that only I have?that there was nothing to achieve to be exactly what I was/am.

What would have happened?if I was allowed to mature at the age appropriate time?under normal circumstances?w/o coercion, fear and desperately chasing undefined un-attainable ideals that always brought about failure?which was un acceptable.

A friend, who knew me once said to me, ?your not having your second childhood, your having your first? I was 35 when I heard that. I believe it to this day. It is disheartening that 35 years were spent trying to obtain other peoples un-defined aspirations into something other than which I am not. At 43 I find myself with the feeling of ?now what??shit, according to Straight and 12step doctrine expectations I should be dead. I certainly wasn?t supposed to live this long. I didn?t plan of living this long, and so I am un prepared in some areas?currently scrambling to build what many folks began in their early 20?s?

It?s all good?I have learned valuable lessons and created many phenomenal memories. I may never really been prepared for life, yet I have always found time to live it. I am a good person, that can not be changed by any failure? I am not defined by what I have and I am not less of a person for that which I have lost. Straight, 12 steps did not bring about this understanding?acceptance and the maturation process did.

I have never been comfortable with the victim role. The same evidence that would point to me being that victim is the same evidence I see that ?explains? who and what I am. Existentialism?

Ooops?.Pistons & the Cavs 12:30?.gotta go

[starry-eyed pirate]

Right On Brother!  Keep On.   ::dove::

[Anonymous]

It always helps to know that someone out there thinks like you,thanks.Myself a POW,I too at 30 am scrambling to build what other people my age have well under control.It was as if at 13 any form of my childhood was over, stripped away leaving a gaping bloody semblance of self, my ghost.My family acted as if straight never happened which was convienient for them but i swear since just yesterday,I like them always wondered what my f**ing problem was.Part of me knew but after my hellish stay the subject was so taboo I had no justification for all my psychotic thoughts.Big mistake and no one to blame,never did drugs, so sorry baby all a big mistake.I didn't know there were so many of us out there , experiencing life through the the same web as I.under achiever?My mother will say anything stil not to attribute any of my failures and f-ups to straight.I'm manic depressive, bi polar oh wait its borderline personality that's it.I will always be the misbehavor and when the knuckles of life are in my back now I STILL claw at its eyes with everything I have.I too, wonder at the might have beens.My grand experiment now is to raise my kids with every possible opposite of what was drilled into me.My artisic vision squashed only until this year,I am finally in film school and plans to make an animated film about our experiences have been in the works for 17 years.Will it make a difference?Probably not but I have just recently discovered the ability "hope".So glad to meet you guys, Angie

[dragonfly]

[Woof-a-Doof]

Starry---your always an encouragement! Somehow I know, or sense that you have carried this post with you in thru your day...mulling over this and that...trying to formulate the words. I anxiously await anything else you may have to add.

3Springs---I am glad you enjoyed the post.

Anonymous (Angie)---Welcome! Like the feeling I had about Starry, taking the words and absorbing the emotions and the intent behind them will be with me the next day or two. You words are hauntingly familiar, and yet they will still have to be digested more. I am thrilled to have yet another aritist in our midst! Both hope and dispair are products of our imagination. Hope does not spring eternal, but is manufactured and destroyed by our own thoughts and desire.

Dragonfly---I can not help but think that you, Starry and I are cut from the same cloth in many many ways.

I see that "razor edge of grief and sorrow" as a body of water flowoing tween the embankments of Fear and Love. I am in constant touch with both yet neither of them hold me and I continue to flow along...meandering aimlessly...seemingly at least. I count you as friend.

[Troubled Turd]

I see that "razor edge of grief and sorrow" as a body of water flowoing tween the embankments of Fear and Love. I am in constant touch with both yet neither of them hold me and I continue to flow along...meandering aimlessly...seemingly at least. I count you as friend.

[Anonymous]

Bob, are you Woof-a-Doof? or is that 85Dj? I never know who is who is who I get consufed.

Whoever you are W-a-D, I like your original post.

No, you are not a victim by identifying yourself.  That is what people do. I had to have a few years of counseling when I started remembering the horrors at Straight. I started asking myself why I was such a fuck up when I came from a military family and had smart people around me.

The doctor also, among other diagnoseze, said I had what is known as sleep apnea and also something you are all probably familiar with if not in medical terms: Explosive Disorder. This disorder comes out at the wrong times. It was developed long after family arguments and yelling matches came into being. It was developed in Straight Inc., we know it as confrontation.

So who am I? I am a creative person with unique and personal talents, and I am also a survivor of Straight Incorporated. That is who I am. Yes, I am just piecing the pieces together and getting a life that others already have. The truth is that others our age are simply better at faking their way through public affairs. The average amount of 30somethings are having just as bad a time as any of us with their disabilities, their need to identify themselves through the debacle of childhood, teens, and tweens. I am a full fledged young adults now. We are no longer simply defined as survivors of Straight Inc. I am more than that, and also never less.

Credit hassles, relationship hassles, school hassles, other hassles like psychological ones such as being in my head alot and wishing for peace and quiet and does anyone else understand what I am and where I've come from and where I'm going? Yes. It is true that most of this can be attributed to post trauma as a result of Straight. And that does not make me a victim when I bring it up in conversation especially to family. And I mean that quite literally.

I think that in conversation I should take pride in the fact that I am a survivor of Straight Incorporated and a survivor of child abuse. I am lucky because I've put guns to my head and they jammed, lucky that I didn't have the balls to stroke the razor hard enough and that I didn't have a big enough hair dryer that dropped into the bathtub back as a teen. I want people to know who I am not merely out of some kind of pride, but it's kinda wicked to try and circumvent that sort of thing.

I feel a sort of personal bond in some way with you b/c we spent our time in a child chopshop.  

It is time to re associate these situations with new and exciting, happy emotions. That is the only way through it. It will be easier for me, for us, to do this now that we are grown and nobody can fucking touch us ever again. I am very curious to know how I might get into an Ivy League school. Contact me at [email protected]

[Anonymous]

If the 'Bob' you're referring to was the guy in St. Pete who was the former biker with the tattoo that was removed thus resulting in this horrific scare that was picked at ...

If so ... hi Bob!

[Woof-a-Doof]

Anon---"Bob, are you Woof-a-Doof? or is that 85Dj? I never know who is who is who I get consufed"

No, 85DJ and myself are two different people. 85DJ and I were locked up together in Straight and we were also room mates shortly after graduation/7Stepping.

When they pegged me for ADD w/o Hyperactivity I was also diagnosed with Explosive Temper Disorder. Which still freaks me out to this day! The word "explosive" is not a term that seems like it "fits" into how I percieve myself. I have always seen myself very laid back, almost sloth like...and so when the "Explosive Temper" manifests it is tottaly surprizing to me as it is to any one around me. You said that it comes out at the "wrong times"...Yeah, no shit!

You also said, "other hassles like psychological ones such as being in my head alot and wishing for peace and quiet and does anyone else understand what I am and where I've come from and where I'm going?"

Quite simply, no. My experience is that no one understands "what I am and where I've come from and where I'm going". The exception to this is those who have been incarcerated in Straight and Straight like programs. People whose lives were disruted and ripped out from underneath them...those are the ones that understand me and like wise...I understand them. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers...except for maybe cats/dogs and other pets. Sounds silly and feels even more bizarre to note that a fully grown mature man finds the most comfort, understanding and unconditional love from his cats (Rotties in the past) than other human contact. I saw a bumper sticker once and I tottaly agree with it..It said, "The more people I meet, the more I love my cats"

Something else in regard to the over all jest of this thread...My surname. When I began creating and participating in other web forums particular to digital art, I needed a "signature", something unique, something never used and could not be confused with any others surname/signatures. And of course I wanted my web site to be unique as well, so that it could be easily found and not confused or associated with other sites.

And so, the name Woof-a-Doof came into existance. For me it is like the Ying Yang concept. It seems to me that then and now, I stumble across some thought or revelation and I am just floored by the profundity of it. I am amazed by myself (not to sound conceited) at times. That explains the "Woof" part. Other times I am sooo dense and the mearly obvious will elude me....I feel like a complete moron, hense the "Doof" part. (of course it should be noted my brother had always called me "Dufus") Latin translation for Woof-a-Doof...Wufus-a-Dufus

Ya also mentioned "We are no longer simply defined as survivors of Straight Inc. I am more than that, and also never less." Defining myself is an ongoing process. I have found it easier to use a process of negation to define myself. I am not ____, I am not ___ and so I am what ever is that I am not. I am not defined by my art, the art is something I do. I am not defined as a Straight survivor, Straight was something I experienced. I am not the experience. Not to sound, as if I have Multiple Personalities, but there are two aspects of myself. I am, and what I do...these are two different things. We were not taught to be happy and or content with who/what we are. We were taught to be something, to change, to achieve...but never to investigate who/what we are and to be happy in that. It is here that I think the greatest disservice was done to us.

Namste

[Sam Kinison]

Woof,flatulence is a form of explosivity,henceforth the headshrinkers once-again pegged you right!!!!!

Love always,
Sam

[Sam Kinison]

Sorry for the prior quip,showing my contempt for psycho-analysis.I wish that these experts would show us how to be happy on a daily basis rather than tell me who they think I am.They can't so they won't!For me the greatest disservice done to me,by Straight,was the lie.Truth,I was on a suicidal path(I was not a six-time pot-smoking teeny-bopper).Many of my former,pre-Straight acquaintances have extensive prison records and one my stepsisters,whose mother sat and did nothing,died at 37 of a heart attack,neither a giantess nor obese.I'm not saying Straight was the answer(DUH!!!),I'm saying,unlike many former clients(victims),I really was in serious trouble.The problem was,I was not a drug addict.I used drugs,but in my case,drugs were a symptom,not the problem.Later on,I spoke with somebody who was on exec staff upon my 7 step day and is now running a program herself.I told her my dilemma.Here I was,doing well outwardly,living with this problem.I told her,not being in denial,I drink occasionally(in truth,rarely)and almost never hit on a joint.Other substances are out of the question and never experience any cravings in any form.In other words,in my case,substance abuse is not an issue.Her words,to my surprise,were "Straight treats very few true addicts!".I thanked her for clearing that up for me.The problem is,I believed that,by finishing Straight,I would be equipped to face all the challenges that I was confronted with before my intake and face any new challenges as well.They showed me nothing except that substance abuse was not an answer.Here I was,believing that I could move mountains when in reality,I was lucky to get my car started.More on this another time.

[linchpin]

Everyone is worthless ...in a way. You will only reach true enlightenment and achievement when your eyes glaze and you take that last breath.

[Woof-a-Doof]

On 2006-05-15 04:28:00, linchpin wrote:

"Everyone is worthless ...in a way. You will only reach true enlightenment and achievement when your eyes glaze and you take that last breath.
"

I agree, we see the same end from different angles. I think "worthless"-ness will vary on degrees of value. Self-value, self imposed value....err, the value is what I assign to "it". Lemme try this another way...

For sake of arguement, lets say everything is equal...at best, neutral. If "somthing" is percieved as "bad" or "good"..."right" or "wrong", it is because I have given that "something" a "value" of "good/bad" or "right/wrong". So, if this idea is true for others as I have found it to be. Then "everything" is neutral. Without worth, other than that I have asigned to it.

If your second sentence is also true (which I think it is)...then why is it not available to us now? If that enlightenment is what it is...then it will be everlasting. And if it is "everlasting" then it existed before I came into consciousness. Something that is "everlasting" doesn't not exist while I am in this concious life or is inaccessible?

I think in analogies, so kinda work with me here. If silence, can be equated with permanence...Think of a bell ringing... after the bell has been struck, the vibration ceases and the bell returns to silence. So there is nothing to "achieve" to become silent.

Thats kinda the whole jest of what I think I am getting at, with the whole "sense of underachievement" thing. I had run around trying to do, to achieve what ever it was that was expected of me and never quite found the ability to pull that off. Then I found myself wondering what it was that I wanted to do, what I wanted to be...and to be honest I never really found out what that was either. Ultimately I turned my minds eyes attention inward. Essentually I called off the search. I stopped all of the disciplines, the meditations, the readings, the guru chasing and all the other things associated with that search...I said fuck it.

So, there i was, nothing finacially, nothing socially, and nothing spiritually. I was free. Immediately I was consumed with fear, because what I thought was freedom, was security or lack there of....But I said fuck it, so I simply experienced the fear untill fear disapated. Now I simply go thru life, I experience all of it, and yet I am not defined by that which I experience.

SK, ya said, "Here I was,believing that I could move mountains when in reality,I was lucky to get my car started."

Yeah, I hear ya...the first few things I ventured into I charged ahead with all the full blown arrogance that was instilled in me from Straight. I quickly found out that that shit just don't fly in the real world. The reality check on that idea bounced big time.

In regard to the idea "wish that these experts would show us how to be happy on a daily basis rather than tell me who they think I am. They can't so they won't!"

Your right...they couldn't, parents couldnt, legal systems couldn't, education systems couldn't, spirtual systems couldn't, and social systems couldn't.....But they all try to tell me how to be "happy" and what they "show" are thier expectations. Don't meet thier expectations? Loser! Sinner! or some other connotation of dismisal, based of laws of exclusion...........FUCK THAT.

In all 12 stepcraft circles there is a Shakespearean  quote that say's "To thine own self be true" But no one is really encouraged to find that "self" that they are to be true to. Gawd forbid one actually think for themself, and be true to that...abide in that, and be in peace.

Nuff said for now...I got art to do....and DETROIT BASKETBALL

[Sam Kinison]

Woof,
Reminds me of an old TV show,written by the cartoonist/satirist James Thurber called "This is my World,and Welcome to IT!",except I'm writing my own little Black Comedy called "Its my world,and you're NOT necessarily WELCOME to IT!!".After realizing that all of my programming and other externally instilled BS was always placed there with other agendas in mind,I've reverted to as much of an isolationist outlook as,my version of,common sense dictates.I now live in 3rd World country,making by their standards,an excellent living.By design,I have as little contact with other human beings as possible,only as much as necessary.My social world consists of primarily in these castes
 1)Those I know and love,including family,friends and pets.
 2)Strangers I don't know,therefore I feel a sense of tolerable indifference,like I know what they're thinking,but they don't know what I'm thinking(I'm a Gringo after all).
 3)Those I know,don't and probably never will love.I permit them to speak to me,but a distance must always be maintained.
 4)Those I know and consider undesirable.I consider them to be society's users,abusers and predators.I don't have any patience for these types and thus consider my demons more to be like my guardian angels,suitable to be unleashed on these types.
     Straight tried to convince me me that I should expect people to love me for "Who I Am",so to say.Reality is that the world doesn't care unless you have something it needs or want.I learned for myself that I alone could only discover what that was and try to get the most I could for it,then accept the best if that wasn't enough.most of all,never forget that the Sun will rise another day and today is a good foundation for tommorrow.
     Being a father instilled realistic expectations,first of all caring for my physical self,hopefully to be there for them until adulthood.Second,trying to provide an example for my kids that life,albeit imperfect,deserves our best shot.I will never turn my back on any of them.They're both bright enough to attend Ivy League institutions in time,but unlike the wonderful elders in my life,I won't be disappointed if they choose to attend JC or trade school instead.My best shot,and theirs,is just to cope,function,and smile daily and try to put those devils and limitations,once we recognize them,in a little bag mentally and try to cast them adrift.
     Such decades of conditioning don't go easily,maybe never,but they can be dealt with.Try to control the hostility,as that almost always ends up being self-destructive.A little chuckle mentally,then thinking "Fuck off",usually suffices.More often than not,I'm still in charge.I don't argue much anymore as I realize that almost nobody truly cares about the facts.Now,I have learned a wonderful retort saying "Well,I see that we're just going to have to agree to disagree!!".Try that some time.Woof,it even works with your parents.It's like taking the gun right out of their hands.