Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > Hyde Schools

I lost my virginity at Hyde.

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Anonymous:
I have to be at work at 8:45 AM tomorrow morning (well, today in 2 minutes as of now), but after having discovered this forum, I simply cannot sleep without posting.

I'm 18 years old, working a job and graduating high school this month, and I attended Hyde (Bath) as a freshman (2002-2003). Although Hyde helped me in some ways, the ways in which it hurt me greatly outweigh those.

I was 14 years old when I lost my virginity, while I was a student at Hyde. There was a boy, we'll call him *Bob, whom I had a stupid, childish crush on, for whatever reason. *Bob pretty much ignored my existance completely...

until this one day.

I was at the nurse's office trying to get out of Sports, which I did quite often. I hated Sports. I was completely out-of-shape and had huge body-image issues, so nothing in the world to me was more torturous/humiliating than putting on sweats or gym-shorts and running around for two hours in front of a group of my peers. (Typical adolescent stuff, really.) In any event, everyone knew; everyone knew about my "attitude" regarding Sports...and everyone knew I'd do anything to get out of going.

On this particular fall afternoon, I had (once again) decided to go to the nurse's station instead of going back to the dorm to change for Sports...and I was about to walk in, when I noticed *Bob coming up behind me. I turned around, and he said hi to me. Elated that he was even speaking to me, I immediately accepted his invitation to "come skip Sports"... It was all too perfect. (And anyone who's been to Hyde knows that it's not like any normal high school; you can't just "skip" anything... Doing so will usually result in instant 2/4...)

Side by side, we strolled right off the campus and started walking through Bath. I could barely contain my excitement. I tried my best not to let on how excited I was, though I'm sure it was blatently obvious.

We were chatting casually, and we started talking about the Ethics...which ones we agreed with, which ones we thought sucked... Naturally, the first two that came up were drugs and...you guessed it, sex.

When he asked me what I thought about the Sex Ethic, I just shrugged and said, "Oh, yeah. IT SUCKS!" ... I did NOT tell him that I'd never had sex; I'd never even seen a penis... (Obviously, he didn't like the Sex Ethic, and I wanted to impress him, you know, look cool...)

Needless to say, I nearly had a heart attack when he looked me right in the eye and asked, "Wanna break it?"

"Ummmm," came out of my mouth first. I mean, I couldn't believe what was happening; it was so surreal... The day before, this kid wouldn't even LOOK at me (though I'm sure he knew I liked him, everyone did; I wasn't exactly subtle) and now...he was asking me to have SEX with him??!?? ... I made a bunch of incoherent noises (he smiled the whole time) before I managed to sqeuak out, "Yeah! Okay," at which point he informed me that he "knew a place".

So

I followed him to the Waterfront, where he took me to the public restroom. He told me he was going to  go in. He told me to wait half a minute, and then  go in, too.
He did.
I did.

For a breif second, we just sort of awkwardly stood there, staring at each other, and then before I could say a word, his mouth was covering mine. I remember thinking maybe I didn't like him anymore, because it wasn't a nice, connecting sort of kiss, not at all... He was violently shoving his tongue down my throat. I felt like I was suffocating.

He took off his pants.

He pulled my skirt down,
underwear down,
shirt up.

He pushed me on the floor, which was tile and absolutely freezing. A South Floridian, what I remember most
is how fucking cold that floor was.

No words were spoken.

I kind of wanted him to stop, and I kind of didn't. But I kind of did. Okay, I really did. In any event, I didn't stop him. I let it happen.

And it happened. And he hurt me. It hurt so badly, SO FUCKING BAD. It was the worst pain I have ever felt. (But I suppose, as a female, losing your virginity hurts no matter what.)

I barely got a glimpse of him before it went in. Big, red thing, his penis was. I screamed. He told me to be quiet. But it hurt so, so fucking bad... For the most part, I held back my screams, just kind of whimpered quietly.

At first, I looked up at his face, but it started to scare me, so I turned my head to the side, towards the sink, while he was hurting me

hurting hurting hurting hurting, I started to cry,
and then

it was over.

He was pulling his pants up.
Speechless, I stared at him for a moment,

pulled my skirt up,
underwear up,
shirt down.


As soon as we got out of the bathroom, he spoke. He was telling me not to tell anyone, telling me to swear not to... I agreed not to tell, no matter what. I sweared.

Heading back to Hyde, he began to casually talk about our "cover story", where we could we say we were, what we should say we were doing. I didn't understand how he could go back to talking so casually, like nothing had happened...

My heart was beating fast, and I was still in pain between my legs...

And we were almost back at Hyde when
Mr. Bragg drove by.

He pulled over and told us to get in the car. I let *Bob do all the talking, answer all the questions... He said something about studying, us studying? I stared out the window and kept quiet. I knew if I said anything, everything would come pouring out.

Bragg dropped *Bob at his dorm. Then it was just the two of us in the car, and he asked me again what had happened,

but I said,
"Nothing".

He dropped me off, and
...that was it. He didn't put  me or *Bob on 2/4.
He didn't do much of anything.

When I saw Hunter that night after dinner, he'd gone back to ignoring me. Whenever I saw him, I didn't know what to do...

The next day, I told a Senior that me and *Bob had sex... I did NOT tell him what it was like, or that it was my first time... This Senior took me to the nurse's station for a pregnancy test.

Thankfully, I wasn't pregnant... But
I pissed blood into their little, plastic cup. (And I didn't have my period.) The nurse who took it just looked at me and said, "THAT'S NOT NORMAL." (As far as I know, she didn't tell anyone about it.)

Hunter said I was making it up because I'd had a crush on him...which was believable because I actually HAD had a crush on him, and
people knew that... Because they didn't know who was lying, they put us both on 2-4...together.

They'd always seat me right next to him on the bleachers, with only a few feet of air between us. Whenever the proctors weren't watching, I'd beg him to tell the truth, and he'd insult me, call me a stupid bitch, tell me how no one would ever believe me, how I shouldn't have said anything, how I'd gone against my word, how I was a slut, disgusting, no better than the shit beneath his shoe. I would choke back tears. Sometimes I would cry, unable to hold them back. But the moment a proctor turned around, he would be all silent and still as an angel, looking at them, kinda shrugging while I sobbed and shook, sort of like, "See, told you she's crazy!"

And sometimes, when I cried,
he would laugh.


Some people knew the truth, but the majority believed him over me. Every day for the rest of the year, I had to listen to people accuse me of lying. Not only had I been hurt, but I was made to believe I wasn't even good enough TO be hurt in that way; I felt worthless, filthy, subhuman.

Every day for the rest of the year, I had to see his face, take his abuse. Every day for the rest of the year, random people would ask me if it was true.

To this day no one at Hyde knows what really happened, nor do they give a shit.

Anonymous:
Holy shit, I'm unable to edit this, but towards the end...when I said "Hunter", I meant "*Bob". !!! GAHHHH. :scared:  :cry2:

Anonymous:

--- Quote ---On 2006-05-06 23:02:00, Anonymous wrote:

"I have to be at work at 8:45 AM tomorrow morning (well, today in 2 minutes as of now), but after having discovered this forum, I simply cannot sleep without posting.



I'm 18 years old, working a job and graduating high school this month, and I attended Hyde (Bath) as a freshman (2002-2003). Although Hyde helped me in some ways, the ways in which it hurt me greatly outweigh those.



I was 14 years old when I lost my virginity, while I was a student at Hyde. There was a boy, we'll call him *Bob, whom I had a stupid, childish crush on, for whatever reason. *Bob pretty much ignored my existance completely...



until this one day.



I was at the nurse's office trying to get out of Sports, which I did quite often. I hated Sports. I was completely out-of-shape and had huge body-image issues, so nothing in the world to me was more torturous/humiliating than putting on sweats or gym-shorts and running around for two hours in front of a group of my peers. (Typical adolescent stuff, really.) In any event, everyone knew; everyone knew about my "attitude" regarding Sports...and everyone knew I'd do anything to get out of going.



On this particular fall afternoon, I had (once again) decided to go to the nurse's station instead of going back to the dorm to change for Sports...and I was about to walk in, when I noticed *Bob coming up behind me. I turned around, and he said hi to me. Elated that he was even speaking to me, I immediately accepted his invitation to "come skip Sports"... It was all too perfect. (And anyone who's been to Hyde knows that it's not like any normal high school; you can't just "skip" anything... Doing so will usually result in instant 2/4...)



Side by side, we strolled right off the campus and started walking through Bath. I could barely contain my excitement. I tried my best not to let on how excited I was, though I'm sure it was blatently obvious.



We were chatting casually, and we started talking about the Ethics...which ones we agreed with, which ones we thought sucked... Naturally, the first two that came up were drugs and...you guessed it, sex.



When he asked me what I thought about the Sex Ethic, I just shrugged and said, "Oh, yeah. IT SUCKS!" ... I did NOT tell him that I'd never had sex; I'd never even seen a penis... (Obviously, he didn't like the Sex Ethic, and I wanted to impress him, you know, look cool...)



Needless to say, I nearly had a heart attack when he looked me right in the eye and asked, "Wanna break it?"



"Ummmm," came out of my mouth first. I mean, I couldn't believe what was happening; it was so surreal... The day before, this kid wouldn't even LOOK at me (though I'm sure he knew I liked him, everyone did; I wasn't exactly subtle) and now...he was asking me to have SEX with him??!?? ... I made a bunch of incoherent noises (he smiled the whole time) before I managed to sqeuak out, "Yeah! Okay," at which point he informed me that he "knew a place".



So



I followed him to the Waterfront, where he took me to the public restroom. He told me he was going to  go in. He told me to wait half a minute, and then  go in, too.

He did.

I did.



For a breif second, we just sort of awkwardly stood there, staring at each other, and then before I could say a word, his mouth was covering mine. I remember thinking maybe I didn't like him anymore, because it wasn't a nice, connecting sort of kiss, not at all... He was violently shoving his tongue down my throat. I felt like I was suffocating.



He took off his pants.



He pulled my skirt down,

underwear down,

shirt up.



He pushed me on the floor, which was tile and absolutely freezing. A South Floridian, what I remember most

is how fucking cold that floor was.



No words were spoken.



I kind of wanted him to stop, and I kind of didn't. But I kind of did. Okay, I really did. In any event, I didn't stop him. I let it happen.



And it happened. And he hurt me. It hurt so badly, SO FUCKING BAD. It was the worst pain I have ever felt. (But I suppose, as a female, losing your virginity hurts no matter what.)



I barely got a glimpse of him before it went in. Big, red thing, his penis was. I screamed. He told me to be quiet. But it hurt so, so fucking bad... For the most part, I held back my screams, just kind of whimpered quietly.



At first, I looked up at his face, but it started to scare me, so I turned my head to the side, towards the sink, while he was hurting me



hurting hurting hurting hurting, I started to cry,

and then



it was over.



He was pulling his pants up.

Speechless, I stared at him for a moment,



pulled my skirt up,

underwear up,

shirt down.





As soon as we got out of the bathroom, he spoke. He was telling me not to tell anyone, telling me to swear not to... I agreed not to tell, no matter what. I sweared.



Heading back to Hyde, he began to casually talk about our "cover story", where we could we say we were, what we should say we were doing. I didn't understand how he could go back to talking so casually, like nothing had happened...



My heart was beating fast, and I was still in pain between my legs...



And we were almost back at Hyde when

Mr. Bragg drove by.



He pulled over and told us to get in the car. I let *Bob do all the talking, answer all the questions... He said something about studying, us studying? I stared out the window and kept quiet. I knew if I said anything, everything would come pouring out.



Bragg dropped *Bob at his dorm. Then it was just the two of us in the car, and he asked me again what had happened,



but I said,

"Nothing".



He dropped me off, and

...that was it. He didn't put  me or *Bob on 2/4.

He didn't do much of anything.



When I saw Hunter that night after dinner, he'd gone back to ignoring me. Whenever I saw him, I didn't know what to do...



The next day, I told a Senior that me and *Bob had sex... I did NOT tell him what it was like, or that it was my first time... This Senior took me to the nurse's station for a pregnancy test.



Thankfully, I wasn't pregnant... But

I pissed blood into their little, plastic cup. (And I didn't have my period.) The nurse who took it just looked at me and said, "THAT'S NOT NORMAL." (As far as I know, she didn't tell anyone about it.)



Hunter said I was making it up because I'd had a crush on him...which was believable because I actually HAD had a crush on him, and

people knew that... Because they didn't know who was lying, they put us both on 2-4...together.



They'd always seat me right next to him on the bleachers, with only a few feet of air between us. Whenever the proctors weren't watching, I'd beg him to tell the truth, and he'd insult me, call me a stupid bitch, tell me how no one would ever believe me, how I shouldn't have said anything, how I'd gone against my word, how I was a slut, disgusting, no better than the shit beneath his shoe. I would choke back tears. Sometimes I would cry, unable to hold them back. But the moment a proctor turned around, he would be all silent and still as an angel, looking at them, kinda shrugging while I sobbed and shook, sort of like, "See, told you she's crazy!"



And sometimes, when I cried,

he would laugh.





Some people knew the truth, but the majority believed him over me. Every day for the rest of the year, I had to listen to people accuse me of lying. Not only had I been hurt, but I was made to believe I wasn't even good enough TO be hurt in that way; I felt worthless, filthy, subhuman.



Every day for the rest of the year, I had to see his face, take his abuse. Every day for the rest of the year, random people would ask me if it was true.



To this day no one at Hyde knows what really happened, nor do they give a shit. "

--- End quote ---


I'm really sorry to hear about the way you were sexually abused at Hyde. This sounds like a terribly painful experience.  It also sounds like you learned a lot from the experience, especially about why you were so vulnerable at the time.  Your description of the Hyde student who abused you suggests that he is your classic predator.  It sounds like he knew you were vulnerable and he took full advantage of that.  It sounds like he used you and exploited you the way too many guys do, especially when they figure out that a girl has low self esteem.  I hope you don't beat yourself up too much over this.  

My child was also recently abused at Hyde.  After that experience we decided to pull her out of Hyde.  We got the strong impression that Hyde is very good at the blame game and is full of staff who are quick to point fingers at students and parents.  We found a few Hyde staff who were understanding, but overall we were horrified by Hyde's insensitivity.  During our Hyde experience we ended up meeting quite a few teachers and administrators who were astonishingly judgmental and not supportive.  We later learned that many Hyde staff have major problems themselves, which probably explains why they hibernate at that school.  

I'm curious to know what you think of Hyde.  Does it work for most of the students there?  What's good about Hyde?  What is bad?  Did you meet many Hyde students who came to the school with major mental health problems?  Did they get the help they needed there?

Anonymous:
I too am very sorry about your experience at Hyde.  I first want to say that I was not thrilled reading all the sexual details of your incident, but I do believe you had a terrible experience losing your virginity to a boy who obviously took advantage of your vulnerability.

 Worse than the boy who took advantage of you was the schools reaction. They obviously knew about the talk yet did nothing to protect you or try to stop all the gossip. Interesting how they will go to great lengths for some things, but in other cases where it is warranted to take action, they do nothing.

The only thing I can say to try to make you feel better, is you are not alone.  Hyde has humiliated many kids who went through Hyde School and if nothing else I think it has made some of us stronger and more determined to be more sensitive to others in this world.  We all learn from our mistakes and you will learn from yours.  Unfortunately one of the lessons you had to learn is how cruel people can be even at a school where they teach "character."  

The whole idea of this website is to tell our stories both good and bad about Hyde.  I think your story shows us that Hyde School is not what they advertise themselves to be.  I think it also shows that Hyde is accepting most anyone into their program.  

You were humiliated by Hyde and the people who go there.  So was I.  We have to be grateful that we got out when we did.  I can tell you from experience, life goes on.  I haven't forgiven or forgot those who hurt me and my family.  Guess I could forgive if I felt those responsible were sorry, but at Hyde they think they are G-d and know better than anyone.  Don't forget this one important statement......HYDE IS NEVER WRONG!! At least they don't think they are, so in that regard Hyde School will never improve or change.

Anonymous:

--- Quote ---

I'm really sorry to hear about the way you were sexually abused at Hyde. This sounds like a terribly painful experience.  It also sounds like you learned a lot from the experience, especially about why you were so vulnerable at the time.  Your description of the Hyde student who abused you suggests that he is your classic predator.  It sounds like he knew you were vulnerable and he took full advantage of that.  It sounds like he used you and exploited you the way too many guys do, especially when they figure out that a girl has low self esteem.  I hope you don't beat yourself up too much over this.  



My child was also recently abused at Hyde.  After that experience we decided to pull her out of Hyde.  We got the strong impression that Hyde is very good at the blame game and is full of staff who are quick to point fingers at students and parents.  We found a few Hyde staff who were understanding, but overall we were horrified by Hyde's insensitivity.  During our Hyde experience we ended up meeting quite a few teachers and administrators who were astonishingly judgmental and not supportive.  We later learned that many Hyde staff have major problems themselves, which probably explains why they hibernate at that school.  



I'm curious to know what you think of Hyde.  Does it work for most of the students there?  What's good about Hyde?  What is bad?  Did you meet many Hyde students who came to the school with major mental health problems?  Did they get the help they needed there?"

--- End quote ---


Thank you for your compassion, and I'm glad to hear that you pulled your daughter out.

What I think of Hyde? Wow, that's a hard question; I have, very very strong mixed feelings...

Okay...I can't accurately answer this question without first explaining the situation (or, at least, attempting to)...

I live with my my father because my mom died when I was ten years old. After she died, I didn't deal with it...at all. But post traumatic stress disorder (and what had become a pretty severe depression) finally made themselves apparent when

somewhere around age 12, just after starting 7th grade, I stopped going to school. I would get in horrible, sometimes violent fights with my dad, and I started to develop a pretty bad substance-problem which started with prescription Xanax.


Since I barely went to school, I failed seventh grade (before I was always on honor roll, in all gifted classes), and by the time eighth grade (or at least, what should have been eighth grade for me) rolled around...I wasn't attending school at all. As you probably know, it is illegal to drop out of school before the age of 16 (truancy). A particular guidance counselor at my middle school took interest in me, and, for whatever reason, decided to get involved...

Apparently the law in Florida states that when a minor is so young, it is the parent/gaurdian's responsibility to ensure that the kid is in school. Personally, I think that's pretty unfair; my situation was NOT my father's fault. He did everything he could to try to control me, to try to make me go, but I wouldn't. In any event, this guidance counselor believed he was neglecting me, and wanted to get HRS involved...
 
If I didn't have my father...
I would have ended up in foster care, and the foster care system here--at least from what I've heard of it, from what I understand--is, to put it lightly, hell. My father HAD to get me into SOME kind of school program, quick, or he was going to lose me...  Like I'm sure most parents do, he did a lot of searching, consulted some people, blah blah...and decided on Hyde. I do believe that he wanted the best for me, and Hyde looked the best to him...but

he couldn't afford it... SO
he went to court to get the life-insurance money (left in my name from my mother dying),
to pay for Hyde.

That said...

Hyde put me back on grade level as a freshman. For that, I am extremely thankful.

HOWEVER

Did I get the help I needed? No. At that point in my life, (I can admit now that) I was a pretty disturbed individual. I had no desire to do anything. In the morning, I didn't want to wake up; I wanted to sleep forever, and I physically couldn't sleep at night without six or seven Xanax, minimum.

I needed serious psychological HELP. Instead, I recieved MORE psychological DAMAGE.

At Hyde, I picked up the habit of cutting myself, a practice I learned from fellow students. My reality became even more distorted. I was made to feel inferior. I was isolated, and, at the age of 14 (through 15) utterly ALONE, an object... I did not feel human. The Xanax was taken away cold turkey, with no kind of therapy at all. Food became my replacement for this; at mealtime I would eat as much as possible, because it was all I had to comfort myself, and then I was made to feel inferior/disgusting about my body (mostly BY STAFF); I eventually developed a mild eating-disorder which, chances are, would NOT have developed in a HEALTHIER environment.

Post-traumatic stress? Instead of recovering from that, or even reckognizing that I was suffering from it, I got traumatized again...cold bathroom floor and all the words that followed... Instead of healing, I got fresh wounds. Every day I felt trapped, hopeless, abandoned and misunderstood. Most of my peers (majority of which were rich, much older kids, coming from a totally different culture) looked down on me and abused me. Most of the staff (though one or two did genuilely care/make attempts at helping me without really knowing how) stopped ignoring me ONLY to chastise and humiliate. (My already-unhealthily-low self-esteem became almost non-existant.)

I do believe that (though many succesful Hyde students are simply good actors, caught in a sadomasohistic script)...Hyde does work for some people...the keyword there being "some". There ARE certainly a FEW kids who have actually been helped by it.  But that isn't enough to justify the damage it has done (and continues to do) to others, to kids like me. It has taken me years of therapy just to understand and begin to get past this, to be able to write about it now.

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