Posted: 2006-04-28 17:03:00
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Hi everyone
I really need your help, suggestions and previous experience and whatever you can help me with. I am near tears.
Update, my son Greg went to a wilderness for 7weeks, starting July 7th, 2005, then graduated, and I was there and all was fine, I came home and he went to a TBS in Spokane, WA. He will graduate on June 9th. I will be there for that too (Greg's Dad and I have been divorced since 1992, and he has decided not to go, (*******)! sorry for the language.
Anyway, Greg, my son will turn 18 on May 2nd., but will stay at the TBS and graduate on June 8th, and then will come home with me for a few days and drive back to OR, in a car that his Father is giving him (like a 1980 something white jeep). He will also live with his other grandparents and get a job for the whole summer in Oregon.
I am on anti-depressents, and panic pills and sleeping pills. Greg is on spring break, no, not with me (in Anchorage, AK), but with his Fathers Mother and her husband in OR, to look at one Community College in particular.
Two days ago, I talked to my son, and this call was all about airline tickets. His father bought an airline ticket for Greg to come to Anchorage on June 10th. Fine, so I wanted to make sure that I was on the same flights, and I found out that Greg's flights had changed, flight numbers and times, and I wrote an e-mail to his Father to let him know, he in turn called Greg and told him to check it out, that I didn't know what I was talking about.
Then of course my son called me, and told me I didn't know what I was talking about, and I told him I had just talked to reservations, .....etc, anyway, my son got me so upset, and he sided with his Father (his Father moved Greg out of his house when Greg was only staying there at his Fathers for 2 nights a week), but Greg always sides with his Father, even if he is wrong. That night I had a hard time sleeping, and felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin again, it was horrible. Now I know why, and the next day I was sick, all because of what happened on the phone with my son.
Also, I have started seeing someone, as of December 26th, 2005, and he is very nice, and helpful. Anyway, Greg knows, and he keeps asking me about my man (Troy), and why he is at my house, and I say that we are having dinner together, and doesn't Greg want me to be happy, and not lonely, but Greg says, he doesn't like him (Greg has never met my boyfriend), and he doesn't need to be there. This all just hurts me once again, and Greg stands his ground.
It is happening all over again, and I don't like it at all.
Tonight on the phone, Greg's other grandparents took him to see one of the community colleges that Greg applied to (with a dorm). I called Greg to see how he liked it, and he said it was good, and got to see the whole campus and dorms and a room too. Then it was as though he questioned everything I said, and he said he might want to go somewhere where there wasn't a dorm, and I asked him how he was going to pay for all of this?? He didn't know, and I told him that he needs to live in a dorm, and it was why, why why, and all this, and Dam him, he is getting to me all over again.
Have any of you been through something like this, especially you single Mom's dating someone your son or daughter has not met and actually prob. never will.
Just everything is getting to me, and I am crying more, and things are hard, and it is my son, Greg who is getting to me.
I am going to his high school graduation on June 9th, and will get there on the afternoon of the 8th, and will get him shortly there after. If Greg continues to have so many questions, and keeps repeating them on and on, I am going to be a wreck. I am the only one going, his Father isn't going to go, wow, prob. because his Russian wife won't let him.
So, how do I not let my son, once again control my life, or make me feel badly, or worse yet, get me into a panic mode. My son makes me feel badly for being happy with a new boyfriend.
Thanks for listening everyone, sorry this is so long. Any suggestions, help, whatever, I would appreciate.
Thank you
Leslie
>>> Leslie, I worked at a winderness/residential program and there was a very similar situation with a mother and her son. He would take any crumbs he could get from his father, and his mother, who did everything, was there for him and supported him through everything was always treated as the "enemy." He blamed her for everything, even though the one time he lived with his dad, it lasted for two weeks before his dad sent him back to his mom. Much of the way he treated and viewed his mom was through his dad's lack of responsibility - never being the support, only being the fun dad who goes on short fishing trips, etc... doing the easy stuff. But the mom would continue to take him back, try to make things better, panic about his poor decisions, and be hurt by his criticsm of her. I can't imagine how difficult that is as a mom who has put everything into her son, but she also had to come to the realization that he was an adult and she was allowing him to treat her that way. She's very sweet and we're still in touch on occassion. I'm not sure how her son is doing right now, but she's taking care of herself and that's the first message i think that needs to be sent. he would play the game between her and her ex and make her feel bad about moving on because it created the triangle he needed to not grow up (his dad taking virtually no responsibility and his mom taking too much responsibility). The sooner he learns that that game doesn't work, the better. Again, i can't imagine how difficult it must be, but the best advice i can give is to show him that you're going to take care of yourself and not destroy your own social life and well being just for him to go on being a child. if he doesn't want to live in a dorm, be straight forward with him - instead of focusing on it being a poor decision, tell him that if he's going to make that decision, it will bge his responsibility to find a job, figure out what to do, and grow up... and that you're not going to be his backbone. That you support him and love him but you won't support him making poor decisions for himself... and show him that you're moving on. If he has something to say about your boyfriend who he hasn't met, tell him you're happy and that's the end of the story. if he persists just to get under your skin, tell him you're ending the conversation and hang up or walk away. i wouldn't let the conversation go beyond the first comment he makes, because 1, it does no good to engage him in the conversation, and 2, I want you to take care of your own feelings as well. i hope this helps.
