Thanks to my time at the Academy at Swift River I have a number of sexual/intimacy issues. I have no problems socializing with strangers, making new friends, talking about any number of topics, except when it comes to romance. If I have no interest in someone, I have no problem. But because of the rules at ASR that forbid relationships, all sexual interaction, excessive body contact such as too much hugging, holding hands, etc., I am completely incapable of subtly expressing my interest in someone, or perceiving their level of interest. I either have to blurt out the whole "duhhhh, I like you" line, or avoid the topic completely. Any of my sexual interactions only happened if the other person made the first move.
It's funny, I can make a speech in front of a crowd without any preparation, make friends with almost anyone I meet, and I have an almost uncanny ability to get people I barely know to open up to me. I don't know how it works, but I've had a lot of acquaintances and almost complete strangers tell me things they've never told anyone else, because they say the feel comfortable. My skill with conflict resolution has diffused countless fistfights. My confidence and my silver tongue are two of my most salient attributes. But for some reason, I just can't flirt with either sex. I can't pick up signals, I don't have a clue how to give them, and I think a lot of this has to do with coming into the sexual parts of adolescence just as I was being sent to ASR. Right when I was starting to notice sexuality in general, my own specifically, ASR was sending a very strong message against sex, romance, etc. Most of the kids there had issues with being raped, molested, abused by a significant other, or watched spousal abuse by their parents. Add it all up, and most of my formative opinions and feelings on sex (at least those that develope at that point in a young man's life) were very negative. And post ASR I had a ridiculous amount of catching up to do, the social skills that I should've developed regarding sex were nonexistant.
I've never been in a relationship that lasted more than a few weeks/months. I'm 21 and still a virgin, since I've passed up numerous opportunities. I don't agree with it, but I can't seem to shake free of the ASR teachings in this area. They never said "no sex before marriage", but they were pretty much pushing that kind of mentality. If you absolutely HAD to have sex, it should be after being in a long term monogamous relationship, which you should wait a while after ASR to get into. Every time I've chosen not to have sex, it was from fear that I'd have horrible regrets about not waiting for the right person. Add the paranoia and trust issues that I have from my stay there, and every time I've thought about having sex with someone, the thought process has involved fear of the experience meaning nothing to them, and getting my heart broken, or feeling used and dirty. I think I've made a good choice in waiting, but only because I think that if I don't deal with some of these issues first, I'll end up paying for it later. I think if I'd had sex just to do it, I'd regret that as well, since my ability to enjoy intimacy is crippled at best, but mostly nonexistant. For the better part of my 5 years out of ASR, I've been almost entirely asexual, incredibly lonely, and totally unsure about what I should do. Thanks ASR, maybe I'd be better off if you'd just cut my nuts off. At least then I wouldn't have any clue what I'm missing out on.
