My Moral Inventories

[Anonymous]

I still have most of my moral inventories. All written in those little spiral binders.

I did them religiously, took them seriously and worked hard on them....once I figured out what they were for and got past the "forced homework".

Interesting reading now. Certainly full of cliché words and ideas yet amazing at how simple the issues were and how monumental they obviously seemed at the time.

I've always been a meticulous person and it is evident in these writings. I became passionate about the real motivations behind my thoughts and actions. I would dissect something I had thought or done to such a degree that I was left with real satisfaction of understanding myself.

Since then, I discovered that I have a propensity for intuitive understanding of personal actions. The thing I?ve found tough though, is focusing on the kernel of truth amidst the loud and distracting storm surrounding it.

The further I got from the seed days the harder it got to tune out the noise. There is a lot of bullshit in this world and I am amazed at how strong some people are in their beliefs based on erroneous thoughts.

[GregFL]

The further you got from the Seed the harder it was to tune out the noise...

Care to elaborate?

Please further explain your "intuitive understanding of personal actions".  Do you have a power most other people do not posess?  If so, where did you obtain this special power or knowledge?

Also, care to identify what erroneous thoughts here you are referencing?

On a personal note, my moral inventories were mostly done while I was fighting off the overwhelming desire to close my eyes and go to sleep.  I still remember moral inventory after moral inventory that had squiggly lines from where I had nodded off while writing.

[Anonymous]

HUH?
Is the world not a noisey place to you?

Intuitive is the opposite of mechanical. Some people are more mechanical than others. No special power, just a fact. Which are you?

"It's not my fault" - "The government owes me" - "Somebody had power over me" - "I could've been somebody" - etc. etc. are erroneous thoughts I run into all day every day. How about you? Do you find  people being mostly accurate or off on some odd trail?

I guess you were not as passionate about your moral inventories as I was. Passion still drive me...to the early hours as well as the late ones.

[Antigen]

Well, I do run into a lot of people who hold very staunchly to the crazy idea that drugs have power over them. Aside from that, though, no, I don't find the world to be all that dischordant, really. Sure, there's a lot going on. But it's a fascinating ride through the cosmos, don' you think?

I believe that human beings arrive on this Earth wanting to know absolutely everything, and the best thing we can do as parents is to get out of the way -- just be there to let them know what opportunities are there
-- Dorothy Werner, media liaison for the National Homeschool Association

[GregFL]

On 2006-01-15 09:16:00, Anonymous wrote:

"HUH?

Is the world not a noisey place to you?

Wel, I have a problem with terms Like "noisy" used in that context.  It can almost mean anything you want, can't it?  Hence, the question..I tend to be overly specific with my language..sue me.   :grin:

Intuitive is the opposite of mechanical. Some people are more mechanical than others. No special power, just a fact. Which are you?>

realistic and analytical.  Which leads me to wonder what the hell you mean by "intuitive is the opposite of mechanical". Sorry, I am having a problem getting on the same page with your meanings here.

 

"It's not my fault" - "The government owes me" - "Somebody had power over me" - "I could've been somebody" - etc. etc. are erroneous thoughts I run into all day every day. How about you? Do you find  people being mostly accurate or off on some odd trail?>

I encounter all types of people.  Some living in reality, others far off in some alternate reality from which I experience.

As far as those statements above.

"its not my fault"

well my friend, sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.  

"the government owes me"

In some contexts, it does.  I pay taxes, The government owes me protection, it "owes" me good roads, It "owes" me respect for the constitution.

"somebody had power over me"

Here we get to perhaps the heart of what you are trying to convey.  I would really like you to elaborate on what you mean by this, and why you think this is "noise" instead of a legitimate concern of some people.

I guess you were not as passionate about your moral inventories as I was.

Dude , I hated the Seed. I hated the dishonesty of being forced  to write down my supposed private thoughts and then have my parents review them while I was at the seed. Are you aware the parent's were told to do this, and to report any, problems or concerns back to staff?  So could you really write what you were feeling?  Hell no... for if you did, it was "refresher" or "start over" time unless you were a pure of heart seedling.

Therefore, you were forced to conform your Supposed inner feelings with the expectations of what you thought they wanted to hear, even at home, even in your bedroom with pen and paper in hand at 1:30 in the morning after hours and hours of confrontation therapy and exhausting raps.

 Here...let me write that I wasn't paying attention today in proper seed lingo..in case someone noticed me nodding off and then they can see I am aware of it and trying to fix it...let me write I am "not working my program and am recommitting" because maybe someone overheard me 'talking behind someone's back'.  How about tonight I write about the serenity prayer..no can't do I did that last night, don't want to look like I am fudging here. Let me explain how much I appreciate the people who are locking me up and forcing me to rat on all my old friends.

blah blah blah, meanwhile..back in my brain I was fighting exhaustion, rebellion, fear, and guilt for turning over most of what was left of Greg to the thought police.  No one was there to listen, no one was there to say "Greg, your private thoughts really are okay, you don't have to conform in order to be a good valuable person", or to even validate me in any manner except for my conforming to the seed ideal.  Moral inventories were an extension of the lie I was living, that I really believed all of the dopey hocus-pocus coerced therapy that I was partaking in.

 I only did for a short period of time, between the time I compromised my inner self and told myself I would con my way out, to the time I realized that I was playing a dangerous waiting game...would I graduate before they discovered I really hated, despised and resented every waking second I had to call myself a seedling?  Would somehow they peak into my brain and discover how deeply I hated them? Would they somehow discover the smile was no longer real? Could they tell my enthusiam to be called on was really phony and covering a deep fear of being called on and then come down on?  

But for a while, somewhere in there, I bought in, and for months I was a 'real seedling',  and It took me years to forgive myself for being so weak and for betraying myself.

 

I will tell you this, had I been 18 or 19 instead of 14, this would have never happened to me.  I would have been long long gone from the people who were raping my mind and holding me captive. In fact, at 16 I did leave and didn't speak to my father  until I was certain he couldn't weild this type of power over me again, some 4 years later.

To me, the "noise" got much much less threatening the further I got from the seed.

[Stripe]

Just my thoughts for Anon and others on the revered moral invetories.

First, go read some of the moral invetories posted on this site.  Then read yours.  Then tell me whether you see any significant difference between your detailed self-analysis and the writings of another seed kid.

My guess is that your inventories themselves will be formulaic and nearly identical. Is this intuitivness you credit yourself with really all that originial?  I was told by my old comer that I was not being honest when I could not understand how to arrive at the kernnel of truth needed to close out the inventory. The "kernel" being the Rule reinforcement that would answer the eternal WHY - why did I do that act, why did I feel that way, why, why, why.  Notice how moral invetories never were about what you thoughts or your thought processes?  Just feelings? Heaven forbid you should think or reflect.  Or use the words "I think" in a moral inventory.

The reason moral invetories felt like homework is because moral inventoried WERE home work.  Those moral invetories were lesson reinforcement. Those writings had not a darn thing to do with helping you or me discover or understand our own personal values at all. It was all about substitution of seed values for our own values.  And the less developed your value system was, the easier it was for them to do this to you.  

I guess, perhaps in her frustration, my old comer showed me what a "GOOD" moral inventory looked like.   Fortunately, I was smart enough to pickup the pattern and the circular reasoning and within a few days of that viewing, I was on my way home.  All self-renounced, fixed and emotionally flat - eating my 11:30 PM grilled cheese sandwich by myself and writing my moral inventory. Nice happy picture - not :roll: .

I remember this:  when I did write about any negative feelings, such as anger and loneliness because I was virtually friendless, by using the forumula, I was able to  bring that anger and loneliness around to an expression of some other acceptable emotion by linking it to some past behavior or attitude - some "druggie" fault in me. It could never have been  written that I just missed my friends or that I wished my parents would just let me be, or truth be told, after coming home from the seed, that I wished I just had never existed at all.    

It was all on me to make myself "happy" and that could be done only by following the rules, embracing the program, following the formula and seeking my love and light from the seed. Those were some dark times for me, my friends.

I knew those feelings of anger, loneliness and confusion were toally unacceptable and would plop me back on the front row.  It could never be written or said that I was angry, confused or lonely while I was at the seed.  Nothing negative, ever. So for me, those "moral inventories" were not helpful. They were control mechnisims used by the program to reinforce the faulty reasoning and lies of the seed.

Could the stuff you equate to "noise" these days be some other truths scratching through? Check it out -you've got nothing to lose. If you don't like what you hear, you can always stay with what you already know, no harm done.

[marshall]

anon wrote:
"I became passionate about the real motivations behind my thoughts and actions. I would dissect something I had thought or done to such a degree that I was left with real satisfaction of understanding myself."

That sounds great. I've kept a journal of sorts off and on for years and it can be useful in doing just what you describe. I still try to honestly examine my own motives, thoughts and actions. Unfortunately, the moral inventories that I wrote at the Seed were not really attempts at honest understanding. At best, any real insight was warped by having to have it conform to seed ideology. Mostly I just parroted what I heard in group. We were not really free or encouraged to openly examine our true thoughts or motives and follow where that might lead us since doing so might lead us to points of view or ideas at variance with acceptable program thinking.

--------quote---
"The further I got from the seed days the harder it got to tune out the noise. There is a lot of bullshit in this world and I am amazed at how strong some people are in their beliefs based on erroneous thoughts."
-------

Funny, I had just the opposite experience. The further I got from the influence of the seed, the easier I was able to honestly examine myself. The Seed regarded anything that contradicted or didn't fit their worldview as 'noise'. Who gets to determine which thoughts are erroneous? What is erroneous to me may seem to be absolute truth to you. To me, many of the beliefs I was encouraged to embrace at the seed were themselves based upon what I later determined to be erroneous thoughts.

[marshall]

Greg wrote:
"But for a while, somewhere in there, I bought in, and for months I was a 'real seedling', and It took me years to forgive myself for being so weak and for betraying myself."

Amen to that. Couldn't have said it any better. :nworthy:

[SurRobinHood]

After 14 months on my 10 to 10 that's alot of MI's to be scrutinized by oldcomers. I don't remeber many details but I do remember them being like home work. Math homework but with language. There were only a certain number of acceptable entries and it didn't take long to find them all. It was like a game of checkers as opposed to chess. You can play checkers with me all day and there are only two possable outcomes. I win or it is a draw. I know all the possable combinations so you cant win. A real moral inventory, as was invented by Benjiman Franklin believe it or not, has as many possable combinations as life itself. ie infinate. No dogma involved. Something to help you keep a plan going in life. Gosh, maybe I'll try doing them again......