On 2006-01-15 09:16:00, Anonymous wrote:
"HUH?
Is the world not a noisey place to you?
Wel, I have a problem with terms Like "noisy" used in that context. It can almost mean anything you want, can't it? Hence, the question..I tend to be overly specific with my language..sue me. :grin:
Intuitive is the opposite of mechanical. Some people are more mechanical than others. No special power, just a fact. Which are you?>
realistic and analytical. Which leads me to wonder what the hell you mean by "intuitive is the opposite of mechanical". Sorry, I am having a problem getting on the same page with your meanings here.
"It's not my fault" - "The government owes me" - "Somebody had power over me" - "I could've been somebody" - etc. etc. are erroneous thoughts I run into all day every day. How about you? Do you find people being mostly accurate or off on some odd trail?>
I encounter all types of people. Some living in reality, others far off in some alternate reality from which I experience.
As far as those statements above.
"its not my fault"
well my friend, sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.
"the government owes me"
In some contexts, it does. I pay taxes, The government owes me protection, it "owes" me good roads, It "owes" me respect for the constitution.
"somebody had power over me"
Here we get to perhaps the heart of what you are trying to convey. I would really like you to elaborate on what you mean by this, and why you think this is "noise" instead of a legitimate concern of some people.
I guess you were not as passionate about your moral inventories as I was.
Dude , I hated the Seed. I hated the dishonesty of being forced to write down my supposed private thoughts and then have my parents review them while I was at the seed. Are you aware the parent's were told to do this, and to report any, problems or concerns back to staff? So could you really write what you were feeling? Hell no... for if you did, it was "refresher" or "start over" time unless you were a pure of heart seedling.
Therefore, you were forced to conform your Supposed inner feelings with the expectations of what you thought they wanted to hear, even at home, even in your bedroom with pen and paper in hand at 1:30 in the morning after hours and hours of confrontation therapy and exhausting raps.
Here...let me write that I wasn't paying attention today in proper seed lingo..in case someone noticed me nodding off and then they can see I am aware of it and trying to fix it...let me write I am "not working my program and am recommitting" because maybe someone overheard me 'talking behind someone's back'. How about tonight I write about the serenity prayer..no can't do I did that last night, don't want to look like I am fudging here. Let me explain how much I appreciate the people who are locking me up and forcing me to rat on all my old friends.
blah blah blah, meanwhile..back in my brain I was fighting exhaustion, rebellion, fear, and guilt for turning over most of what was left of Greg to the thought police. No one was there to listen, no one was there to say "Greg, your private thoughts really are okay, you don't have to conform in order to be a good valuable person", or to even validate me in any manner except for my conforming to the seed ideal. Moral inventories were an extension of the lie I was living, that I really believed all of the dopey hocus-pocus coerced therapy that I was partaking in.
I only did for a short period of time, between the time I compromised my inner self and told myself I would con my way out, to the time I realized that I was playing a dangerous waiting game...would I graduate before they discovered I really hated, despised and resented every waking second I had to call myself a seedling? Would somehow they peak into my brain and discover how deeply I hated them? Would they somehow discover the smile was no longer real? Could they tell my enthusiam to be called on was really phony and covering a deep fear of being called on and then come down on?
But for a while, somewhere in there, I bought in, and for months I was a 'real seedling', and It took me years to forgive myself for being so weak and for betraying myself.
I will tell you this, had I been 18 or 19 instead of 14, this would have never happened to me. I would have been long long gone from the people who were raping my mind and holding me captive. In fact, at 16 I did leave and didn't speak to my father until I was certain he couldn't weild this type of power over me again, some 4 years later.
To me, the "noise" got much much less threatening the further I got from the seed.