wow.......{rubbing my forehead....}i can't believe it's you....i have always wondered what happened to you.you know,....we,you and i,are "joined at the hip"!we share a single incident that changed us forever....!i mean that!
how i did mine and why i did "it",are for the first time "up" for conversation....as i stated earlier....i did "it" 3 days after being there...i had been confronted harshly 2 times in the 2nd day there!which was of course,my 1st real day.....that night,i was thinking of "how" i could quickly "change" my parents mind about keeping me in that place! i knew they were still in the area because i hadn't even done one "introduction".....! then it hit me! my old comer,who didn't even look at my belongings,+ didn't lock my drawer,didn't know i had my shaving razors in there....when i put them in there,I didn't even think anything about them...I had never been to that "platue" in life before...but after i got hammered real bad...i knew i didn't want to be there and it looked like the only sure way to get my parents attention and have me sent to a mental ward...or whatever!i didn't really want to die,if i did,i wouldn't have done "it" in group;i wouldve done "it" in my "foster home" when everyone was asleep!i got up quietly and opened the drawer,broke the razor open and put them in my pants pocket!the next day came and went,it just wasn't the right time,or i couldn't muster the courage or i thought maybe my parents would come to thier senses>not! no,in truth,i was smart enough to know that if i did this,it would have to be a much larger scale thing!so, i waited till Monday at noon,went into the bathroom and cut my hand vein wide open....it took three guys to get me out of there...i was laughing insanly and spitting the blood i sucked out of my hand,all over the place.....there was a huge trail of blood dripping from my hand onto the floor,from the bathroom!the kids who saw this,probably a lot of them,were in awe of what i did!i don't think that had ever been done at str8 before,not in group. staff grabed me and quietly took me out of group.into a car with 2 oldcomers and then took me to a "dingy" blding....there,in a room,was a man i had never seen....then my parents came in...as he was stitching me up,i looked at my parents and said,this isn't a good place! this isn't a good place!looking for somthing in thier eyes that showed me they were thinking about what they were seeing.the oldcomers were clasping thier hands over mine and telling me to shut up and to my parents they said it was a game to get out of the program,not to listen to me....after a while i could see that they were listening to them....it blew my mind.it was then that i realised i was going to be there for a long long time....on my way back to str8,i knew that the only way i would ever get out was to really die....my parents really failed me there.....to me i didn't think they loved me anymore....when open meeting review came they tore into me like a group of sharks...no one asked why or how i did "it"! you know what the crazy part was? i STILL had the razors on me! i COULDV"E done "it" again!i had them on me for many days after that...i had no way to get rid of them without getting caught with them!...so much for "therapy"!something else thats worse,is that i never showed signs of that kind of behavior BEFORE i went in there!i thought my parents,seeing what happened,would be smart enough to think of this and say to themselves....where/what have we done or whats happening in there that he would go to such an extreme...to me, it seemed like the only route out of there..... as you know,it didn't work.i had to stay in hell for a long long time!....i'm glad i finally found you!i hpoe we can talk on the phone someday......or see each other etc etc...god bless....hippie564
