Author Topic: Day Zero  (Read 2467 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Withdraw

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 419
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Day Zero
« on: November 12, 2005, 05:44:00 PM »
I have been thinking about what is was like to be the person I was while in Straight. I have been trying to recall specific results of peticular asspects of Straight. I mean, How I responded to them While it was happening. I know how I am responding now to it all, but how did I respond then.

One thing that I keep thinking about is ~ What it meant to be frozen on Day Zero. I have some memory blocks there. I know I could not progress, could not apply for T&R, lived on "consequences, deprived in so many ways of the tools to physically exist w/integrity. But ONE thing that I am having faint memories of is: I wasn't allowed to speak. I was allowed to express my ~needs(asking for food, drink, etc..) even at Host homes. But I wasn't allowed to actually speak, *unless I was ready to comply. So staff would "stand me up for the ritual breakdown of my soul", then try to coerce a compliance from me after. Of which I would deny or be inable to pretend to comply. On those days....Host home would become hell..No sleep nights, "suicide watch nights", extreme restriction of nutrition. Exhusted, I would continue on, sitting there on my hands looking at the floor. During these times is when some person next to me would try to force me to motivate or face forward, etc.. Then that would lead to the violent restrainings for hours. Which in turn lead to the "standing me up degrading me once again" And the cycle would start again.

I look back and have to think: What was I thinking during all that, What made me ~inable to pretend to comply. How was I affected on a daily basis, what coping mechinism did I use to escape enough to just sit on my hands. What was it really like to be there with no way out and restricted to speak for 6.5 consecutive months.

See, I hear many of you saying you made some kind of progression, but I didn't. I was literally frozen at Day Zero for all that time. There was no "set back" for me. See for me, I was deprived and abused that entire time. I'm trying to express, I didn't get a break from the abuse.

Was it diffrent for those who progressed (even a tiny bit) psychologically? Did you get any relief from having some privledges(sp)? Like School, phone use, a little bit of freedom, some responsibilities. I read here about "phasers" having some diffrent issues than I. Like having to "be aware", constanly getting honest, making "straight-approved" choices in public, having responsibility of newcommers(other lives), feelings- due to having to show compliance by participating in the treatment of lower phasers. I see how all that was just as torturing as what happened to me.

I am in no way trying to minimize anyones experience. But I do see how it was diffrent, and how we all responded diffrently. But what asspects of our individual experiences influenced and ultimately harmed us.

For me, I think I was most influenced by Day Zero, because the consequences of Day Zero lasted the entire time for me. It never stopped or lightened up. Then poof! One day w/o notice, My parents took me home after an open meeting. I had shut down almost entirely for 6.5 months deprived of humaness and upon arrival home, I was expected to ~preform like a perfect teenager. I never had any therapy or professional decompression. I was scared to death, I didn't even know how to be a human anymore. I had not had any type of schooling during that time, and w/in 3 days I was back in school. I had no idea how to act or who I was anymore, Yet I was expected to perform "normally". I failed miserably. In some ways I am still failing and still unsure how to perfrom acceptably in social situations.

We're we supposed to get some "re-training" on higher phases? Is that what happened? I mean, I know phasers say they were Straght-trained, and that is how you acted in the world. But what if you had ~No re-training? What effect would that have? Is that where we differ? Is No re-training diffrent than Phaser-training?  Or is it the same with the same long term consquence?  I am truly not understanding. All I know is Day Zero. I have read 2 words over the past couple days "Decompression" and "re-training/learning". These are the 2 things I have been deprived of entirely. Was it because I never left Day Zero?


*Disclaimer- I do not wish to minimize anyones experience or seperate Straight Survivors. I do want to understand what happen to me diffrently, because I never left Day Zero.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Withdraw

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 419
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Day Zero
« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2005, 05:56:00 PM »
Or was it the same for everyone no matter what stage of the program we each experienced? I am trying to get on "the same page" as everyone else, while keeping my individual experiences as my own~ They are mine damit! I earned them.~ So I am looking for "common Ground" again. Where we can all stand equally, and validated equally. If it was decopression and re-training I missed out on, I want it. I want to find someone who can help me through that process. Like those 2 life-coaches on "Starting Over".

I think DFAF should be forced to re-organize or fund an organization to provide such direction for those still lost in the abuse of places like Straight Inc.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Antigen

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 12992
  • Karma: +3/-0
    • View Profile
    • http://wwf.Fornits.com/
Day Zero
« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2005, 08:44:00 PM »
Holy shit, Withdraw! That's a horror story. I don't think you're minimising anything at all. In NO way was it that hard on me or most of us. You got fucked hard! And I'm so sad to hear it.

Yes, it got a little easier as you got more freedom and distance from the total subjugation of first phase. I never did put much stock in phases and status. Most of the time, when I can remember something that happened there, I can't remember who were the newcomers and who were the oldcomers. Since my parents lived out of town, I never went home, just to another host home. So there wasn't any really significant marker on which to hang a memory.

But certainly, being allowed to take a fucking hot bath all alone AND read a book after some 9 months or so was fan fucking tastic! Didn't happen till I made 4th phase, and even then those daze off were mostly theoretical. There were always newcomers to drop off and pick up or permissions to pretend to enjoy w/ people you pretended to like. I think I actually got about 2 afternoons off during the whole 2 years. So it wasn't that much help. Most ppl spent their first few daze off trying to catch up on sleep. I think, at one point, staff actually banned sleeping on daze off, just like we were never allowed to sleep in the car.

I don't think it's so much that the Programing was beneficial as it was that you got a chance to back away slowly and inconspicuously and sort of ease back into something close to normal living. I don't know what it would have been like to have graduated. My guess is it would have sucked more, as I was stuck on pretraining for staff and I'm not sure how I could have gotten out of that.

I'm a PATRIOT because I believe in the nations ability to un-fuck itself.
--Nihilanthic

« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"Don\'t let the past remind us of what we are not now."
~ Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Sweet Judy Blue Eyes

Offline Antigen

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 12992
  • Karma: +3/-0
    • View Profile
    • http://wwf.Fornits.com/
Day Zero
« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2005, 08:51:00 PM »
Quote
On 2005-11-12 14:56:00, Withdraw wrote:

"Or was it the same for everyone no matter what stage of the program we each experienced? I am trying to get on "the same page" as everyone else, while keeping my individual experiences as my own~ They are mine damit! I earned them.~ So I am looking for "common Ground" again. Where we can all stand equally, and validated equally. If it was decopression and re-training I missed out on, I want it. I want to find someone who can help me through that process. Like those 2 life-coaches on "Starting Over".

I think it's a double edged sword. What the higher phases were really about was self surveilance. The Program personality was all about "graduating" up from having the Program forced on you w/ no choice at all to fully policing, snitching and generally harassing yourself. Some people took to it more than others. Shit, talk to my brother, Thom some time. He was 14 when he went in and not an addict. To this day, 30 years later, he's still warmly grateful to good old Art and all the staff and group for giving him the tools to use to straighten his ass out 20 odd years later when he was finally done drinking his way out of whatever the hell they did to him in the Seed.

Quote

I think DFAF should be forced to re-organize or fund an organization to provide such direction for those still lost in the abuse of places like Straight Inc."


No fuckin' way! We could never trust them to play it straight. I don't think they're even capable of being truthful or honest about this stuff. They're complete zealots, totally dedicated, they'd just lie, cheat and steal for their higher purpose.

If there is a God, he is a malign thug.
--Samuel Clemens "Mark Twain", American author and humorist

« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"Don\'t let the past remind us of what we are not now."
~ Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Sweet Judy Blue Eyes

Offline Withdraw

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 419
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Day Zero
« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2005, 09:20:00 PM »
I truly lost myself in that chair looking at the floor, and I want her back, she does belong to me. [ This Message was edited by: Withdraw on 2006-02-28 22:34 ]
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline starry-eyed pirate

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3031
  • Karma: +3/-0
    • View Profile
Day Zero
« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2005, 10:54:00 PM »
Withdraw, i have to live knowing that i surrendered to str8.  i was beaten into submission. i aint been the same since.  i often reflect on my regret.  You are some mythical heroine.  A valkyrie riding the stormfront.  

i graduated(after4cop-outs and a court-order)in Feb of 87 after 23 months.  i sat with my hand down a couple times for like a month(after returnin' from cop-outs 'n' such) and i know the consequences too.  But 6.5 months is a long time to be so alone.  

Lift me up as you ride by... :skull:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
If you would have justice in this world, then begin to see that a human being is not a means to some end.  People are not commodities.  When human beings are just to one another government becomes obsolete and real freedom is born; SPIRITUAL ANARCHY.

Offline Antigen

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 12992
  • Karma: +3/-0
    • View Profile
    • http://wwf.Fornits.com/
Day Zero
« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2005, 11:58:00 PM »
Well good, Withdraw. Glad to be of help.

The sadist cannot stand the separation of the public and the private; nor can he grant to others the mystery of their personality, the validity of their inner self...in order for him to feel his maximum power, he wants the world to be peopled with concrete manipulatable objects...
-- ERNEST BECKER, The Structure of Evil, 1968.

« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"Don\'t let the past remind us of what we are not now."
~ Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Sweet Judy Blue Eyes

Offline Anonymous

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 164659
  • Karma: +3/-3
    • View Profile
Day Zero
« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2005, 01:19:00 AM »
Quote
On 2005-11-12 19:54:00, starry-eyed pirate wrote:

"Withdraw, i have to live knowing that i surrendered to str8.  i was beaten into submission. i aint been the same since.  i often reflect on my regret.  You are some mythical heroine.  A valkyrie riding the stormfront.  



i graduated(after4cop-outs and a court-order)in Feb of 87 after 23 months.  i sat with my hand down a couple times for like a month(after returnin' from cop-outs 'n' such) and i know the consequences too.  But 6.5 months is a long time to be so alone.  



Lift me up as you ride by... :skull:







"


Quit worshiping the misbehavors and all that. Just give us a fucking break already. They ain't no more special than any of the rest of us, they just had a different background.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Withdraw

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 419
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Day Zero
« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2005, 01:45:00 AM »
Aww, How sad. We honor you too Baghead. You are welcome in my search for healing. You too are a hero/heroine.. for comming here in a bag, still hiding yourself, offering no continuity with your posts. It's ok, we honor you also; As we honor The Great Doctor Satire.

Although the word Worship is a ~little harsh.. don't ya think :razz:  

I don't think being a misbehaver makes me "special". I do think searching for a way to heal and a desire to become an energeticaly powerful woman makes me "special" though. I think having the courage to face the Goddess inside makes me "special". I think ~standing in that power makes me "special". Oh Wow!! That is the first time I have felt anything good about myself in years, Thanks Anon! You have been a great help!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 164659
  • Karma: +3/-3
    • View Profile
Day Zero
« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2005, 02:15:00 AM »
fuck all this shit.
-some other baghead
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline webcrawler

  • Posts: 1041
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Day Zero
« Reply #10 on: November 13, 2005, 02:15:00 AM »
Quote
On 2005-11-12 18:20:00, Withdraw wrote:

"Thank you Ginger for responding, I am crying a little, some of it is sorrow for my experience but most of it is because you didn't take my post and twist it around. Instead you heard me.



I have been thinking and it makes sense to me why I can't move out of this place yet. I really have never gotten a chance to let all that locked up emotion out and learn to live free of it. Being on Day Zero all that time really fucked me up, bad. Even though I didn't comply...they got me. My life stopped and no one has helped me to pick it all back up again and learn to live like everyone else. I feel like I have a direction to look now, I have the words I need to express my desire to heal. And I can understand why I was scarred so deeply.



I meant I think DFAF should be held accountable and forced to fix this. I mainly meant they should be forced to fund an outside organization, regulated by someone safe. We deserve to be given the oppurtunity to Decompress and be re-trained. I was torn down to my very core and no one ever built it back again. I need a life-line and I have no where to turn. Someone needs to put in place, a place we can safely turn to for help in this re-building ourselves. I truly lost myself in that chair looking at the floor, and I want her back, she does belong to me. "


I hear what you are saying WD, but hell I would not trust those people to fund a safe place for me to heal. All the things they would "suggest" for me to heal would just feel like control to me. That was one problem with therapy for me. I just got tired of people saying I needed to do XYZ as if they were somehow more knowledgable of who I was.

I know some survivors haved turned to religion for healing as well, be it Buddist, Christianity, Hindusim, Satanism, whatever, you get the picture. I'm just not interested in subscribing to anyone's agenda on a full scale level.

You are in my thoughts and I hope the pain eases up for you one day.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
am looking for people who survived Straight in Plymouth, Michigan. I miss a lot of people there and wonder what happened and would like to stay in touch.

Offline Antigen

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 12992
  • Karma: +3/-0
    • View Profile
    • http://wwf.Fornits.com/
Day Zero
« Reply #11 on: November 13, 2005, 10:50:00 AM »
Quote
On 2005-11-12 23:15:00, webcrawler wrote:

I hear what you are saying WD, but hell I would not trust those people to fund a safe place for me to heal. All the things they would "suggest" for me to heal would just feel like control to me. That was one problem with therapy for me. I just got tired of people saying I needed to do XYZ as if they were somehow more knowledgable of who I was


Yeah, exactly that! I think the only safe way to get them to fund any kind of restitution is to sue the hell out of them, take the money and go and do as you will. But most of us are well beyond any chance to sue.

So what to do? I think we have an opportunity here. The reason why Program people are so dangerous is BECAUSE they get pass from our society, not to mention luxurious public housing in the nations capital as well as several states and foreign embassies. I think we have a shot at taking away some of their political currency RIGHT NOW!

Try and imagine an America where we don't have Program propaganda oozing out of every TV, saturating our education system and plastered all over billboards up and down our highways. Just visualize a world where jails and prisons are reserved for the very few people we're truley afraid of, not 2 million of us who pissed off the control freaks.

This is so much bigger than just the overt, fucked up, over the top shit that happens behind closed doors to the children of the terminally gullible drug war followers. The very same people who thought it perfectly good and right to torture us to save us from ourselves also believe they've got The Answer® to the godless muslim problem. Never mind that Semitic cultures are the root of our accademic heritage. Forget that these people invented all of our vaunted political and social philosophy back when Europeans were still living under feudal warlords. Fuck all that, what these people need (according to the commander in thief and his closest advisors) is some old tyme evangelical Christian religion, a McDonalds, a WalMart and some right thinking, firm fisted Western Judeo-Xtians to manage their affairs and their money for them.

But THEY BELIEVE IT!!!! I think I understand why the Büsh cabal is so enamored with torture. Everybody knows it doesn't work; that tortured, addled souls don't give lucid, useful or even true information. Intelligence annalysts have been shouting it from the roof tops (cause Faux News won't give them air time) and we all know how that works. Make someone desperate and hopeless and they'll either tell you whatever they believe you want to hear or they'll come unglued and the tormentor can point and laugh at the lunatic.

These crazy bastards believe that torture works and that the info they're getting out of it is valid for the same reason they believe that marijuana is a very dangerous, highly addictive drug. Ask a devout drug warrior for evidence to support that claim. Know what their proof is? They'll cite the number of people "seeking treatment for marijuana addiction". Know where they get those numbers? The sadistic lunatics will stop at nothing, even holding someone's children hostage, to force a victim into "treatment". Then they turn around and claim that the victim came begging for help with their intractible marijuana addiction.

The frightening thing is that THEY BELIEVE THIS SHIT! And they also believe that anyone who doesn't see what is so obvious to them, well their brains COULD USE A GOOD WASHING! Any sign of dissent makes them "afraid, very, very afraid and frightened very, very frightened". And we know how dangerous they become when frightened. I say we scare the living shit out of them, force them to defend their beliefs so they'll say what they really think. Then we just have to sit back and enjoy the show while the nice young men in their clean white coats do their thing.


 

Now, how can we get the word out? Right now, all the world and even a significant number of Americans, are shaking their heads, asking rhetorically "what could those crazy bastards be thinking?" I think it's high time we move the discussion from the rhetorical to the litteral.

The religion of one age is the literary entertainment of the next.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson, American essayist, poet, philosopher

« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"Don\'t let the past remind us of what we are not now."
~ Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Sweet Judy Blue Eyes

Offline starry-eyed pirate

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3031
  • Karma: +3/-0
    • View Profile
Day Zero
« Reply #12 on: November 13, 2005, 11:56:00 AM »
Quote
On 2005-11-12 22:19:00, Anonymous wrote:

"
Quote

On 2005-11-12 19:54:00, starry-eyed pirate wrote:


"Withdraw, i have to live knowing that i surrendered to str8.  i was beaten into submission. i aint been the same since.  i often reflect on my regret.  You are some mythical heroine.  A valkyrie riding the stormfront.  





i graduated(after4cop-outs and a court-order)in Feb of 87 after 23 months.  i sat with my hand down a couple times for like a month(after returnin' from cop-outs 'n' such) and i know the consequences too.  But 6.5 months is a long time to be so alone.  





Lift me up as you ride by... :skull:











"




Quit worshiping the misbehavors and all that. Just give us a fucking break already. They ain't no more special than any of the rest of us, they just had a different background. "


Point taken, duly noted and acknowledged.  

Withdraw, i like the way you rode through str8.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
If you would have justice in this world, then begin to see that a human being is not a means to some end.  People are not commodities.  When human beings are just to one another government becomes obsolete and real freedom is born; SPIRITUAL ANARCHY.

Offline Antigen

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 12992
  • Karma: +3/-0
    • View Profile
    • http://wwf.Fornits.com/
Day Zero
« Reply #13 on: November 13, 2005, 12:03:00 PM »
At the risk of being overly long-winded and tiresome, I just have to toss this in. Here's one more blatantly obvious example of how the Program ppl have gone about turning their circular, delusional beliefs into public policy and accepted practice.


Context: http://thestraights.com/people/medical- ... search.htm

Does anyone who sat in group gouging up their arms or watching others do it believe that the root cause of this behavior had anything at all to do with drug use? I don't. I'd say, offhand, it probably had more to do w/ the constant stress, scrutiny and violence, the isolation, the total mindfuck that was going on INSIDE the building, not anything going on in the real world outside.

But Richard Schwartz believes it. Now, you'd think an obviously delusional crack-pot like this guy would have been kicked to the curb by soon after publishing such tripe, wouldn't you?

Not down this rabbit hole, he wasn't. No, instead, he's quoted by the DOJ as Professor of Pediatrics at Georgetown University School of Medicine.

http://druglibrary.org/schaffer/debate/myths/myths2.htm

Oh, and look! Here he is holding forth on the dangers of Marijuana to an Australian audience

Quote
* * * In a survey of one hundred and fifty marijuana using students, 59% surveyed report they sometimes forget what a
conversation is about before it has ended. 41% report that if they read while stoned they remembered less of what they had read hours later. Based on research by of Dr. Richard Schwartz, Vienna Pediatric Associates in
Psychiatric Annals.
http://members.optusnet.com.au/~apfdfy/Effects.html


I wonder if that happened before or after Melvin Sembler took up residence in a certain US public housing unit located in Australia?

Rather than getting drummed out of the profession as a nut case, Program proponants have been elevated to the top of the food chain.

I just think people ought to know how bug all nuts these people are. I think that, all by itself, would go a long way toward solving the problem.

Religion is comparable to a childhood neurosis.
--Sigmund Freud, Austrian-born psychologist

« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"Don\'t let the past remind us of what we are not now."
~ Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Sweet Judy Blue Eyes

Offline starry-eyed pirate

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3031
  • Karma: +3/-0
    • View Profile
Day Zero
« Reply #14 on: November 13, 2005, 12:24:00 PM »
Thanks Antigen, Your mind and effort cleaves away the chains.  i was in str8.  Springfield,VA. 85-87.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
If you would have justice in this world, then begin to see that a human being is not a means to some end.  People are not commodities.  When human beings are just to one another government becomes obsolete and real freedom is born; SPIRITUAL ANARCHY.