I remember a time in my past when......

[Carmel]

I always was terrified of Past Raps.  Almost as much as Reviews.  If you didnt have a good, juicy past incident to really cry about.....man, you would be big trouble.  And if you didnt cry in the exact manner complimentary to the severity of your past incident....well then you were pushing feelings and that was an excuse to turn a past rap into a confrontational extravaganza.

There were always several phasers who had what I like to call an "Ongoing Incident". These were usually things considered "big" like a rape, or someone dying or molestaion or a bad sexual experience of some sort besides rape. Staff would periodicaly urge them to re-hash the incident if they happened to be in a particulary "bad" place in group.  Like "Look, Christy isnt doing well in group, she must need to deal with her feelings about being raped again".

Most of the time these kids got the staff version of sensitivity about these things, but they could be turned into accusations of dishonesty if you didnt really cry or confess about them properly when asked to do so.  "So-and-so isnt sounding too honest, they must not have completely gotten past their dad dying."  It was just all so insane, like anyone had to do with the other.


The one time I actually cried with real feelings about a past incident, moreso because I was afraid of all the kids from California, but partly because it was embaressing.....I got shredded by a 5th phase girl about not really feeling bad about what I had done.  Even the staff on the stool were speechless after she finished.  They just told me to sit down and acted like I had never been standing.

[Anonymous]

Yeah it was all craziness.

[Nonconformistlaw]

Past Raps were nerve-racking for me. Since I had never tried drugs, only got drunk once, and never had sex...and had only a couple family fights that seemed dramatic enough to bring up in group, I had a hell of a time thinking of something to say.

I couldnt believe some of the stories...about things I had never even considered doing...I felt like such an idiot and very naive by comparison. It never dawned on me that people exaggerated or invented stories to satisfy staff, nor did it occur to me to make stuff up.

I made the dreadful mistake of trying to talk about my parent's divorce and that I never got to see my mother, which was a HUGE issue for me. I was confronted for that one of course. I was told I was there for a drug problem not because of my mother. I kept thinking but I've never tried drugs. Confusing as hell.

Eventually though, staff finally left me alone in past parts of the raps....the bastards knew I really did not have a drug problem in the first place which I guess is the reason I was left alone once I "got honest about my liquid paper addiction."  :roll: I guess that kept them from looking like a bunch of morans so made them happy.

[001010]

On 2005-11-01 08:40:00, Carmel wrote:

" confrontational extravaganza.
"

Beautiful Carmel, I giggled reading this.  :grin:  

You really should write a book!

Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppression of both mind and body will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day
http://lfb.com/?stocknumber=FF7485&code=10247' target='_new'> Thomas Jefferson

[PerfectStraightling]

On 2005-11-01 11:13:00, Nonconformistlaw wrote:

"Past Raps were nerve-racking for me. Since I had never tried drugs, only got drunk once, and never had sex...and had only a couple family fights that seemed dramatic enough to bring up in group, I had a hell of a time thinking of something to say.



I couldnt believe some of the stories...about things I had never even considered doing...I felt like such an idiot and very naive by comparison. It never dawned on me that people exaggerated or invented stories to satisfy staff, nor did it occur to me to make stuff up.



I made the dreadful mistake of trying to talk about my parent's divorce and that I never got to see my mother, which was a HUGE issue for me. I was confronted for that one of course. I was told I was there for a drug problem not because of my mother. I kept thinking but I've never tried drugs. Confusing as hell.



Eventually though, staff finally left me alone in past parts of the raps....the bastards knew I really did not have a drug problem in the first place which I guess is the reason I was left alone once I "got honest about my liquid paper addiction."  :silly:

[ This Message was edited by: JMA on 2005-11-03 11:21 ]

[Nonconformistlaw]

On 2005-11-03 11:20:00, JMA wrote:

On 2005-11-01 11:13:00, Nonconformistlaw wrote:

"Past Raps were nerve-racking for me. Since I had never tried drugs, only got drunk once, and never had sex...and had only a couple family fights that seemed dramatic enough to bring up in group, I had a hell of a time thinking of something to say.

I couldnt believe some of the stories...about things I had never even considered doing...I felt like such an idiot and very naive by comparison. It never dawned on me that people exaggerated or invented stories to satisfy staff, nor did it occur to me to make stuff up.

I made the dreadful mistake of trying to talk about my parent's divorce and that I never got to see my mother, which was a HUGE issue for me. I was confronted for that one of course. I was told I was there for a drug problem not because of my mother. I kept thinking but I've never tried drugs. Confusing as hell.

Eventually though, staff finally left me alone in past parts of the raps....the bastards knew I really did not have a drug problem in the first place which I guess is the reason I was left alone once I "got honest about my liquid paper addiction."  :silly:

[ This Message was edited by: JMA on 2005-11-03 11:21 ]"

Oh yeah, they pulled the liquid paper scam on me big time. I had a habit of taking liquid paper from my parent's den to use for school work. Little did I know that would be twisted on me to turn into "my drug habit."

Back then it never occurred to me it was a scam pulled on many others. So they did that to you to huh...bastards. So did they ever try to make you talk about a past incident when you used liquid paper?

Ironically, I was never asked to "share an incident from my past when I got high from liquid paper." Pretty bizarre considering that was supposedly the reason I was there in the first place. But its a good thing I never had to "share" about it cause I would have nothing to say except...well I remember this time in my past when I was using liquid paper while doing my homework and I could smell the liquid paper fumes. I feel so ashamed of myself.
:roll:  :roll:  :roll:

I remember sometime during my upper phases having doubts about my "liquid paper problem" (imagine that!) and considered confessing that I had never used it....I decided that was not such a good idea and kept it on my drug list anyway....but by the time I 7th stepped, I fully believed I was a druggie. Apparantly the dry druggie line worked on me.

[Carmel]

Liquid paper...you know, I got busted once in junior High with 4 bottles of it in my purse.  My school principal and the nurse had taken it upon themselves to do random searches of my belongings and my locker every few weeks.

The funny thing about it was that I had stolen all the stuff from my step-dad so I could paint with it in ISS (of which I was a regular visitor).  They were all different colors, so I doodled with them.

Man, you should have seen the look of satisfaction on their faces when they caught me "red handed".  Please.

As I recall, my principals in school were not unlike staff in the program.  Looking for ways to get at me. I was successfully thrown out of TWO Junior Highs without a single strike against me of disturbance or distraction.  My biggest black mark was refusing to attend D-hall, and holding the record for ISS in the semester due to said resistance.  I liked it better in there anyway.

Oh yeah, and going back on an admission of drug use when you were on 4th or 5th was commonplace.  It was reversed. They screwed your mind enough so that they could be sure you were honest....and then it was "ok" to admit you only sadi you huffed fumes because you wanted to impress the group.

[Anonymous]

On 2005-11-03 11:20:00, JMA wrote:

...I didn't even know people sat around inhaling liquid paper.  :silly:

Yeah, it's great, liquid paper.  It gets you really high.

[PerfectStraightling]

I tried at one point to clear it up and say I did it, along with a bunch of other stuff I never did, but it came out all sarcastically and I just got screamed at. I finally managed to get by just admitting pot and over the counters and alcohol, which was all true.

By the end of my 5 months there though, I started having these memories of me inhaling liquid paper and I started to get these anxiety attacks that maybe I had actually been a liquid paper addict and just blocked it all out. And that I was totally and irreparably full of shit. I know, it's crazy. That's exactly the sort of thing I would never admit to someone that didn't know me very well or who didn't experience it there.[ This Message was edited by: JMA on 2005-11-03 21:08 ]

[Nonconformistlaw]

On 2005-11-03 12:46:00, Carmel wrote:


Oh yeah, and going back on an admission of drug use when you were on 4th or 5th was commonplace.  It was reversed. They screwed your mind enough so that they could be sure you were honest....and then it was "ok" to admit you only sadi you huffed fumes because you wanted to impress the group."

But sometimes, if my memory is right anyway, it seems that sometimes people would be confronted for it as well then set back. It seemed to work both ways, either as a sign of your progress, honesty, so it was ok, or against you, as a sign of still being a dishonest druggie.

I never went along with my "liquid paper addiction" in order to get ahead or impress the group...I went along with it because I was extremely confused, broken, scared, and didnt believe in or trust myself. I think the thought of admitting I never touched the stuff terrified me because of the possibility of being confronted yet again for being FOS and started over, so I just kept my trap shut. And besides...I had lingering confusion about it...I will post on this a little later.

[Nonconformistlaw]

On 2005-11-03 21:05:00, JMA wrote:


"By the end of my 5 months there though, I started having these memories of me inhaling liquid paper and I started to get these anxiety attacks that maybe I had actually been a liquid paper addict and just blocked it all out. And that I was totally and irreparably full of shit. I know, it's crazy. That's exactly the sort of thing I would never admit to someone that didn't know me very well or who didn't experience it there.[ This Message was edited by: JMA on 2005-11-03 21:08 ]"

Since I was extremely confused from the moment I set foot in straight, my mind became so twisted. I was told over and over that I was not being honest about my drug problem, and repeatedly questioned about liquid paper. This started on my intake and continued as I was confronted in group.

I remember having "memories" of doing liquid paper during my continuous state of confusion. My thinking went something like this....Well, I remember one time while doing my homework I remembered that someone told me that people could get high from it. But I didn't believe it, nor did I actually want to get high. So, I held the bottle closer to my face and smelled (like you do to smell something normally, like a flower, but without inhaling). Nothing happened of course, since I wasnt really trying to get high...nor did I know how to. It was more like to disprove what I'd heard. Then I continued with my homework as usual.

But after being questioned so many times, I really questioned myself, Was I trying to get high from liquid paper?, I don't think I was but they keep telling me that I have a drug problem. They must know something I dont. Since everyone disagrees with me, I must be wrong, so I guess I was getting high from liquid paper. I seriously was so naive that I didnt understand that people would actually abuse their authority, and tell me what was "wrong with me" without evidence, without proper training, etc. I was raised to obey authority without question (which I rebelled against of course) and I had zero confidence in what I believed cause I had ALWAYS gotten in trouble for disagreeing and thinking differently than "I was supposed to."

Back and forth in my mind I went...I did, I didnt, I did, I didn't....god I was so confused and doubted myself no matter which direction my mind was going. I had this state of mind about it the entire length of my program. Which is part of why I never confessed that I had not done it. Every time I considered it, I feared confrontation, and I started doubting myself all over again. So my mind was always very twisted and screwed up while in Straight, especially about my "drug use."[ This Message was edited by: nonconformistlaw on 2005-11-04 22:36 ]

[Anonymous]

I think that state of not knowing your own mind and what you really think can last a long time.

[Anonymous]

I think smoking marijuana can help reveal one's true mind and intent, if used properly.

[Anonymous]

On 2005-11-04 20:42:00, Anonymous wrote:

"I think smoking marijuana can help reveal one's true mind and intent, if used properly."

  obviously spoken by a pothead  LOL

[Anonymous]

On 2005-11-04 21:49:00, Anonymous wrote:

"

On 2005-11-04 20:42:00, Anonymous wrote:


"I think smoking marijuana can help reveal one's true mind and intent, if used properly."

  obviously spoken by a pothead  LOL"

By a very smart and sexy pothead I may add  :razz: