I?ve given up on getting my old name to work and signed on with a new one. I am now NOT12NOW.
Ok, so it looks like there weren?t as many virgins as I thought.
As I said on my first post, I was a virgin but I know my parents believed I had had intercourse. There were three other girls in the program with me that I remember were also virgins.
So now I have another theory. Once I was back at home, I clearly remember deciding it would be best if I were no longer a virgin and secretly taking care of it myself one night. It wasn?t a masturbatory thing; it was a task I felt I needed to do. I think now that I deflowered myself, during the program, because the seed cemented my belief that sex was painful. I needed to know I could handle the pain of penetration alone before it happened in the future with a partner (Wow, the seed was really making me feel hopeful about my future.) I did this even though it meant concealing, what seemed at the time to be the most depraved secret from the all-knowing staff.
Yes, my pre-seed sexual partners were vulturous and if something hadn?t changed I have no doubt one of them would eventually have raped me but I?d also experienced some arousal and a personal drive to experiment. I was just becoming a sexual being but I had not yet felt the pull to have intercourse. Unfortunately Chick raps convinced me there was NO pleasure in it. All the Chick raps gravitated around one idea. We played games with guys and got what we deserved. There was no distinction made between consensual sex and rape and no sympathy for anyone?cause, after all, we asked for it. No one was even very explicit, at a certain point in every story a curtain would drop. What they deserved was behind it. I was young; I couldn?t imagine that was behind that curtain. All I understood for sure was that it hurt.
I?ve always said, ?Well if nothing else, going to the seed kept me from getting rapped.? But truth is in terms of my psyche the damage was the same. If I had been physically raped I might have sought help and maybe some kind counselor, doctor, grown-up would at least have told me it wasn?t my fault and that sex isn?t supposed to hurt.
.Then, after all that horror, we would end the raps by talking about how a relationship in our futures would be ?icing on the cake? cause we were so happy we didn?t need one. I secretly wondered (in the vaguest way of course) why anyone would want a relationship. After all, even a really healthy one ?like Art and Shelly?s? involved sex, which sounded about as pleasurable as getting stabbed.
