Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > The Seed Discussion Forum
were you a virgin
Anonymous:
No I was not.
Anonymous:
I STILL AM. (WHAT YOU THINK THATS FUNNY?)
CLASS OF 74
NOT12NOW:
I?ve given up on getting my old name to work and signed on with a new one. I am now NOT12NOW.
Ok, so it looks like there weren?t as many virgins as I thought.
As I said on my first post, I was a virgin but I know my parents believed I had had intercourse. There were three other girls in the program with me that I remember were also virgins.
So now I have another theory. Once I was back at home, I clearly remember deciding it would be best if I were no longer a virgin and secretly taking care of it myself one night. It wasn?t a masturbatory thing; it was a task I felt I needed to do. I think now that I deflowered myself, during the program, because the seed cemented my belief that sex was painful. I needed to know I could handle the pain of penetration alone before it happened in the future with a partner (Wow, the seed was really making me feel hopeful about my future.) I did this even though it meant concealing, what seemed at the time to be the most depraved secret from the all-knowing staff.
Yes, my pre-seed sexual partners were vulturous and if something hadn?t changed I have no doubt one of them would eventually have raped me but I?d also experienced some arousal and a personal drive to experiment. I was just becoming a sexual being but I had not yet felt the pull to have intercourse. Unfortunately Chick raps convinced me there was NO pleasure in it. All the Chick raps gravitated around one idea. We played games with guys and got what we deserved. There was no distinction made between consensual sex and rape and no sympathy for anyone?cause, after all, we asked for it. No one was even very explicit, at a certain point in every story a curtain would drop. What they deserved was behind it. I was young; I couldn?t imagine that was behind that curtain. All I understood for sure was that it hurt.
I?ve always said, ?Well if nothing else, going to the seed kept me from getting rapped.? But truth is in terms of my psyche the damage was the same. If I had been physically raped I might have sought help and maybe some kind counselor, doctor, grown-up would at least have told me it wasn?t my fault and that sex isn?t supposed to hurt.
.Then, after all that horror, we would end the raps by talking about how a relationship in our futures would be ?icing on the cake? cause we were so happy we didn?t need one. I secretly wondered (in the vaguest way of course) why anyone would want a relationship. After all, even a really healthy one ?like Art and Shelly?s? involved sex, which sounded about as pleasurable as getting stabbed.
Stripe:
If you said you were a virgin then the assumption was you were lying. I mean, how could you prove your virginity short of a physical exam? My word against theirs.
But, if you lied and said you weren't, well then, in your heart you would know that you were a liar. But somehow, being a liar at heart was better than being being confronted and forced to defend the awful truth: that you WERE a virgin, but because you were in the seed you were a druggie and therefore you must be a liar.
Picture this....I can still recall old Suzi (Not Barker), standing there on the hot pavement off to the side of the loading dock back behind the SR84 building, rythmically and repeatedly, ever so slightly bending and straighten the same leg as she rocked on the crotch of her britches saying to one sweaty little girl who was responding to a confrontation about her sexual history and tearfully pleading her virginity, "Sit down...you're lying."
How the fuck did Suzi (Not - Barker) know anything about the sexual history of this girl? And what was up with that crotch rockin' anyway?
And Suzi, if you are reading this, I will swear on a stack of anything you want to stack - you did this to that girl.
So, what's a girl to do? It's so freaking obvious....lie. What a piece of shit I am for lying. Oh yeah, I was a virgin. But then, I also lied. [ This Message was edited by: Stripe on 2005-10-18 11:43 ][ This Message was edited by: Stripe on 2005-10-18 14:33 ]
Antigen:
--- Quote ---On 2005-10-18 09:04:00, NOT12NOW wrote:
"I?ve given up on getting my old name to work and signed on with a new one. I am now NOT12NOW.
--- End quote ---
Oh, sorry, I wish I'd caught this earlier. I could have just updated the password. If you like, I can do that and reassign your new posts to the old name or the other way around.
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
-- Monty Python
--- End quote ---
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