On 2005-10-05 10:40:00, Antigen wrote:
Honestly, I was thinking along the lines that the misbehaver in question must be getting some kind of satisfaction out of it or they'd just play the role like I was doing.
This is true to a point, it was fun to 'misbehave' (I always hated that term, I knew then and now that it was an attempt to belittle and infantilize my nonconformity to Straight's wishes....), especially when there were others doing it (if there were enough, say, 10 out of 100-120 people) you could shut down the group---they either had to spend all of their time 'dealing' with nonconformists, or they would have to remove us from group. Also, the comradery helped you endure the beatings, pokings, being sat on, etc. The moral support of other nonconformists cannot be ignored.
Through noncompliance, I was also able to more clearly expose Straight's lies, at least to myself. People who thought that my playing air guitar, singing "War Pigs", or telling the group that I wanted to smoke pot was somehow a 'threat to their recovery/sobriety/straightness/whatever' were not people to take seriously.
That being said, I chose to comply, and "con" my way to 2nd phase, where it was easier to leave, and I could have a few hours head start on any Straightlings that were after me. "Misbehaving" was cool, don't get me wrong, but it had nothing on LEAVING STRAIGHT. That was always my goal. I was a Drug War POW, and the duty off any POW is to ESCAPE. A friend once called me 'an enemy captain in the War on Drugs', it made me proud.
Looking back, I don't think I would have done things much differently, but that's me. I don't resent anyone for completing the program. I do resent some of the phasers that were assholes to me so they could score points with staff, asswipes like George Harvard, Richard Monterro, Oren Kicklighter, and other shits whose names I don't recall now. I resent the Staff, particularly the execs, even more, I hate them with a passion.
RTP2k3
