copping out

[kosmonaut]

The night I made 2nd phase I went back home for the first time in 6 months.  Lucky for me, my parents hadn't installed the locks on the windows and doors like they were supposed to.  I sat up until the wee hours of the morning, pondering what to do.  Escape was always my greatest desire, but I had also put them through enough hell already and didn't relish doing it more.  

I made my decision and wrote a note explaining why I had to leave and apologizing for running away.  I went out the backdoor into the night.  It was springtime, warm and humid and the stars were out.  I walked 3 or so miles to my old girlfriend's house, and woke her up by tossing pebbles on her window.  She came outside.  What a great feeling!

[MommaDebi]

I remember being told that if I "could not contribute to the rap,about getting more kids in, I could just sit down".



How dare I want to speak about my feelings!!!I had wanted to talk about how some kids had refused to speak to me because I was with a kid from PAR not "the Seed" (he had run from "the Seed" 3 times...good for him, I always thought!)so therefore they would not speak to me!



I left that rap and never looked back.



I was definately taught a valuable lesson that night---Do not trust those who say they love you---It took me many years to unlearn this lesson.

debi

_________________
"...every five years I look back on my life and have a good laugh..." Watershed by Indigo Girls

[ This Message was edited by: MommaDebi on 2002-07-18 14:37 ]

[kaydeejaded]

I waited until I was on 3rd phase for 2 weeks or something and then copped out. I had been on 1st phase for almost 10mons as a misbehaver. My retarded ass got so scared 4 1/2hours away from my hometown Kingston NY stuck in Avon Mass. I called my parents to convince them to take me out. They said they would. Ignorant 15yr old that I was I went to a safehouse only to learn that I was going nowhere. That sucked in ways that only someone from the program could understand. Straight sucks and I wish I had the balls to brave the night alone in a park in Boston.. you definatly live and learn. ,kady

[MommaDebi]

It is exactly those things we learned that have harmed many of us attempting to live...
I am sorry your parents decieved you. I know the feeling!

[Carmel]

I learned my lesson once.  I made it to third and ran from school the first week I went.  I really hadnt intended on running at all.  I just decided one day that I was going to.  I was in Dallas, but Houston was four hours away, so I didnt know anyone or know where to go.  I just started hoofin' it.

I met these ladies in front of a grocery store that took me home with them, I told them where I was from and why I had run (big mistake) so they secretly called the police and they came and got me and hauled me back to Straight.  Drunk mind you, because the ladies had given me 4 wine coolers before they decided to call the police to get me.  

I was started over and I worked my way back to third again.  First day of school, I did the same thing.  This time though I met two ladies at a garage sale, told them some crap about my mom throwing me out, trying to get to houston.  They beleived me and took me in.  I got real lucky because I just walked out into the unknown without a plan.  For two weeks I stayed indoors and hid and ducked when I had to walk outside.  I waited exactly 31 days to call my mother, since the rumor was that Straight made the parent pay all over again if you were gone for longer than thirty days.  She let me come home.

[MommaDebi]

You were really lucky the second time around!


I am glad that you learned to make a believable tale for those trusting souls.
I am also glad your mom let you come home!


Just out of curiousity,How is your relationship with her now? My relationship with my mother still suffers the effects of my not trusting her.

[Carmel]

We get along pretty well, although my mom has HUGE issues about taking responsibility for my upbringing and her choices, but she also has the same issues with her own upbringing and choices.  She is a victim, and to her, she cannot be held responsible because "nobody told her otherwise".

We get around this probelm fairly easily, although I do have to really be firm with her sometimes.  She re-invents history and even current events in order to absolve her of any blame.  She will get upset about needing something done, and call me and rail on me about how many times she has asked me to do it for her and that I have put it off blah blah, when in reality I have no idea what she is even talking about...and was never asked about it in the first place.  That sort of thing.

She is very non-committal when it comes to Straight.  I tell her about this forum and the conferences and she is just really quiet about it.  I think she wants to agree with me about the bause, but in doing so would make her feel responsible for putting me there, thereforte making it her fault.  Although I dont hold any of it against her now, she may still hold it against herself.

[MommaDebi]

Sound ALOT like my own mother. Constantly in denial, as she's always the victim, she never apologizes for anything as it is always somebody else's fault.

We never talk about the time I spent in the Seed, I had just gone to live w/Dad, so of course it is all his fault.

I had thought we were doing so much better, but there is a really big issue between us now, a very insidious secret she has kept for over 10 years...of course this divide is again my fault! oh well.

[Carmel]

Yeah,  their isnt a single negativity that I can express to her that is responded to with "Oh I know what you mean, Your dad....." or "Yoour step-dad....." blah blah....its was all because of them, they "talked her out of it" or into it, whichever applies.

Its funny, there isnt a neighboorhood in the city of Houston that my mother wasnt trying to by a house in back when I was a teenager, that my step-dad or someone didnt "talk her out of".  I know it isnt true, half those neighborhhods she didnt even KNOW about when I was a kid....but it makes for good blaming fodder.  

Oh, and the one abut how she was going to pursue some new career or start some new business back then, that of course would have made her a millionaire now......but oh no, "Your dad talked me out of it, my sister talked me out of it"......geez!  I could go on and on....

[MommaDebi]

You know something, my mother taught me by her example all the things NOT to do. I have actively chosen to do it so differently. So now she says things like "gee, I wish i had been as good a mother as you are"! The answer I am supposed to give....sticks in my throat....so there is just a great long quiet space!
Yet she continues to do it at least twice a year! My son just turned 18, so you know I have had to endure her naked plea to say she did alright too many times....I don't want to be mean, and hurt her feelings, but I refuse to lie to make her feel less guilt!So I say nothing!