http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/September 2, 2005
MAHER: All right, it's time for New Rules, everybody. All right, New Rule: Now that they've been hit by hurricane, the Alabama National Guard has to call up President Bush. Since he never really reported for duty back then, get out your chainsaw, Mr. President, it's brush-clearing time.
New Rule: If President Bush is going to exclusively play to military audiences, he must carry a golf club like Bob Hope and tell the Marines that the mess in Iraq is bigger than Dolly Parton's boobs. Why is there a troop shortage in Iraq? Because so many of them have to be here doing photo-ops with this clod. This guy has shown his ass to more servicemen than a bar girl in Thailand. I'm mad now!
New Rule: Tulips aren't flowers. They're some kind of gay onion.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
You know, I was once beat up after school, and believe me, I would gladly trade that pummeling for a session of oral sex with my French teacher - no matter how much his mustache tickled.
And finally, New Rule: Defenders of the war in Iraq must stop comparing it to the American Revolution.
DYSON: Thank you, thank you.
MAHER: Yes. The only thing the Iraqi leadership has in common with our founding fathers is that neither of them used deodorant. Now, the sight of Iraqis having a constitutional convention has put a lump in the throat of Bush, Rumsfeld and Cheney, all of whom have compared the American patriots of 1776 to our soldiers in Iraq today, mostly because they're using the same equipment.
Let's just mention a few ways this analogy breaks down. One: the American Revolution was a home-grown rebellion fought with guerilla tactics against an occupying army of foreigners and mercenaries. Okay, that is exactly what's going on in Iraq. Oh, except for one thing: This time, WE'RE ENGLAND!
DYSON: Right, right, right.
MAHER: You need proof? The only people on our side? England. Uh-oh, wait a second, our teleprompter just went down. [he pulls script out of his jacket] That's why I always carry it with me.
DYSON: Bill, you are prepared.
MAHER: Isn't that something? I have to say, I was never a Boy Scout. I would have made a damn good one. No, no, I don't need your cards. I've got it right here.
DYSON: Bill, direct FEMA. Let him direct FEMA!
MAHER: The only people on our side: England. Turns out, home field advantage, very important in wars. Also, a huge difference when it came to the big, basic issues. Our founding fathers were all pretty much on the same parchment. It wasn't like Jefferson was for representative democracy but Adams and Madison were ultra-orthodox clerics chanting the Bible.
But Iraq, you know what Iraq is like? Okay, take Pat Robertson, put him in the desert...oh, that's good. The American Revolution was nothing like what's going on in Iraq. Our founding fathers didn't have thousands of years of bitter feuds and grudges between them. Franklin's people had not gassed Hamilton's people.
Our framers were a homogenous group comprised only of white, land-owning males. Today, we would hardly call that a constitutional convention. We'd call that a Republican Convention.
"We, the people" did not include women, blacks, gays or Indians. It took another 200 years to become "We, the Village People..." Or, as Ben Franklin said at the signing, "Who are we forgetting?"
But I have not lost hope for Iraq. The sons of Mesopotamia do have greatness in their history. And although the obstacles are many, there is one thing that binds the Sunni, the Shiite and the Kurd: they hate the f*** out of us.
All right, thank you very much. Michael Eric Dyson, Bradley Whitford, Mary Berry. You've been a great audience. I thank you for coming on a difficult night for us. Thank you very much.
