Damn I thought I had bad moments as I started to "wake up"! Just reading it messed with my head a little! Sounds like that was one hell of a bad deprogramming memory for you. :sad:
On 2005-09-18 09:19:00, dragonfly wrote:
"Something I think about is the way I unraveled in the years after straight. First there was the year and a half of doubting that I am an addict, agonizing that question to death. Finally giving up on the question, but realizing for the first time that everything I had believed had been forced on me. So it took me a couple years to even begin looking at the brainwashing of straight."
The unraveling/deprogramming reminded me a lot of the first few weeks of Straight's programming for me...in the sense of all the self doubt and confusion suddenly thrust upon me.
The confusion in my mind of incorrectly separating the "truth" from the "lies" while slowly becoming brainwashed led me to a false "happy" existence.
But after Straight, the confusion of trying separate the REAL truth from the programming lies seemed to take longer and led me down a long path of self destruction to run from the reality of the brainwashing lies. For me as I came unraveled I think I erected a kind of fortress by refusing to think much about the specifics of Straight to protect myself.
"I think that the unraveling I went through, alone with out support, was maybe more damaging than the actual time I spent inside. Or what I mean is, maybe the unraveling and deconstructing, completely in the dark, is a big part of why thought reform is so horrendous."
What you say here makes sense but for me...its a toss up which was worse. Of course right now feels like another period of damaging deprogramming, so maybe afterward is actually worse. Either way, the entire brainwashing & deprogramming process is terribly destructive.
After my dramatic post straight ordreal.... I spent most of my time suppressing those deprogramming realizations. I had many surreal moments at concerts or as a barfly, similar yet less dramatic than the one you described, where the truth just hit me at the oddest times and I would notice how screwed up my mind was compared to everyone I knew (deprogramming). I'm sure I promptly headed for the bar for another drink when those moments happened, just so I would feel more normal and less like a complete freak. I was unraveling and building a fortress at the same time..