Thanks CG, my long-lost Cubano friend, for your posting. I remember the night I left so well, I will never forget it. I will never forget you either, and I am so glad that you are doing well in life.
By the time you came on the program, I had more or less settled into my role as Wally Gator, happy-go-lucky guy, maybe a little eccentric and shy, but sometimes pretty funny. It felt a lot like the role I had played in my family, the peacekeeper, the older brother, the good student who could be the class clown too. While inside I was torn up with feelings of loneliness, isolation, and self-hatred, on the outside I was all smiles. What was inside of me was so horrible to me, felt so out of control, and was so opposite of what I felt I projected to the world, that I didn't know how to bring these two worlds together. I know that everyone feels this, but I don't think everyone feels it to the extent that I did. I had panic attacks when I was around people I didn't know or feared, or that I knew and felt insecure around. Somedays, my eyes would water with tears I couldn't control, or my throat would tighten up so much that I felt I couldn't breathe, and I had chronic digestive problems and high blood pressure. Fun, eh, for a 20 year old? I don't blame the Seed for this, I came in that way, but they did NOTHING to help me with this. Nothing. How could they? I was surviving as I always had, but projecting a socially acceptable exterior to the world while trying to keep my real feelings at bay. I can't even explain how difficult this was. (Thank god I am a different person today).
Meanwhile, I was trying to be a good seedling and help out. I worked menial jobs by and large, sat in raps, played endless boring games of football or softball, which I can't stand (I really tried to love it, but it was the most boring, frustrating and humiliating activity for a non-jock like me to waste my life on). I related. I tried to be funny, because being emotional was beyond me. I never cried once - never - in 7 years as a Seedling. In fact, my emotions were completely shut down. (I cry all the time today, my wife thinks it's hysterical).
OK, here's the point. I recognized you and some others as being sort of like me. I resented it, because we were the 'nice guys;' the kind of awkward, shy and funny guys who try to fit in, but it's hard for us, isn't it? We're not the jocks, not the alpha-male types, and we often had locked deep inside powerful emotions we couldn't handle. We are prisoners within our lives. And we are exactly the type of person the Seed used to do a lot of the day to day. Let the guys and chicks with big egos run the raps, they love it and need it and it keeps them in line (and they won't change either - JU still sounds like a rap leader, coming down on us weaklings). We're firmly entrenched in our family roles, it's just a new family.
If I helped you and others at all, it was because I let you know (selfishly) that it was OK to be you. I desperately hoped this was true, because then it could be OK to be me too. I used humor, my sidekick, and I would let you know that you could bend the rules a bit, as long as you meant well, and that even though we weren't ego driven leader types, we could do good at the Seed, be happy, and accept our lot in life. 'Be happy with what you've got.'
That was only half of the story. The truth was, I was miserable inside. I still had my lonely demons to wrestle with. And I knew it wasn't OK to talk about it. I knew, 'cause staff let me know, that I was a little 'weird' and emotionally fragile (Scott B. would tease me about being the kind of guy who would 'start shooting people from a steeple' and I feared it was true). Also, as much as I loved you, I resented that fact that I was stuck in the same group as you, another one of the 'nice guys.' I wanted to be an ego person. I wanted to lead raps. I wanted to have a glamorous job, so I could talk about how little it meant to me like some of the other guys who were corporate VPs or owned companies. I wanted acclaim, wanted to be good at baseball and football, wanted the girls to remember my name and laugh at my jokes, wanted to have dinner with staff. It was never going to happen. I was going to be loyal, lonely, unhappy, smilin' Wally Gator until I died. Helping people? I had to help myself first, and I was never going to do that at the Seed.
JU, I have been able to embrace my whole personality and realize what I am. I don't need you to stand me up and tell me how weak I am, or patronizingly be my 'friend'. Thank god. I see you for what you are, flawed like the rest of us. US US US not me me me, if it makes you feel better.
CG, I will never forget my days at the Seed. I will never forget you and my other friends. I wish I could have truly been a friend with you, shared my life as I really learned how to live it. At the Seed, we had our roles to play, and we were never able to change that.
I love this forum. I do...I feel that all that was locked up inside of me during my seed days I can now express. It is a liberation. Thanks Greg and Ginger (and JU and Robin and Marshall and 80s Guy and even the crazy postings about the CIA, et al)