On 2005-08-18 20:48:00, SummerOf72 wrote:
"Stripe,
Can you expand on your term "emotional cripples"?
Questions:
1. What is meant by term "emotional cripple" as a result of being in the Seed.
2. How was the process of reintegration into the world outside handled by the Seed (or was it)?"
Stripe here, replying to you.
What I meant by emotional cripple ? Teachings I took away from the seed showed me that when it was time for something to end - a friendship, a job, school, whatever, when I made a determination that something was over (or the peer group determined it for me) it was over. Period. (Greg, I guess my participation here today proves what I am about to follow with).
When I was running the seed steps (cutting ties with old druggies friends) it was expected that the ties would be cut in no uncertain terms. If there was an emotional vacillation on my part about having to speak the words "I don't want to talk to you" I never could have or would have acknowledged that. Why ? Beacuse of fear - fear of being ratted out and started over, sent back, yelled at, stood up. You get the drift.
What that taught me, and this is perhaps the biggest failure on my part, is to ignore and bury that emotion, that vacillation. In hindsight I guess I was a chicken, too. Emotion was only acceptable at the seed if it fit into specifc perameters. You have read for yourself on this thread, what the result was for kids who expressed, rightly or wrongly, all emotion that passed through them.
Even after I quit going to the seed on a regular basis, I still hug out with seed kids, so we still had our own mini-seed going complete with confrontations, soul-bearing and come downs. To avoid the very neagitve reinforcements of my peer group (large and small), I simply buried all emotion that was not acceptable. Pretty much all we were allowed to feel at theseed was "happiness..." For a couple of years afterwards, all my folks had to say to me was a sentence with the word "attitude" in it and it was like some kind of buzz/control word. I simply choked it down, accepted it and lock-stepped as expected. On to college, on to a career, on to life. But all the while, I was still choking it down, controlling it all, towing the line and checking my attitude and ultimately, ending all kinds of realtionships as a result of using the "tool" and because of the "tools."
Never once were we allowed to grieve the losses the program imposed. And unfortunately, that's a lesson that was burned into my heart.
Maybe some people had program friends they felt safe enough to confide in, and God bless them if they did. They are probably better adjusted people than I am. I just wasn't so lucky.
I lived that way for years, at least until I had some pretty bad stuff happen to me and my son and my husband. Then, somehow, I realized the old, indelibly etched patterns really did not work any more. At least not for me, not in my life.
Now, I have come to realize that the pendulum has swung to the other side and I need some time and moderation, both in what I say and in what I hear.
As for the second question, I think the plain answer is there was no psychological plan, but there was a support system. Although in hindsight and from my viewpoint now, it looks more like continued brainwashing.
You said you never finished, but do you remember enough of the program to remember the "process"?
Minimum 2 weeks away from home, or longer.
Get to go home, but must still come in 10 to 10, 7 days per week.
Get to go to school or work, but remainder of time not in school or work must be spent on a daily ? to 10,including weekends.
Oldcomer status, what was it a 2 or 3 7-10pm raps per week and one full weekend day.
Finally, graduation. Don't recall if there was any mandatory attendance at that point.
So maybe there was some PROCESS, but I don't think there was any intergration of old life/new life.
I'm not sure theseed actually knew "what" (emphasis added) they were turning out. They apparently figured that what they taught, if the program was worked properly, would stick and there would not be any long term, negative effects, provided of course, you worked the program (and kept up with your own brainwashing).
Perhaps what I see in myself is not necessaruly long term bad effects, but delayed effects. Why? Because if I never acknowledged that the program or the parts of it that did not work for me, then I would NEVER have to deal with the effects. Therefore, everything could remain status quo, unchallegened and I'd be the eternally happy seed person. Alas, that did not happen for me.
So now my pendulum has swung to the other side and instead of working hard to maintain the old status quo, I work diligently to overturn it and its effects in my life and in the lives of others. Up till now, that been a case of whether they want it or not adn I've realized I'm still obnoxious, I'm just on the other side of the view.
My ass is probably going to get kicked about for this reply, but all I can say is that I've come to realize that acknowledging my own shortcommings (some noted above) and moderation - not such a bad thing. I ask for nothing. Others can come to their own conclusions and will continue to live as they lived before my input here. They won't die for not "hearing me" any more than I will die if I "don't speak" and just "shut my mouth". I plan to look for a lot more gray in the future and a lot less black and white.
[ This Message was edited by: Stripe on 2005-08-20 17:09 ][ This Message was edited by: Stripe on 2005-08-20 17:11 ][ This Message was edited by: Stripe on 2005-08-20 17:15 ]