Author Topic: Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs  (Read 14837 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline The Elan Reporter

  • Posts: 1065
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs
« Reply #15 on: July 27, 2005, 11:29:00 AM »
[ This Message was edited by: The Elan Reporter on 2005-10-26 06:46 ]
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
fArt Warshitsky sucks dicks!!!

Offline Anonymous

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 164653
  • Karma: +3/-4
    • View Profile
Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs
« Reply #16 on: July 27, 2005, 02:45:00 PM »
Great stuff!!! Keep going, man!  This is hilarious! :rofl:  :rofl:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Elan Reporter's Assistant

  • Posts: 192
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs
« Reply #17 on: July 30, 2005, 11:52:00 PM »
Following his visit from Joe Ricci, Marty went to court and pleaded no contest to a single count of second degree buffalo sodomy and another count of forcible misconduct with a tomahawk to young testicles.  The judge agreed to spare Marty jail time if he went to Elan and completed the program.

"Remember," Judge Rimjob Lightly told Marty.  "If you don't complete Elan, you will be sent to a federal pound-me-in-the ass prison where you will be taking it in the caboose from a big black guy named Otis."

"Me suh kinda like that, Your Honor," Marty replied.

The next day, Marty Kruglik flew on Joe Ricci's private plane to a trailer park dump in Maine called Elan.  

Marty had never been on an airplane before and became so excited that he started doing war whoops upon takeoff: "Hi yuh yuh... woo woo woo!!!"  He then tried to light a campfire in the aisle, which his support persons had to put out.  

"Me suh just gonna roast wieners with firewater and buffalo turds," Marty said.  Finally, Marty pulled out two contraband rubber dicks which had escaped the jailhouse strip search and tried to sodomize the pilot with them.  Again his SPs wrestled him to the floor.  

The pilot barely avoided crashing the plane.

"Me suh not gonna like this Elan place under white man's rules," Marty told his SPs, who told him to shut the fuck up.  To calm them down, Marty gave each of them a feather infested with his head lice.  They were disgusted and threw up.

When the caravan arrived at Elan, Joe Ricci threw Marty up in front of the house and called a general meeting.  Every time Joe yelled at him though, Marty started chanting Indian prayers to the Great Spirit and asking about the Maine buffalo.

Finally Joe gave up and put Marty in the corner, saying, "YOU LITTLE SHIT, YOU NEED TO ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU FEEL THE NEED TO CHANT HI-YUH HI-YUH AND EAT MOOSE TURDS.  OUR EXPEDITING STAFF HAS ITS EYES ON YOU, SO IF YOU'RE FEELING FROGGY MOTHERFUCKER, THEN LEAP!"

"Me suh no feel froggy," Marty replied.  "Me suh feel like buffalo.  HI-YUH HIYUH HIYUH HIYUH HIYUH HIYUH HIYUH HIYUH..."  Marty then danced down the hall to the corner.

"I don't know if we can help this dang Injun," Joe told the house.  "Sorry about the smell."

TO BE CONTINUED [ This Message was edited by: Elan Reporter's Assistant on 2005-07-30 20:54 ]
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
am Big Chief...Hi-yuh hi-yuh hi-yuh Hi-yuh hi-yuh hi-yuh Hi-yuh


Offline Troll Control

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 7391
  • Karma: +1/-0
    • View Profile
Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs
« Reply #18 on: July 31, 2005, 08:47:00 AM »
Another fantastic installment.  What else can I say except that this is Pulitzer-quality work?  Keep it up son.  You're on to something big here...
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
The Linchpin Link

Whooter - The Most Prolific Troll Fornits Has Ever Seen - The Definitive Links
**********************************************************************************************************
"Looks like a nasty aspentrolius sticci whooterensis infestation you got there, Ms. Fornits.  I\'ll get right to work."

- Troll Control

Offline The Elan Reporter

  • Posts: 1065
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs
« Reply #19 on: July 31, 2005, 09:38:00 AM »
[ This Message was edited by: The Elan Reporter on 2005-10-26 06:46 ]
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
fArt Warshitsky sucks dicks!!!

Offline The Elan Reporter

  • Posts: 1065
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs
« Reply #20 on: July 31, 2005, 09:55:00 AM »
[ This Message was edited by: The Elan Reporter on 2005-10-26 06:46 ]
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
fArt Warshitsky sucks dicks!!!

Offline Anonymous

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 164653
  • Karma: +3/-4
    • View Profile
Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs
« Reply #21 on: July 31, 2005, 06:59:00 PM »
:rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:

More great stuff from The Elan Reporter!!!!!!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Elan Reporter's Assistant

  • Posts: 192
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs
« Reply #22 on: July 31, 2005, 10:19:00 PM »
Reporter, that was fuckin' rockin'!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
am Big Chief...Hi-yuh hi-yuh hi-yuh Hi-yuh hi-yuh hi-yuh Hi-yuh


Offline Anonymous

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 164653
  • Karma: +3/-4
    • View Profile
Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs
« Reply #23 on: August 01, 2005, 10:23:00 AM »
We need MORE of this ASAP!! Bring it on!!!! :rofl:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 164653
  • Karma: +3/-4
    • View Profile
Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs
« Reply #24 on: August 01, 2005, 10:35:00 AM »
do you have a mouse in your pocket
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 164653
  • Karma: +3/-4
    • View Profile
Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs
« Reply #25 on: August 01, 2005, 10:48:00 AM »
no, why?
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 164653
  • Karma: +3/-4
    • View Profile
Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs
« Reply #26 on: August 01, 2005, 04:44:00 PM »
me suh want more Chief Kruglick stories NOW!!!!! hi yuh hi yuh hiyuh hi yuh
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Elan Reporter's Assistant

  • Posts: 192
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs
« Reply #27 on: August 02, 2005, 09:38:00 AM »
Two months later, Marty had significantly improved.  After finding out that the Elan of the early '70s was a place where you could pretty much beat the crap out of people and get away with it, Marty began rising up the ranks, eventually earning the position of Expeditor Trainee.  Although he was soon shotdown for coming back to the house with buffalo turds smeared on his body, he quickly recovered and was soon made an expeditor again.  

One day, Joe told Marty to go spank a female resident who was complaining about menstrual cramps.  Instead, Marty grabbed the girl, tied her to a chair, pulled down her pants, pulled her tampon from her bleeding crotch, ate the tampon (a Mongoloid Indian tradition), then grabbed some other tampons dipped in ketchup and tamped them to her head.

As the dining room sat dumbfounded, Marty started dancing and chanting the ancient Indian scalping ritual... "Hi-yuh, hi-yuh, hi-yuh... ooga ooga... moo-ga-wanaki...hi-yuh hi-yuh hi-yuh..."  As the half-naked girl screamed, Marty wielded a tomahawk that apparently escaped a guilt run and said, "You now my squaw... me suh strength and you been booked.  As an LE, me suh scalp you..."  Just then, a young Jeff Gottlieb ran in and wrestled Marty to the floor, screaming, "Put this crazy injun in the corner... general fucking meeting!!!"

Around this time, Joe decided that Marty was too much for Elan and told Marty he was going to let the judge send him to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.  Marty cried and begged and eventually agreed to change his dirty Injun ways...  Within six months, Marty was a coordinator, but had he really changed?

Next:  Marty is COD -- a fun day at Camp Kruglik
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
am Big Chief...Hi-yuh hi-yuh hi-yuh Hi-yuh hi-yuh hi-yuh Hi-yuh


Offline The Elan Reporter

  • Posts: 1065
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs
« Reply #28 on: August 02, 2005, 09:56:00 AM »
[ This Message was edited by: The Elan Reporter on 2005-10-26 06:46 ]
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
fArt Warshitsky sucks dicks!!!

Offline Elan Reporter's Assistant

  • Posts: 192
  • Karma: +0/-0
    • View Profile
Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs
« Reply #29 on: August 02, 2005, 04:03:00 PM »
And now a word from our sponsor....

How, me Marty.  Me suh hopes you enjoying program on my journey to enlightenment into pool of buffalo crap.

Me suh tell you about new book: "The Way of the Kruglik" by The Elan Reporter.  This book chronicle my life with little boys, buffalo, mooses and deer.  Oh wait, me no fuck deer.  Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast.

This book tell stories you never hear before.  Like story of me marching with Black Panthers, me getting shit kicked out of me, me first arrest for masturbating horse and me present job at Elan School.  Me suh also offer me latest thrift shop fashion tips, especially in dirty sweaters.  Me suh sorry for talking with hands a lot.  Me do that from experience in masturbating moose cock.

Anyway, me suh hopes you buy book.  Me sell for 50 cents or 60 hi-yuh hi-yuhs.  Send hi-yuh hi-yuhs to: Marty Kruglik
Teen Scalping Totem Pole
Dirty Te-pee No. 1
Elan School
Poland Spring, Maine 04274

Me suh know you love it like me suh love BUFFALO!  Hi-yuh hi-yuh hi-yuh hi-yuh....
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
am Big Chief...Hi-yuh hi-yuh hi-yuh Hi-yuh hi-yuh hi-yuh Hi-yuh