Author Topic: so so confused  (Read 1766 times)

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Offline Anonymous

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so so confused
« on: May 03, 2005, 01:03:00 AM »
The actual reason why I came to this forum was because I had a feeling in my heart that MMS didn't do things as they should have-legally, morally. I was unsure of myself, but I knew after all these years I was still feeling anger towards that place. It was just a bad feeling I got  in my gut, you know...when something is not quite right. instinct.

I wanted to seek help, but first I wanted to see what others felt and thought about the school years after being there. For the most part I saw that most felt as I did-sad, angry, confused. While being at the school I felt the same way, but I did not speak about these emotions. I do not want to feel this way. I wish I did not have to feel this way toward the school, but I seriously cannot let go. This is not because I have some crazy blame problem or that I just want place my anger towards something, but because my mind won't allow me let go. Even in my dreams I still wonder around that campus, and feel scared, humiliated as I did back then.

My life is great now. I have a great family, but somehow that the stress of MMS still hold me back.How can I just make it go away? I came here to fulfill that wonder...but I find out that I might just be plainly insane because many claim that MMS was no trouble at all. I do not believe that those who are posting about bad experiences are posting out of hate, but just simply as a way to help themselves...understand where this is all coming from, but now I see that it is leaving everyone so confused as I am. Even though I am confused that instinct will not go away. That instinct that something was wrong/went wrong and I need to take a look at it.

So in all of that I think everyone should just back off a little because these posts are becoming too much, and now I sleep thinking about it all night. Let's not be so hyped about all this, and try to get some good night sleep.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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so so confused
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2005, 03:19:00 AM »
If you feel you need to talk about it with someone who understands then you should contact those who left an e-mail address. That way you don't have to listen to all the maddness and you can tell how you feel, finally. I think someone is going to set up a new forum for those who want to safely talk about their experiences. Perhaps talking about the experiences that haunt you with others who have been there and who, too, feel the way you do can help you to let it go. Good luck to you. It is sad that something like this can haunt girls for so long but after reading what has happened I can understand why. That does not mean it has to continue to haunt you. Maybe you can find a way to help other children. Just a thought.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline jenf

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so so confused
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2005, 03:28:00 PM »
i had to reply to this, because i have the same experience of dreaming about mms, and i was there 10 years ago! it happens fairly frequently, and usually i dream that i am forced to go there and trapped there for some reason, even as an adult. it is haunting, and yet there is also a certain security i feel in being there despite the fact that all i want to do is leave. weird. anyway. just wanted to share that.
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Offline sarahf

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so so confused
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2005, 03:36:00 PM »
as much as i love mms and am grateful for my experience there.  i also have dreams of being sent back. usually in my dreams i am going to visit and they tell me i can't leave. i try to protest sighting my age, sobriety and success, but it still isn't enough.
i think that getting "locked up" is an incredibly traumatic experience, but i still don't think that it's the school's fault.
i don't have the dreams very often anymore. but when i do i wake up scared and sad. i left mms almost 10 years ago, but it still remains one of the defining times in my life. i think both the growth and the scars of that experience probably won't go away.
i'm not sure if that's good or bad.
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Offline katfish

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so so confused
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2005, 04:19:00 PM »
Sounds like PTSD from what I've read and what my doctor told me when I explained similar dreams about 8 years ago. I used to dream that i was taken back there and tried to run away and Mike was chasing me.  I had that one quite frequently and it was really scary.  I haven't had them in a long time now, but I've been talking about MMS probably more than anyone else for many years now-posting of forums and such. So I became conscious of many feeling I hade to deal with in order to continue to speak what I felt/thought and deal with attacks- I think that may have helped somewhat...

I do think that after 10 years, to have the dreams about MMS is indicative of the traumatic aspect of MMS, at PTSD suggests...I find it really curious that you still dream of MMS, Jen...Care to share what your feelings are about MMS on a conscious level?
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline Anonymous

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so so confused
« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2005, 07:33:00 PM »
Sarah... I have those dreams too... and I sit there just yelling at them "I already graduated from college!!  I don't think I need to be here anymore!"  BUt it's funny because when i'm there I always have my cell phone and I call all these people... random sidenote.

Fortunately I don't wake up sad and scared... I just wake up with the thought of... I wonder if these dreams will ever stop?  I never have dreams about high school or college.  Just boarding school.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline jenf

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so so confused
« Reply #6 on: May 13, 2005, 11:56:00 PM »
funny that so many of us have those dreams, and how similar they are in nature. i think you described it better than i did, sarah; i go there to visit (previously i said i was forced to go, and i don't think that's the case in most of the dreams) and then they decide i have all these issues and i can't leave. actually, too, sometimes it's voluntary that i stay, because i decide i can't deal with my life and the outside world, but it still causes me all this anxiety, because in theory i'm allowed to leave whenever i want, but i don't really believe it.

anyway. i just think it's strange, the mixed feelings i have, both in the dreams and at a conscious level... the dreams seem to represent the confusion i feel about the whole experience.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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so so confused
« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2005, 12:26:00 AM »
I left there in 1998 and I still have those dreams too.  They happen probably once a month and in the dreams Im so distressed that I can't go home to see my husband or my kids.  When I wake up I have these terrible feelings of panic.  My husband has heard me cry and sob uncontrollably in my sleep while having this dreams.  Its aweful.

Ashlee
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Offline Antigen

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so so confused
« Reply #8 on: May 14, 2005, 02:08:00 AM »
Quote
On 2005-05-12 16:33:00, Anonymous wrote:

Fortunately I don't wake up sad and scared... I just wake up with the thought of... I wonder if these dreams will ever stop? I never have dreams about high school or college. Just boarding school.


Usually, these dreams involved my daughters as newcomers. And the resonate theme was about how to get all of us out w/o telling them enough so that they could bust the plan but ehough that they could hold on and not lose the faith.

But I'd wake up, look around, see my bedroom and my husband and know that it had all been a dream. Then I'd check on the girls, find them sleeping, dreaming their own dreams, and go bust open the front or back door and go out and look at the stars, because I could!

All religions have been made by men.
--Napoleon Bonaparte, French emperor

« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline Anonymous

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so so confused
« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2005, 09:39:00 PM »
Hey Jen F and Sarah F.
Its weird that your dreams happened to me.
I "graduated" in 96' remember and than i came back to go on the rocky mountian front trip and was told that i was gonna stay another year.  I although not as old as you all i could do was only just cry.....
Jen F i think you remember.
Im still highly in contact with the founding staff....remember heather p???? she is now like their daughter and they only live and hour an a half away from me.
Hope you all want to keep in touch.
And SarahF .....I know what you did with the go- backs........HOW RUDE!!!!
 :evil:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »