Okay this is Dani B. again...here's a summary of my experiences. I was sent away for being caught stealing at a local mall, having had sex on a previous occasion, and talking back. I was a brat, but I was not on drugs, I did not run away, I was certainly not out of control. I was an honor roll student at a private school who was involved with school sports and dance lessons. I didn't get along with my parents and admittedly attribute much of that to my poor attitude, but what teenager hasn't gone through a talking back phase? I?d just started individual and family therapy sessions and participated in conversations fully.
One summer, I found a wilderness program and asked if I could go. Little did I know how my life course would be altered from that point. My mom and I thought it might help if I got extra therapy over the summer and could work through our family issues faster. SUWS Wilderness was only 3 weeks and I don't have any complaints. Wilderness is difficult in terms of physical exertion and dealing with the elements, but I felt that I was treated humanely in that environment.
Afterwards, I went to Discovery Academy from '92 to '93. It was hell. Eventually I stole a car from a staff member to run away and was caught by Utah Highway Patrol since a statewide APB was issued. Then I was really between a rock and a hard place because I was in legal trouble and the owner of D.A. was handling all court matters on my behalf. At D.A., students had sex, did drugs, snuck out to the nearest store and stole alcohol to store in their cologne bottles and drink, etc. They had a punishment system of demerits in which you stood facing a wall for 25 min. each. At my max., I had over 400 demerits, so I was placed in isolation (similar to the Hobbit pictures online- no windows and not big enough to be called a room) and stood demerits from morning until night, even sleeping in there on a mattress on the floor. I had a previous problem with my knees and legs that was diagnosed when I was on the track team at my school, and I was in pain standing demerits. A doctor agreed that I should not stand them, but the program's only solution was that I could put one knee on a chair. This only doubled the pressure and pain on the other leg. Anyway a month or so after I stole the car I was transferred to Cross Creek, in June '93.
At Cross Creek, I was taken to the local courthouse regarding my case. I had to complete and graduate CCM's program or else I'd go to jail if I got into major trouble. I progressed quickly through the levels. Among some things I did not agree with was the fact that I was forced to take psychotropic medications or face a med. refusal consequence, that girls slept in the hallway on mattresses in the basement because the program was too greedy to admit they were over capacity and out of beds for new girls, and that our peers determined whether or not we moved up in levels based on a group voting process. I had Sandra as a therapist and she was totally wacko, always doing oddball hippie activities during therapy. I told my parents that I didn't really think she was helping me with her weird activities. When they came for their first visit, she pulled out some cards and told them how they were like certain animals. They agreed that was not what they were paying for and would not help our family to reunite. They requested a therapist transfer and I was placed in Garth?s group.
I also had a problem at the Discovery Seminar that I felt very embarrassed about for months. During the part of the seminar where you regress back, year by year, through your childhood, memories came back to me of being abused. I knew that this would be a major issue since my family didn't know it had happened. My seminar buddy was a boy from ACC and that made me even more uneasy addressing this issue. I had to graduate that seminar to get myself home, so I said nothing and continued that seminar in fear. CCMs program is structured so that residents must constantly make choices between really being honest and changing vs. getting themselves home, and elements of the program are structured so that we couldn't always do both at the same time. Eventually I felt that I wanted to address this issue, but if I said that I remembered during seminar I was afraid they'd drop me for "faking" it. So I lied and said I was having dreams, which wasn't true, but everyone believed me so I guess that one worked out in my favor.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that I was only 14 when I started this whole adventure and my therapist at Discovery Academy said that if I graduated high school, I'd go home. I viewed education as my ticket out of my private hell, so I spent every spare moment on schoolwork. At age 15 I got my high school diploma, but after that I didn't get to go home. I just hung around in classrooms writing letters, worked off my community service, or helped with special projects around the facility. My mom wanted me to complete every class they had, so of course I had to but finished that quickly as well.
Eventually I went home. I worked at the Taco Bell down the street full-time since I didn't have a car. Because I worked all day throughout the week, my friends from work were all at least 18. My mom wouldn't allow me to socialize with them or most of my old friends, so I had no friends or way to make any. She put a tape recorder under the bed to record my phone conversations and I found it. I couldn't trust or respect her and hated my fast-food, friendless life. I was seeing a therapist who was going to help me make a clean break from my mom and become emancipated, as I felt there was nothing to salvage between us. I made a plan to run away and she must've recorded that somehow, because I was kidnapped back to CCM after 6 months at home.
When I was sent back at age 16 1/2, I knew that was the end for me. I knew I likely wouldn't taste freedom until age 18. My mother seemed fine with paying others to raise me during the difficult years, and in some ways I was okay with that arrangement myself. I had lots of friends in the program, and since I spent 3 years in programs they became my surrogate family. However, that does not mean that I agreed with everything that happened.
The program was overcrowded, so the program paid its employees and other community members to let us sleep at their homes each night. I lived with my therapist, Garth, and also often had a second girl from the program as a roommate. When I turned 18, I was given two choices: leave with nothing (not even $10 or a plane ticket) or stay at Garth?s and go to community college. I was not welcome back home. I was out of Cross Creek, and as a high school graduate there was nothing for me to do there anyway, but I knew that if I screwed up I?d have nothing. I will respect Garth?s privacy by not delving into details of his private life, but I will say that his family was very welcoming to me and I was treated like family there. I was given a better choice than most, as so many 18 year olds must stay at CCM or face homelessness. I finished Jr. College and was then allowed back to California to complete my college education.
Here are some of my concerns with CCM: I did not think that girls who admitted to being bisexual or lesbian were treated fairly. No public institution should be allowed to segregate people based on sexual orientation. Also, I think that the 12 year-olds were too young to be placed with older, hardened drug users and kids from gangs. The program claims that there?s no time for war stories- yeah right! We did not spend our days hiking through Zion National Park or riding horses as the brochures would have you believe. We had useless classes like listening to Zig Zigler tapes and singing along to musical tapes. I learned all about everyone else?s issues and lifestyles. I learned about gangs, various drugs and their ?cool? effects, how to be sneaky, every sexual act known to man, sucking blood and being a vampire, getting jumped in to a gang, etc. I went in naïve and came out as seasoned as a veteran cop.
Was I personally beaten at CCM? No. Did I see others jerked around and taken down for minor offenses? Yes. I have witnessed kids get ?taken down? and restrained for talking back. Here in CA that?s not legal unless someone is going to injure themselves or another person. We used to line up for transportation each evening in a large room, and one night they restrained someone for talking. Everyone was shocked and afraid. They asked, ?Anybody else?? This is just one example of how they?d pick on one of us and use that as an opportunity to control us through fear. Some were isolated for days, and the rest of us couldn?t speak to them if we passed by them or we?d be consequenced. The better you behaved, the more humanely you were treated.
Overall, I feel that my life was crudely interrupted for three years. My crappy attitude didn?t warrant three years in locked environments where I was stripped of all freedoms. Maybe facilities like this should exist, but if so then they ought to be reserved as a last resort for murderers and rapists whose actions warrant those three year sentences. I want better for our country?s children. I think that teens with family problems need to live in the same state as their families in order to work those problems out. I faced a delayed identity crisis of sorts once I was completely free of the program. My relationship with my family is permanently impacted by all of this. To other families out there, I encourage you to seek other options in your own state.
