A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby
give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check
the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and
the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. [No, it's "American." -gb.]
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God
Save The Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated
as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal
issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The
fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult
enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough
to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
this is for your own good. When we show you Japanese
cars, you will understand what we mean. All
intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and
you will start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon.
Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips, and those things
you insist on calling potato chips are properly called
crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is
not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred
to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to
cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only
one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those
of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for
a game which is not played outside of America. Since
only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure
the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
