Sorry, this turned out much longer than I thought. I read the post when it was posted and gave it alot of thought. I thought the "stigma" question deserved not to be trvialized. And because of increased compettion to use my own computer lately I havent had the time till now to write freely and without interuption.
During the early years yeah, there was that "stigma", especially whilst in Straight attending high school. There were words that others used to identify me. "Straightling", "NARC" and a few others that I don?t recall at the moment.
I went to an ultra small high school (21 in the graduating class), one that parents of children unsuitable for public high schools and the private schools in the area. It was billed as a college prep school. Yeah, right.
Looking back, I think I would have faired pretty well, had it not been for the two other "Straightlings" that soon followed me to that school. For the most part, I kinda blended in and kept a low profile. People knew I was in Straight and I caught some flack for it, yet once the other two (both females) entered the school, the pressure and stakes began to shift.
I remember my mother telling me once when driving either to "the building" or back from the "the building". She said, in reference to my school and people of the school. She said, ?I don?t understand, high school for me was one of the happiest times of my life".... I can remember thinking to myself, "Kill me now for gods sake"
So yeah, high school was a time when that "stigma" was obvious. I bull shitted my way into Emory, where I found the wonders of LSD125 (gotta love the chemistry majors). However, my stint at Emory only lasted one semester. Moderation was something I had yet to learn and was asked to leave. Almost immediately I joined the Submarine Corp.
My recruiter knew of Straight and also knew I spent almost 2 years there...it didn't bother him. So I signed papers, raised my right hand and poof, I was now in the Navy, as a Submariner. About the time I was to get out, 4 years later, I ran into a snag...Well, actually I got busted in a sweep. "Possession, sale and transfer of narcotics aboard a United States Naval vessel". The charges were dropped to simple possession, which meant no Fort Leavenworth, but I would be discharged. During the proceedings the fact I was in Straight for two years came to the surface. My proceedings lasted 3 hours, the first two hours was discussion about Straight, what it was, where it was and everything else in between. Because of Straight, I got less than what others caught up in the sweep got. (a whole other stigma story, believe me)
Why? Well, because according to the Navy, I shouldn?t have been accepted in the first place, because I had been in Straight. So, rather than receiving a Dishonorable Discharge, I received an "Other than Honorable Discharge" When I asked for clarification and exactly what the hell that meant, it was explained to me that I simply, because of Straight, I did not meet the needs of the United States Navy.
Those were some pretty hard knocks and for the most part I accept responsibility for my own decisions and actions.
Soon after my discharge, I began what would be a 16 year stint working in the mental health field (go figure). My first 5 years in the field was a constant effort. Why? Because my only field of reference for mental health was Straight (you can see the problem), and at the time, Straight had yet to be closed down. My employers knew I had been in Straight and my immediate supervisors knew I had been in Straight?they, much like myself had many misgivings about Straight and it?s methodology. So, as a result I ran into a lot of flack there also?because I couldn?t keep my mouth shut. I was bounced from unit to unit and from population to population until I ended up working the Crisis Units and there I stayed.
Family, or rather extended family issues where strained, to say the least. Even after almost 3 decades there is dissention in the family and that all can be traced back to Straight. I have a ?cousin? in Tampa that helped me when I ?split? (it wasn?t called a ?cop out? then). I stayed with her and her friends for a good part of the time I was ?away? and as I said, even now, after all this time, just a few words will tear off the scabs of a horrible experience and make it just as fresh as if it happened yesterday.
About the time I was on my 5th phase, my cousin (from the other side) was placed in Straight. Soon after that another, and then another were placed into Straight. Here is where I get confused and really at a loss as to what to do. I have only had e-mail correspondence with one of the three cousins placed in Straight. She assures me there is ?no hard feelings? from her or her brothers directed at me regarding the Straight experience. Yet, in the back of my head?no, that?s a lie, in the forefront of my own consciousness I know that if the roles were reversed, and I was slapped in Straight after they were?shit, I would be a bit miffed and if I wasn?t flat out pissed off, I would damn sure have some questions for them.
Since I do not know how they truly feel, and knowing they learned the same skills I learned while in Straight. I can only assume they feel at least similar to how I feel, and so the distance between us is as it was. Is that fucked up or what?
I think, and it?s only my opinion that the ?stigma? from ?others? is a direct reflection of my own inner landscaping formed some years ago. As far as the general public goes, I avoid the ?stigma? issue by keeping my mouth shut about my history. As far as the stigmatic issues concerning my family (whether real or imagined)?shit, I don?t know?I just try to keep on living.
The ?stigma? by definition comes from what others perceive and use the ?stigma? as a mark, as a brand or as an shameful identifier. As powerful as this situation may be, I am of the belief that the internal ?stigma? (or whatever the appropriate word might be) is considerably, if not significantly more difficult to contend with. I am the least common denominator in all my experiences, in all of my memories, challenges, triumphs, dreams and aspirations, I was apart of that?I own my experience. And so what I think about and of myself is critical. Accepting myself became of paramount importance and being peaceful towards those near and dear to me eased a lot of the angst I found myself in. When these kinda things became more and more important to me and I placed a higher value on them?others and their perception of the Straight ?stigma? became less and less important by default.
It pisses me off that I am just now, after almost 30 years, beginning to learn how to deal with the Straight thing. Not that my life is now crippled because of Straight, because it is not. However, I am learning the subtleness of Straight Inc and it?s effects are more deeply ingrained as I once thought they might be. As soon as I begin to feel comfortable and at relative peace with the whole thing, something more subtle than before makes its self glowingly apparent and so the effort is very much a work in progress.
OBTW; If 85DJ knows you?chances are I know you as well?It?s good to know others from my time are still around and I am not alone in facing this shit!
