from struggling turkeys.com

[Anonymous]

Author  Topic: Pre-Thanksgiving awful visit  
katsmom
Member
Member # 4446

  posted November 13, 2005 11:36 PM                        
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My daughter turns 18 in ten days. She had outwardly been doing extremely well at her EGBS for six months. (she arrived there 6/1 after a RTC center for 45 days, outpatient and then wilderness). We arrived at our hotel for our November visit only to recieve a phone call that letters between her and a boy at her school had been discovered and they planned to leave the school together after she turned 18. In these letters she wove a web of lies and fantasy and that scares me (claiming to be someone she's not). He is a multiple felon, sentanced to the school instead of Juvy. In the last few months I had become complacent with her progress "oh yes, she's doing GREAT!, we're so proud of her" when anyone asked. I thought she was doing well because she was polite, respectful and getting A's in school with loving letters sent to us. I was even checking out colleges as some of you may know. I'm embarassed at my naivete and optimism. The school scheduled a meeting with myself, my husband, my daughter, the family leader and other leaders at the school and most importantly, five members of her peers to hold her accountable. It was a very emotional meeting and the school did all they could. I'm sick with disappointment. She does not show much remorse and she's torn our family apart. She admits that she knows in her head she has hurt us and now admits that she was faking her way through the program but does not compute the hurt she has caused our family. It's self defeating behaviour at it's finest and I don't know what to do....

[Anonymous]

I'm embarassed at my naivete and optimism.
Well, yeah.

So much for EGBSs not taking 'criminals'.

So much for thinking you can control another human being by locking them away from the real world.

Polite, respectful, getting As, loving letters. Sounds like a success to me. She learned how to be a great actress- she successfully faked her way through. Did just as she was taught. EGBS conditioning at its finest.

No remorse for planning to leave the program with (possibly) the only person (in her view) who has shown her love?

Torn the family apart?  ::boohoo::  Is that extreme exaggeration or manipulation? I'm sure she will be showered with sympathy. And whose behavior is self-defeating??

[try another castle]

oh yes. god forbid should a teenage girl show interest in a teenage boy. How completely abnormal. Especially a "bad boy". Because, as you know, girls only like nice boys. And a teenage girl would never think to run away from an oppressive boarding school with someone else when she turns 18 and has every right to.

On a completely different matter, does anyone know the URL for the strugglingteens.com spoof website that is actually called struggling turkeys.com? I've tried strugglingturkeys.com and struggling_turkeys.com and came up with nothing. I do remember it being there at one time.

[Anonymous]

This is Dani B., I've posted a few times recently.  

I thought I would add that many programs DO accept felons, and one risk parents take is that their kids will make friends or love interests while living in close quarters with others.  We also traded contact information or looked each other up via the Internet after leaving, seeking to connect with those we live near.  The program literature states that there are no war stories.  Every night when we went to bed, the night staff would circle the bedrooms every 15-30 minutes.  We would talk for an hour or so each night, telling war stories, and quiet down only when we heard them coming to check on us.

I was convicted of possession of stolen goods and grand theft auto (felony), and Cross Creek did not mind.  Their literature actually states that they only accept those with misdemeanors, but I can vouch that this wasn't true while I was there.

[Anonymous]

So you find it amusing that this parent is heart-broken because her daughter, who she thought would be applying to college and was ready to do some positive things in life, is going to run off with a criminal?  This girl was addicted to drugs- BAD drugs-not just pot. The parents did everything possible to help her.
I'm sure you have some very helpful suggestions on what they SHOULD have done to help their daughter. Too bad they didn't check with you first.

[Anonymous]

This is Dani again - I certainly did not mean to offend with my comment if yours about being "amused" was directed at me.  I think it's horrible that she's in that situation, but with 10 days I don't think there's much she can do.  She'll be wise to be suspicious of any promises or arrangements made in the interim since her daughter knows she's only got 10 days until her birthday.  The purpose of my comment was simply to point out the discrepancy between Cross Creek's claim that they only take kids with misdemeanors and my personal experience as someone who was accepted and spent two years there as a convicted felon.  

It sounds like Katsmom has a good heart and tried to make the right choice for her daughter.  In my opinion, which I offer respectfully as insight to other parents who may read this, you lose any influence you have over your child when you turn them over to be raised by others.  I don't really know or live by my parents' moral code.  Sure I know that they value honesty, etc., but so many issues arise during the teen years regarding dating and one's future, and with such limited contact they weren't able to have influence over me the way a parent should.  I say this with the hope that parents will just consider how a long distance relationship will change how involved you are in your child's life.  A local treatment program that stresses family involvement allows the family more contact with their child than one out of the state.

As for a suggestion, I would suggest that parents find local, in-state options.  Katsmom said that there was outpatient treatment, which in my experience is a rarity since kids usually go from nothing to lockup overnight.  Some people have to hit bottom and experience that for themselves, and it is horrible to think how low her bottom might be.  I really wish your family the best.

[Antigen]

Personally, I don't find it amusing so much as pathetic. Reality check, folks. These "children" will be old enough to vote or get sent off to kill and die in a matter of days. Who had any business reading their personal letters? Who has any place trying to dictate who they should love or be with or where they should go or stay? Did katsmom consult with her daughter before going school shopping? Was she able to have a candid conversation with her about it?

These EGBS's suffocate a person in much the same way as an over controling, jealous spouse. There's no better way to drive someone away from you than that.

If only there were evil people somewhere, insidiously committing evil
deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0060007761/circlofmiamithem' target='_new'>Alexandr Solzhenitsyn

_________________
Drug war POW
Straight, Sarasota
`80 - `82

[Anonymous]

Yep, Ginger, brilliant thoughts.  This girl was a meth addict. I'm sure she was well-equipped to determine where she should go to school and who she should choose for friends. She indicated that she wanted to go to college- at the expense of her parents. She was, allegedly, committed to finishing high school at this TBS. She didn't mind relying on her parents to put her through school, and clearly needed therapy and guidance to get herself back on track. The reason she was in the TBS in the first place was because she needed structure and a safe place.  Yes, if she chooses to leave at 18 that is unfortunate, but it is her choice. But it will be without the financial or emotional support of her family.

[Helena Handbasket]

On 2005-11-14 19:23:00, Anonymous wrote:

"So you find it amusing that this parent is heart-broken because her daughter, who she thought would be applying to college and was ready to do some positive things in life, is going to run off with a criminal?  This girl was addicted to drugs- BAD drugs-not just pot. The parents did everything possible to help her.

How do you know this?

I'm sure you have some very helpful suggestions on what they SHOULD have done to help their daughter. Too bad they didn't check with you first."

I don't care who a parent checks with - as long as they take a long hard critical look at what they're doing.

So the guy is a felon.  What were the charges?  

Funny how you program parents wanna send these kids off to "correct" their behavior, but in the same breath, you make it sound like all he'll ever be is a felon.  Why is that?

Is it because the minute "these kids" do something that you don't agree with on all points, YOUR (Not THEIRS)... YOUR "life is ruined"?  This isn't the man you would choose, so therefore he's a no good dirty felon - even if he cleans his act up.

Newsflash, babydoll - it's the KID'S LIFE, NOT YOURS!

[Anonymous]

Helena, I gather you are another brilliant person here.  Yep, it is the kid's life- but if they expect financial support, they won't be making these kind of choices. If you read previous posts by the parent, you would know the background.

[Anonymous]

***Funny how you program parents wanna send these kids off to "correct" their behavior, but in the same breath, you make it sound like all he'll ever be is a felon. Why is that?

Because, if they were honest, they'd have to admit that they know the program doesn't 'fix' anything. Programs are holding tanks, teen prisons where kids can be held until they reach the age of majority. And parents hope the abuse, manipulation, and coercion the kid endures will have some impact before time runs out.
How many parents at ST have had the same sob story?
This parent was taken, but not by her daughter.
She should sue the program for false advertising which lead to her daughter falling in love with a felon. Always, always misdirecting the blame.

[Anonymous]

On 2005-11-14 16:16:00, Anonymous wrote:

"Author  Topic: Pre-Thanksgiving awful visit  

katsmom

Member

Member # 4446



  posted November 13, 2005 11:36 PM                        

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My daughter turns 18 in ten days. She had outwardly been doing extremely well at her EGBS for six months. (she arrived there 6/1 after a RTC center for 45 days, outpatient and then wilderness). We arrived at our hotel for our November visit only to recieve a phone call that letters between her and a boy at her school had been discovered and they planned to leave the school together after she turned 18. In these letters she wove a web of lies and fantasy and that scares me (claiming to be someone she's not). He is a multiple felon, sentanced to the school instead of Juvy. In the last few months I had become complacent with her progress "oh yes, she's doing GREAT!, we're so proud of her" when anyone asked. I thought she was doing well because she was polite, respectful and getting A's in school with loving letters sent to us. I was even checking out colleges as some of you may know. I'm embarassed at my naivete and optimism. The school scheduled a meeting with myself, my husband, my daughter, the family leader and other leaders at the school and most importantly, five members of her peers to hold her accountable. It was a very emotional meeting and the school did all they could. I'm sick with disappointment. She does not show much remorse and she's torn our family apart. She admits that she knows in her head she has hurt us and now admits that she was faking her way through the program but does not compute the hurt she has caused our family. It's self defeating behaviour at it's finest and I don't know what to do....  

 

"

Hopefully the daughter leaves as soon as she's 18!

[Anonymous]

On 2005-11-14 19:23:00, Anonymous wrote:

"So you find it amusing that this parent is heart-broken because her daughter, who she thought would be applying to college and was ready to do some positive things in life, is going to run off with a criminal?  This girl was addicted to drugs- BAD drugs-not just pot. The parents did everything possible to help her.

I'm sure you have some very helpful suggestions on what they SHOULD have done to help their daughter. Too bad they didn't check with you first."

Since she used drugs she should continue to be a prisoner? Please!

[Anonymous]

Yes, if she chooses to leave at 18 that is unfortunate, but it is her choice. But it will be without the financial or emotional support of her family.  "

Ahh tough "love" at it's finest. Well should the girl leave the place and her parents decide to throw her out to the wolves, I bet there a few people here including myself that would try and help her get on her feet.

Shame on her parents for manipulating her to "choose" incarceration or become indigent.

[Helena Handbasket]

On 2005-11-15 08:04:00, Anonymous wrote:

"Helena, I gather you are another brilliant person here.  Yep, it is the kid's life- but if they expect financial support, they won't be making these kind of choices. If you read previous posts by the parent, you would know the background."

Hey, I asked for the background.  I'm not a member of strugglingteens (another catch phrase).  I asked for the background - and before you attack my level of intelligence in the world accoring to you, why don't you just answer the questions.... or maybe you could cut and paste.  You can figure that one out, can't you?